I know this is a rather odd thing to put in the Haven, but The Haven is a place for you to kind of express your emotions. This is going to be extremely long or it might not be. But I feel I need to distress somewhere and I thought this would be the perfect place to do it. I know I am explaining and not actually doing sorry about that, that's just one...okay I need to stop rambling.
A few months ago, I had been hanging with a wonderful young woman. We'd be hanging since February of this year. We met through my work and we began to talk here and there on the phone that is. I had finally believed that I found an independent individual, one I could share intellectual thoughts with. She was a really wonderful person. And when I was wrongly accused for stealing something from the back room, she stood up for me. The first time anyone's ever done that for me. She stood up for me and I was surprised and glad. She even put her own job on the line for me. She said if I was fired that she'd quit.
We found the real perp and I kept my job, but the ugly rumors that I was a liar still flew around. But she was my glue, she made me happy. And I enjoyed talking to her. I think I began to fall in love with her. I dreamt about her in my dreams, I dreamt about our conversations, and I dreamt about her voice. Her words were like a kind of poisonous toxin and I became addicted, especially for all the things she did for me. I thought she understood me.
At the same time she was suffering from some problems at home with her over protective, Christian mother. All though we were both around the same age, her mother like to keep a strong hold on her. Manipulating her daughter and using her kind of like a human puppet. I think its when our relationship began to get really serious and we were more then ever enthralled in each other. That I began to see the nasty side effects of her. She made to many promises and being the way I am I follow rules and I have a strict kind of structure I take these promises at face value. I have to say I was not without flaws in this relationship. I knew my social skills were bad, especially when it was trying to connect an emotion with words. I get frustrated, but not particular with her, but with myself because I could never connect the proper words with the emotion.
I think the worse thing is when she started distancing herself from me slowly. I knew it had to do with her mother. Her mother had threatened to take the phone away from her. She listened a lot to her mother. Her mother didn't want us to be together, didn't like us talking. Her mother believed it was taking time from her real duties. Which was basically cleaning the house and doing things for her mother. Her mother demanded her daughter had full respect of her and forced her away from social events to do things for her. Not only that, but her mother made her own daughter feel indebted to her because she saved the daughter from an abusive father and the fact that she raised her.
So I when I sense distance my natural instinct is to go across the gap. I think my biggest mistake was trying to save her from Mother Dearest. Her mother had a big impact on her. I told her she needed to be in a new environment and had offered for her to stay with my place till she could figure some things out. When her mother wasn't imprisoning her I could see her deprogramming. Her mother had done more damage then the father did, the father never hit his daughter, he just kind of neglected her. And her mother was emotionally pulling her daughter's strings. Em[I'm using her initials so you don't get confused, Em is the girl I had fallen in love with] seemed to be doing better and kind of normal.
But Mother Dearest didn't like her daughter not being at her controlling finger tips. And threatened to kill herself if Em didn't come back. Its that time, when Em started getting worse. She started lying to me, and a lot of he things she told me months ago ended up be some parts of fictitious truth. I felt like I had been played, but then again I had never told her that I loved her more then friends. But I felt betrayed. It hurt more then anything in the world. Because I had gotten so involved, she protected me when no one else did. And she lied to me. And the more I saw it I could see the relationship Em had with her mom, as the same as mine.
If I really thought about it:
Em was abused by her father, her mother saved her and made her feel indebted for life
Em protected me from the abuse of coworkers and made me feel like I needed to pay her back
Em's mom said things to keep Em enthralled in her world
Every time Em and I had a fight, Em would say something that made me feel guilty and I'd be the one to apologize, but Em never apologized for the things she had done or about the original concern
Em was just like her mother. Em had no control in her life and she found someone whom she could control. I felt like a fool because somehow I was okay and had fallen in love with it. Em and I broke off our friendship late October, beginning of November this year. For a few weeks I was extremely depressed and sad. I couldn't eat, couldn't think, and I couldn't stop myself from crying. Feeling hurt. Worse was Em was still sending me messages and she said things and blamed the whole situation on me. Which made me feel guilty so you could say her toxin stuck on me.
But on through late November early December of this year as I read her last message did I not care. It didn't hurt any more. Because I knew it wasn't my fault. Her mom threatening to commit suicide wasn't my fault. None of it was my fault. And it was then that Em's words had no more power on me. I gathered my strength and now, even though it stings. I am happier then I have ever been. It took the relationship with Em to realize that I'm kind of okay being alone.
Because what hurts to me the most, is loving someone and then being pulled away. Being alone means I can invest in small friendships here and there and still do the things I love without being pulled away from someone.
I'm happier then I was before because Em was a parasite that was slowly emotionally draining me. But it took that much to realize something inside of me.
16 Dec 2010, 3:02 pm
