So here's what just happened.
I was stupid enough to go downstairs where my family was. Mom was doing a crossword puzzle. I sat next to her. She called out the clues to Dad, loudly, causing me pain every time. In retrospect, that should've been my cue to go back to my computer alone. But no, fool that I am, I decided to be social and hung around.
Pain. Pain. Mom made some comment about how I was bored. My preferred descriptor would be overwhelmed and overloaded and hurting, but never mind that. And I had my head tilted, so she tilted hers, and when I asked why, she said it was because mine was tilted. So she was trying-- yet again-- to figure me out by mirroring my body language. I pointed out that it was a flawed strategy (thinking about how she'd be interpreting what it would mean if an NT did it), which prompted a whole bunch of laughter (for which no explanation was forthcoming).
And she decided we all needed a snack. And she asked me if I wanted a banana split. I'm pretty sure I said no thanks; I'm sure I answered in the negative, but not totally sure what my exact wording was. Also, I was very exhausted, too. She asked me if I wanted ice cream and hot fudge, and I said no. Then she decided she had an idea, which involved noisily (ouch) pulling the ice cream out of the freezer and yogurt out of the fridge (and asking me to get bowls and granola).
I ought to mention that Dad is sick.
So she decided to make "parfaits" (like no parfaits I've ever eaten) with either yogurt or ice cream-- and here she asks me which I want.
Long pause while my thumbs and one big toe tap rhythmically in unison. (processQuestion() throws overwhelmedException. System.out.stim. Or in English, OVERLOAD. WARNING: CANNOT PROCESS. COGNITIVE BOTTLENECK. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.) So she prompts me to answer. (I said ice cream, quite randomly.) And she chopped some banana and put on some granola. And then decided to give everyone elderberry syrup (most disgusting thing I've ever tasted, but she always gives it to sick family members, despite the fact that it doesn't help, sort of like the other disgusting and awful things she gives sick family members that really make me wish illness were as easy to hide as the signs of an impending meltdown because I'm stuck either suffering them or fighting her over them and either one is worse than being sick), so I said no. (I mean, at this point, there's no way I could take any of that without a meltdown. Totally serious here.) And she insisted. And I started to walk away and explain that if she put that on it, I would not eat it.
So she tells me to stop throwing a fit.
"I'M NOT HAVING A FIT!! !" I screamed here, having completely lost it. She tried to get me to come back but I left.
Then she yelled (ouch) a while later for me to have my ice cream. I came down and took the bowl and she told me to eat it in the pantry (with the constant painful noise). So I said no and went upstairs. And she continues to actually think I just need to taste some more of it before I'll realize that elderberry syrup is the greatest thing since sliced bread-- greater than sliced bread. And I'm quite sure she thinks I just decided to be stubborn.
She has no idea what the world sounds like to me. She never will. I don't care about sympathy or understanding, though. I just want to be left alone. Just SILENCE. Just NOT DOING THIS SORT OF THING. Just NOT INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE.
_________________
I'm using a non-verbal right now. I wish you could see it. --dyingofpoetry
NOT A DOCTOR
03 Jan 2011, 12:49 am
