I need help ! !! !

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It's been a couple of months since I last took my pills and I know nobody cares. But what should I do? My dad isn't taking my medications seriously and he seems like he doesn't care that I'm getting closer and closer to suicide. I'm getting deeper and deeper into depression which is why I'm always so negative on here. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror cause I curse the dark circles around my eyes and the waxy dead look of my complexion. Doesn't he know what's he doing to me? I stay up all night cause I get so bored during the day because of my lack of a computer. Before you say anything, I'm on a friends computer and I need one to also study computer codes and programming which I don't think my dad takes seriously, in fact I don't he cares. He's just like the people in Oklahoma who I have alienated from my life. They never believed in me nor gave me counseling that I needed. I had to learn to look people in the eye and some communication skills on my own. So does my dad want me to f***ing die? Is he doing this to me on purpose? I feel like he's being sadistic and cruel to me because he secretly doesn't want an aspie for a son. He already has a son that he always wanted and a 18 year old friend that he secretly wanted for a son. So every time Jody comes over I think bitterly to myself... "Theron's real son is here"... and it hurts that my dad doesn't want me. When he hugs me or tells me that he loves me, I don't feel like he means it. It's like he's saying that only to keep me their since I'm SSI and have money coming in. What does my dad see when he looks at me? Does he see a spitting image of himself or something to keep around for money? Am I not meant to feel love from a parent?

My mom isn't different, I remember her beating me in a basement to the music of Ace of Base when I was 5 or 6. the same age my dad made me eat outside like some dog... he made me eat out of a doggy bowl...
So if your going to tell me to stop living in the past, please don't. How can I live in the present when I don't want to live? I might as well be dead by Christmas... Merry f***ing Christmas dad and a happy new year without your cash cow no good lazy son who doesn't have a life.

Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you have not been taking your meds because your father doesn't want to pay for them. Is that about right? If so, have you pointed out to him what the lack of meds is doing to you? Maybe he doesn't realize that you need the meds, that they are a help to you.

If you worry that you might not get your point across because you're not good with words, it might help if you wrote down how you feel. Many people on the spectrum can express themselves much better in a written form. Those posts on WP you mentioned might be a start. Print them out and show them to your dad. If you write poetry or keep a journal, copy the relevant passages for him.

If you bring money into the family, I think that at least a part of that money should be yours to use as you see fit. Ask your parents to set aside a portion of "your" money to buy the meds you need or put it away somewhere safe and save up enough to buy yourself a computer of your own. If to you the main aspect of using a computer is that you can use it to communicate with others, you don't need an expensive high-end-system; something affordable will do.

Sounds like maybe you shouldn't be living there. No idea how old you are, but have you looked at moving out?

I have taken no offense and I know that family can be pretty annoying at times (to say the least). But do you think your parents really understand how difficult things are for you? Sometimes families just don't realize how serious things are for their own children. They might even think your feeling not well and mentioning suicide might just be a way to get their attention. Sometimes parents really don't realize how bad things are until the child in question goes through with the threat (and I don't think that suicide would be much of a solution).

If you can't get your parents to listen to you, is there anybody else? Siblings, friends, aunts or other more distant family members, a friendly neighbour who is on good terms with your parents? A person like that could help in explaining things and just having somebody by your side who takes your troubles seriously might be the thing that convinces your parents that you indeed have a problem at the moment. Maybe that person might even give you a bit of more direct help like organizing the meds for you.

If you know anybody who could help you with this, I'd say go ahead and ask them. Keeping back because you worry what your parents might think about your getting an "outsider" involved does not sound like a promising path to me.

I can understand if you don't want to upset your parents and make them angry at you, but you obviously are not feeling okay with the way things are now and I think you have the right to try to make things a bit better for yourself. In a situation like this, it's not selfish, it's sensible.

when you stopped your meds, did you quit cold turkey? 'cause i tried that once and it really messed with my head, i got all paranoid and got severe meltdowns and even worse depression than before i started meds. You should really talk to your dad or a doctor about this, because it's not healthy.

reading through your post again, i realize that a lot of what you're discribing sounds like abuse. Like him making you eat outside from a doggy bowl, WTF?! Is there any family members or friends you can turn to? Any authorities? Sounds like you need to get outta there.

Well I notice that pot helps a little bit and my dear ol dad doesn't realize that at this point I could probably get away with murder no matter how gruesome the crime... I mean we do live in the middle of nowhere and I have a lot of forrest to bury his remains...

But... I won't and never will. I love my dad no matter what and he did take me in when my mother and step-dad did a dump and run on me in the state of washington... I don't have that killer instinct in me and never will. I just don't see the reason to take a life when life is so precious itself. I hate to hear about the murder's that go on in this world and wonder why would anyone take a life for their own? doesn't everyone on this planet deserve to live? Don't they realize how much a miracle life is? All the stuff that goes on during the process of a baby's growth, the way a non living fetus's heart starts to beat giving life and a soul to a baby. I guess they don't think about that when their taking someones life. Yes I have problems and past horrors, but I never realized, till I wrote this, how much went on inside my mother when she was pregnant with me. I'm referring to the fact that I'm a fragile X child who was delivered 2 weeks later than expected because of a doctors mistake. I remember when I was getting tested and observed for Autism that the Doctors their took a blood sample and found one of my X chromosomes almost missing an arm. I took a IQ test and scored a 96. Back when I was 5 I took an IQ test and scored 150 or more. The school wanted to move me up a grade. I was self taught at reading and was advancing ahead of my kindergarten class. But ever since I retook the test at age 11 and scored lower. I gave up in school, I didn't even try from their on. I was lucky as heck to graduate because I took Alt Ed and worked my butt off on a computer all through lunch break. If I hadn't start Homeschooling and took a couple of semesters off. I could had graduated right their in the counselors office when I transferred to another school in Oklahoma. I remember getting my heart broken before the prom so I took some time off from school cause I couldn't stand seeing my Ex. I eventually tried to commit suicide and overdosed on Anti-Anxiety medication. I was so messed up that night that I couldn't show my face at that hospital again. But how do I get over all that when no one ever showed me symphony? I guess now I'm looking for someone to talk to. someone who could show me that they acknowledge my existence and as a human being and not something that they can make fun of to make themselves feel better about themselves. I deleted my FaceBook account cause no one ever wrote on my wall nor sent me messages nor chatted with me when I was online. They only befriended me cause it seems the more friends you have on FaceBook, the higher of a social status you had.I got so tired of being used like that and seeing most of the people from my old high school's post that they had a wife, kids, a family so can rub it in your face that they were better than you. I always wondered why the teens who made my life a living hell got to have kids, a wife and all that when I'm single and struggling in the social scene? Is their no justice, no karma? why do my tormentors get rewarded and I'm being punished?

I agree wholeheartedly with FluffyDog's advice. Write a letter to your Dad telling exactly why you need to be back on meds. Emphasize that the SSI money coming in is to benefit you. Tell him that if he really does care about you he needs to help you with this. If nothing comes of it then consider seeking a relative or counselor you trust to help. If all else fails then maybe it would be best if you got out of there and tried a new living arrangement.

And in addition to all that, try to remember that WP is not like facebook. If you need people to talk to about the things that trouble you, you will always find an open ear here and as much advice as we can give you. I hope things will work out all right for you in the end and that you will be feeling better again not too far in the future.

I'm so very sorry your life has been so hard. i truly hope it gets better. I do care, i am so sorry you've been though so much, and i hope you somehow make a good friend and find a significant other who will love and care for you.

stay here on wp people here truly care. i know wp has been there for me through out it all. being kicked out, my mom almost dying and much more.

so we will be there for you though anything and everything! promise! we care! !! !! !! !! !

thanks for the post, you think you write that without the sarcasm?

Hi, slaparoundmypeers. I've never seen just-me be sarcastic towards anyone. I've seen many of her posts and she has always come across as a very sincere person who tries to show empathy to others. She has also had some very difficult experiences in her life.

Most (not all) of the people you'll find here on WP are quite honest and sincere. It might be best to avoid assuming that people are being sarcastic or hostile until you get to know them a little better. It can take a while to settle in, but many people find this quite a supportive place. I hope you do, too. Best wishes, Jenny.