tangomike wrote:
Last week I had enough and attempted suicide with my belt on a tree. My belt was too short because the branches were too thick and took too much girth ....and so I failed because it wouldnt hold when I repeatedly tried. I was found by my uncle who is a cop, all of his police buddies who helped and my family. It was humiliating, I didnt want that attention...I felt unworthy of such care and just wanted it to stop. MY uncles cop buddy consoled me and was telling me the usual, "your young, its going to be fine- when i was your age i had my own problems blah blah" but it had no impact on me because I know he was not dealing with the same problems like not being able to connect with people, bad conversation skills, abruptness, being made fun of at age 20, having borderline personality disorder, gender issues (I feel like a woman in a mans body, but I still like women)....dropping out of university, one girlfriend that wasnt a deep relationship and being thought of as a stalker.
The last one is what drove me to attempting suicide, I'm no stalker and never will be. Sure, i'll have a crush on a girl, sometimes almost obsessive when Im friends with her and spend time with her but I would never follow her around.
However, some egotistical sorority girl or girls who lived two units down from me in my last apt decided it would be appropriate to call me a stalker becasue I happened to be in the same classes ( i think) and apparently was walking near or behind her or them on or by campus. Living in the same apartment and possibly being in the same classes would make it very normal or acceptable for me to be walking on the same pathways, or being int he library at the same times wouldnt you all agree? I dont think its strange at all to head to the library or head home after having the same classes, it just means id be walking on the same pathways a lot. I think it has a lot to do with racism, I'm Asian-American, i probably have AS as I relate to most things written here and have depression and borderline perosnality disorder. Because im depressed and am more prone to my BPD mood swings and anger, I was very aloof and curt with ppl I knew and didnt even acknowledge other people I wasnt friends with. That meant not saying hi, greeting them or saying anything at all most of the time, i was almost mute around everyone including those neighbor girls. I guess they took me not saying anything to them as a threat, my flat facial expression as a threat (yes I can see that being scary), and the fact that I'm not white in a VERY white state (Oregon) plus that whole Virginia Tech killer guy thing. I've heard them or their friends discussing that I might crack and attack them with a weapon, or that maybe ill rape the girl in question....wtf, that just hurt me so bad to be thought of in that way and I withdrew more into myself and now have trouble speaking. Many of my sentences are very short , to the point and expresses nothing more than exactly the bare minimum of what im trying to express.
I think they ended up going to the property management or police and had hidden cameras placed into my room or my stuff because I heard the neighbors constantly commenting on thigns I did AS I DID THEM. at first i thought maybe im just hearing things out of context, but no...it was real and im not delusional which i thought i was. For example, how would they say "he eats the same thing every day" or "hes always touching his hair" (stimming), "all he does is eat, sleep, play Halo and is on his computer" unless they were watching me..and I wasnt hearing whispering, it was full on conversations or just words they would say loudly like "CREEPY!!" as I ahem, was masturbating in my room (whats so creepy about doing that in my own room behind closed doors). I do admit that I had like 8 fake facebook profiles to be able to post on Borderline Perosnality Disorder forums (not be seen by FB friends) and sometimes, its f*cked up but I would write on my own wall, to boost my own self esteem. Yes that is creepy, but I knew it was fake and not real nor did I use it to spy on people- I added friends to make them seem more legit, not to spy on those ppl I added....But again, those neighbors of mine found out and knew that I had those fake profiles and wrote on my wall- how would they know that unless they actually had cameras in my room and apartment? ive deleted those and will never do that again.
Ive moved back to Hawaii and either my hyper vigilance of detecting ppl talking badly abut me came with me or its real and ppl here are also monitoring me thru the hidden camera in my stuff....or maybe the cops placed cameras in my home because they think im a actual threat. i dont know but I can hear the ppl across the way saying things like "he never leaves his room, he watches TV all day, hes always on facebook (not true at all but thats prob what it tlooks like with me sitting here on WP from the camera view)....i feel watched at all times and just am hyper vigilant about voices and my stress is off the charts.
there doesnt seem to be any hope and if I am actually being watched by police/neighbors my life is screwed anyway.
Hello TangoMike:
I have a few things to say. First, on the topic of you being Asian...I'm white. I went to school with a lot of Asian Americans, and one thing which always struck me is odd, is how preoccupied Asian Americans were with being Asian. I read an article once by an Asian American author and he concluded that white Americans accept Asian Americans as honorary whites. I think this sounds absolutely horrible and racist (he said it, not me), but I would have to agree with him. As a white person, I've heard other white people talk of prejudices against black people, latinos, Indians, Native American Indians, but rarely Asian Americans. If they do comment in a negative manner on Asians, it tends to be Asians from Asia. So I've always been very perplexed as to why Asian Americans get this sense of uneasiness about their Asianess, or whatever you want to call it.
Concerning these girls. They may indeed think you are kind of weird and they may indeed talk about you....or rather, speculate about your weirdness. Girls/women tend to be sensitive to people who are a little different than the rest, and there are evolutionary reasons for this. Girls with AS or other social issues are also subject to being deemed as weird, creepy, and so on, by other girls/women. I know this can be particularly upsetting if you actually are a nice, non-dangerous person but these girls probably probably really talk about most people who aren't just like them a lot, and you should take security in knowing you are not the person they might speculate you are. I've had incidences where it took a while for a neighbor to stop being afraid of me. Part of that has to do with their own social insecurities though. I just shrug it off now.
Since you have BPD, I think you always need to be aware of the fact that when you feel very strong emotions, it is lilely the BPD, and you should talk yourself through waiting until they pass, rather than decide to act on them. If you are feeling suicidal at 3pm, you need to keep in mind that you might not feel that way at 3:30pm, and by 5pm you might be quite happy. You just need to tell yourself that your anger, or negative emotions will pass and should wait until they do to address the actual problem. When you find yourself particularly obsessed with someone, you should keep in mind that your perception of them is based largely on your own speculations, and may not be entirely accurate.
As a rule, the police generally do not install cameras in people's houses. They are limited by federal rules what type of surveillance they can and can't do, and most surveillance is done by the FBI, which tends to use GPS devices and wiretaps instead of cameras. Police generally do not act on complaints filed against individuals. The purpose of the filing is so they have on record that this person has been a problem, and that information may be taken into account if the person does do something overtly illegal. The police would not install cameras in your house simply because some girls complained about you.
I think it's unlikely the girls installed a camera in your house, because girls generally don't want anything to do with guys they consider creepy, nor do they generally have the know how or desire to do these things. One option you might consider is that these girls just talk a lot about other people. Perhaps they consider a lot of different guys creepy, and you are just hearing them talking about all of these people, not just you.
The borderline in BPD means borderline psychotic because people with BPD tend to experience bouts nearing paranoia when upset or when they feel threatened by an individual or gorup of people. You can theoretically drive anyone to this point, however, since people with BPD experience emotions much more strongly than the rest of the population, they reach it much sooner.
17 Dec 2010, 7:00 pm
) and you have reached some goals so far, otherwise you wouldn't attend university. Why should you bother about what other people say? Probably they're just compensating their own little self-confidence.
