Reporting/suing parents

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I know that this is a very sensitive question, I hope it can be discussed without too much pain and invective.

I also have to say that thankfully I never had any reason to report my parents to any authority, and I appreciate them far more than I used to after reading how much others here suffered from their parents.

Many people have been advised on these boards to report their parents for abuse. I always feel very uncomfortable when I read such a suggestion. Do they really need to have the burden of having put their parents in jail, no matter how much they deserve it.

Everyone feels a need to be loved by their parents. It sounds clear from the messages posted about abuse that these people feel this need even stronger than others, even as they realize they will never get this love, and the best they can get is to run away from the abuse.

Wouldn't taking one's parents to court require tham to actively destroy this feeling of wanted love? They would be actively preventing even the dream of love from continuing? Are the fully justified and understood feelings of revenge and justice enough to do this?

And I also wonder if it would not come back to haunt them later, that they prevented the dream of reconciliation from being even that?

I hope again that I did not write in an offensive manner. I recognize the suffering you have gone through, and I am not suggesting that it should be ignored. I am asking if this is a good way for you to get past it.

I am also very unsure what one is to do when there are younger siblings in the house. Then it is probably best to report them through a social worker, to minimize the active involvement of the children. But if there is no one else who will be hurt, and the only question is finding justice/revenge, is this really a good idea?

As much as I agree the parent would deserve it, I still think it is a bad idea for anyone to do it. They would be hurting themselves further. Leave your parents, and cut off contact if necessary, but for your own sake don't take revenge.


As I started off saying, I am not qualified to address this question, because it was never relevant for me. Those who have been in this situation - do you think it is a good idea for someone to report their parents? If anyone has dome it - do you feel, moving along, that it was the right thing to do?

it's unthinkable in my culture. even cutting off relations can get you cast off from the rest of the family and society (unless you provide conclusive evidence that your parents have been abusing you). i don't know how it goes in western culture so it may be different.

i agree it's not wise to report your parents to the authority. most abusive parents don't know that what they're doing is right. they just want their children to behave/think in a certain way (the way which the parents think is proper), sometimes they just don't understand that their children have a certain disorder that requires a different way of parenting.

Abuse is abuse. Period.
Misunderstanding or not knowing is not abuse. Unless it continues after being informed.
If they committed a crime, then they've got to do the time.
And I'll be there to make sure they do.
I will not tolerate it.
Being a parent does not put you above the law. Period.

I agree completely with this, and hope that everyone does. I did not argue that parents are above the law, and I think that neighbors and relatives should report all abuse.

I only said that I think children are better off not reporting their own parents (unless there is still abuse happening, and leaving home is either not possible or won't solve the problem.)


They deserve to do time, but that does not require the victim to report them. If the child is better off not reporting, why should they harm themselves further to satisfy this sense of justice?

This is an incredibly slippery slope, so expect a heated reply or two.
I personally have no personal experience with abuse from family, be it physical or psychological. But I have interest in and am aware of both the motivations behind it, and the consequences short term and long term.
Parents can only raise children the only way the know how. If a child is raised in a certain culture where a certain action is considered normal, that child will grow up certain in the knowledge that this is the right way to do things. Unless they are exposed to alternative ways of thinking while still capable of mental flexibility, the child/person has no reason to doubt the action or its reasoning.
Statistically speaking, a significant percentage of people who are abused as children grow up to abuse their own children.
Then there is the question of what exactly constitutes 'abuse'. Physical abuse can be open to interpretation, although to a lesser degree than psychological abuse. Even twenty years ago, it was considered standard to smack a child if they were being particularly disruptive or disobedient. I can remember many occaisions where my mum whacked me on the backside with a specially purchased wooden spoon, but I know that they were valid punishments (I was a ratbag child...). On the other end of the scale is the man who gets drunk and beats his wife.
Psychological abuse is incredibly complex and its definitions and effects can vary from person to person. In these cases, there is no black and white, each case should be considered individually.
Can a mentally and physically sound parent who emotionally neglects their child be blamed for any damage done? What if the parent has mental issues like depression? This is certainly not the fault of the parent, but the child will still be neglected and potentially resentful. Another example is a couple who both work full time high level jobs, earn lots of money, but are never home. The child is raised by a nanny or grandparent, and grows up with little sense of belonging to a family. Then there is the couple who get a divorce while the child is young. I have seen plenty of examples of people feeling disconnected and tracing it back to the parents divorce. Can this be considered psychological abuse?

Please note that I am firmly against sexual abuse and similar, I am simply trying to demonstrate that not everything about this issue is clear cut. Each case is unique, which means that while some people may be able to gain closure through official action, this may not work for everyone. I knew a guy who was sexually assaulted by his uncle as a child, the uncle was legally charged etc, but even years later the victim still felt empty and unable to move on. I cant help thinking that those people who push for legal action are the ones who stand to gain somehow.
Advise people of their options, but dont push or influence in any way.

this is something ive been thinking, but what if there is a rule that require couples to take the following classes before they are allowed to get married:
- parenting classes
- anger management classes
- some child psychology classes
- basic knowledge about different disorders that children may have

then when the child has reached a certain age, the parents are required to have their children checked for:
- autistic spectrum disorder
- other neurological disorders

parents are already required to get their children immunization for pox, polio, etc.. so another requirement for the child's mental state shouldnt be out of the question.

Compulsory checks are a good idea, but things like ASD's are difficult to pin down. Even after years of it being a recognised thing, there are still a tragically high number of gp's and psych's who either have never heard of it or simply do not understand it. The best bet would be if there was some kind of definate physical marker they could test for.
Anger management classes and child psych classes are a brilliant idea. Beat the beast before it can pop up and say hello.
Only problem is enforcing it. There are still people out there who do the pregnancy thing alone or with alternative medicene, just as there are still people out there who refuse to have their kids vaccinated.
Pity the beuracrats never listen, it would be good to pass some of this stuff onto them

I actually edited what I wrote down, a lot. You were lucky that time, you aren't this time.

Clear cut, some of this is not, an understatement. Some, to me, is a no brainer. You have to look at it on a case by case basis.
I have given advice in real life to go to the authorities and they did. What a horrible mess it became, a legal and monetary nightmare. In hind sight on that one, I would have suggested private, but it too would have probably been rejected due to the cost. It would have been cheap in comparison, but no one had any idea what the legal system would mess up. My gut tells me if the problem can be stopped, privately and correctly, do not go through the bureaucracy. Private councilors can council that it still might be the thing to do.

In my own family's case, I was married before and we had children. She moved away after a time and brain washed my kids, now that is a crime, but even if I had known what she was feeding them about me, I doubt I could have done anything. I think to this day they think I owe child support, not so. It didn't end here, she physically abused them and the kids told no one.
This woman is so sick she fabricated a sexual abuse against my eldest daughter husband. I think she did the abusing, sexual. And she was doing even more mental and physical abuse to her own grand child. I hung the b***h, no not physically, but I put an end to her through the legal system. here's the kicker, my kids were so well brain washed, we still don't speak, in spite of my efforts. I had to go to an outside source to unshoulder the guilt.

I have seen more, way to much more.

If the victim, the kid (and it doesn't have to be a kid), is the only one that ever sees the abuse, they need to confide in someone they trust. If that isn't there, in place, there is no choice to my way of thinking then get a hold of the law. I will not be swayed to think any other way. What you said to me sounds like, if someone steals your purse you shouldn't need to report it, because you are the victim.

No this stuff is not always cut and dry and what a kid (a kid to me is anyone younger than I am, lol) might consider abuse sometimes isn't. Kids are suppose to push the envelope with the rules, it's how they learn and when it all comes crashing down in their laps, well they aren't very happy and might consider it abuse.

Yes and there are cultural differences. I will say it again it isn't cut and dry, but abuse is abuse and you best not do it near me.
I will nail your ass to the wall.

Sorry i started writing a reponse that covered off the main points of this discussion but to be honest even the mere thought of having someone like my father being spared any reprisal for their actions just makes my blood boil.

I have no interest in receiving any kind of feelings from my father, infact the only emotion i want that son of a b***h to feel when he next sees me is fear, ive dreamed of the day i can confront him and take a baseball bat to his damn face, its definitely justified and its definitely a good idea, nothing will ever convince me otherwise.

I have never been abused physically by my parents. In many other ways I was coerced, denied many freedoms (to choose my branch of studies for example, and this was mostly destructive - but could you sue your parents for this? obviously not).
But generally I have a very radical stance here about suing or denouncing somebody to the authorities. I find quite understandable that if you are assaulted physically, you ask for help where help you can find, generally the police. You cannot find help somewhere else as a rule. But I have total distrust in the kind of justice that is meted by bureaucratic machines (the “cold monster”). I even doubt that justice is somewhere traceable. I think you can find only two things: vengeance and protection. Both have their rationale but they should not be represented as "Justice".
This holds for parents as for every other offender.

what about parents who do something like this:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt62922.html

it's not physical or mental abuse, but it's teaching your kids the wrong thing. if i wasn't an aspie, i would probably become a compulsive cheater today.

My father sexually abused me. He should rot in jail, as he's doing it to his other daughters and stepdaughters as well!

As an abused child i find any discussion of parents rights sad , i am an adult now , if i went to their house (which i want to) and hit them like they hit me i would be arrested. when i was a child and called the police on my family for hitting me they would laugh and tell me i deserve it, on the other hand when i was 13 and told my mother if anyone hits me again ill kill them stone dead , the police came and took me away and i lived on the streets on and off for almost a decade. as a society we need to stop this discussion here and now. if you have a child it is your responsibility to care for that child as a rule, you must work toward bettering yourself in every way possible, you must protect them no matter what they do or what other problems you have going on in your life. the reason i feel these are things that must happen is because that child did NOT ask to be born, our planet is over populated, you have no right to just continue shooting children out of your holes with utter disregard for these facts. Children should have the right to have their parents imprisoned if they abused them, i believe there should be a hearing held when a child turns 18 , if the child wishes the parents to be imprisoned for beating their head against a wall for refusing to go to their room during an argument , or drinking in excess around them then getting in fights with each other, leaving them with other adults who sexually abuse them , refusing to seek help for that abused child because they are too embarrassed to admit what happened. these are things we need to start holding people responsible for, these children are the future murderers , rapists , molesters and its their parents fault get that through your heads people. when you hit someone on the street your responsible for your actions , if you are drunk and have an accident you are responsible , not the other person , and if you dont wanna be held responsible for your actions you need to wrap that thing in plastic or rubber because you are responsible and you need to be held responsible if you dont , we need laws that make people loose their old age benefits if they didnt give their children the ability to provide for themself , you parrents need to pay for what you did , and if i have my way this is how it will go

My parents psychologically abuse me.

If there are other kids still at risk, or the parent who abused you is currently abusing their spouse, I don't see any debate: you have to call the authorities. If you are currently being abused, you would have to be crazy not to seek help. If the abuse is in the past, it is a tougher call. While there is always the chance of reconciliation, I doubt it happens very often. Also, the experience of being tried, convicted, and sent to prison might convince the parent that what he did was wrong. If, not, the parent deserved his punishment anyway. I would say that if the abuse was severe, or if you have given up hope of reconciliation, let the abuser rot in jail. Otherwise, it could really go either way. You owe a debt to a good parent who raises you to the best of his ability - not to a low-life child abuser.