How do you...

Post Reply New Topic

Stop a parent from going into graphic detail about her problems? I've even tried telling her that all the stuff she tries to tell me makes me feel scared about her dying because she's getting old. It's an exaggeration, and not really why I don't want to hear about 'down there' but god, she still tries to tell me about it. I've told her "I don't want to hear" etc, and what really gets me as well is how she doesn't hide it and just wants to tell the world about it. It really, really freaks me out and I've purposely raised my voice and snapped at her several times not to tell me about it, but she just won't listen.

I suppose the only thing I can do is either learn not to be freaked out by her problems (Pro-lapse and it's symptoms) or learn how to really get through to her how much I hate hearing about it.

I have this problem of being a woman anyway (but I feel like a woman), and this REALLY doesn't help me. The way my mum comes across as well is really depressing and very anxious. I can't deal with her trying to talk in a really miserable voice to me. This kind of thing remains in my thoughts all day - it really does frighten me. It's so bad that as soon as the symptoms of any of this kind of thing *ever* happens to me, I will shoot myself. I'm serious. I'm a logical person and have thought through death many times and realised that it isn't worth dying for anyone, but I've managed to get rid of most of my fears, but just not this one. I hate the idea of having pain or lack of control.

Any suggestions? I'm looking for answers on how to deal with this, I guess it all comes down to my fear more than my mother. As I've said, I've been able to get rid of most genuine fears of mine through facing them and reasoning with them, which has made me stronger. If there's a way to reason with this one, I'm all ears.

Does she have friends outside of the family home? If she is isolated, she may have no outlet for her concerns.

Perhaps she cannot cope well alone with her own concerns so is compensating by drawing alot of attention to herself. She may need support apart from family members. Try not to get drawn into discussions that are overwhelming you but redirect your mother to a suitable friend or a therapist.

I don't know if a family therapist would be the right counsellor to see? A family therapist would talk with the whole family to help resolve the issues affecting everyone.

Take some space and be with people that you enjoy and do the things that you enjoy outside of the family home.As well as that, I'd suggest getting a counsellor to help you cope with feelings of depression and anxiety. Taking positive action like seeing a counsellor should make a difference, but don't delay.

Hope that things improve soon.

If she is getting old then you must be middle aged.

Listen to me. Seriously. I have been through this.

There comes a time when you realize that you can no longer look up to your parents for advice and care and help.

Now YOU must be the strong one who will help and protect them.

You don't know how to do it? Well they didn't either.

So do what all your ancestors have done for thousands of years. Suck it up and do your best.
Now it is your turn to be the protector. To be the strong one. To be the shoulder to cry on.

I'm 23, and she's 56. That's old to me, because it's when all those sort of problems start coming. When I tried telling her "..that all the stuff she tried to tell me makes me feel scared about her dying because she's getting old." it was to try and shock her a bit to make her realise how awful she makes me feel, by relating it to death.

The problem with my mother is that she's in a lot of self denial about her problems. Even if you point something out to her which really wouldn't mean anything to most people, she'll make up the most ridiculous lies. I've seen stuff she's written that's full of emotional crap and not taking a word of advice of what other people say. She's like that all the time, and when she talks it's in a put on miserable kind of voice. Therefore, the most people do is sympathise with her, which just feeds her anxiety. She's a very anxious person, and I think me and my sister are a bit anxious too, but we snap at people if they upset us rather than take it all in and be "too nice" like my mother. I can't deal with anxiety, but my mum seems to dwell on it.

I'm not sure what sort of therapist would work, because my mum hates advice and help. What kind of therapist would work?

If it helps a bit more to understand the way my mother works, she tries to tell anyone she can about me having AS, which drives me nuts. I think she feels the whole world has to know about any problems she has to deal with, including that.

That sounds tough. Do you live with her and have to deal with this 24/7 or are you able to have at least a little space?

I wish I had better advice to give, but the only things I can think of are to be as direct with her about your feelings as possible, in order to try to set better boundaries, and to maybe find her an online or in-person support group, so she'll have another outlet. If she has been relating to your and your sister this way for years, though, I'd imagine it'll take a while for her adjust to new boundaries.

Just be sure to let her know that you are doing this because you do not feel equipped to help her cope and it's upsetting for you, not because you do not care about her.

The fear of pain and/or of a lack of control over it while dying is a recurring one for me also. And like your mother, I tend to cry out and hope someone else can do something about that for me. I do not know any great solution here, but anything you can do to at least show your mother you care and are trying to keep her as comfortable as possible can certainly do no harm.