Is life worth living for me?

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MR20
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17 Nov 2010, 3:44 pm

This is what I posted about myself in the L and D forum a few days ago. In hindsight I probably posted this stuff in the wrong sub-forum, since people seem to think I'm trolling.

Quote:

I'm ugly (at least most people seem to think so)

People (including people I used to hang out with and family members) treat me like I'm a slow, ret*d, good for nothing burden, and try to belittle me in public.

I don't go outside anymore because I'm sick of people staring and giggling at me and the way I look and dress.

Up until the 5th grade I was in special ed because of behavior problems. From 6th to 9th (two years in 8th and two years in 9th grade) I was in regular classes. While in regular I rarely went to class and barely did any work. I couldn't cope and get along with most people (students and teachers) because of anxiety, aspergers, and ADHD. I dropped out in the 9th so i barely have anything more than a 5th grade education

I don't have any friends whatsoever.

Other than a prostitute when I was 15, I haven't had so much as a kiss from the opposite sex.

I also have extremely poor hygiene ever since I was young. Before yesterday, it had been about 4 months since I've took a bath, and another four months before that one.

...And of course problems with Aspergers. I have no kind of conversation and social skills.

I have no future, other than probably being homeless or living in projects. It makes me sad that I've never get to enjoy the things normal people get to (relationships, proms, graduation, parties, weddings, concerts, road trips, etc)

Quote:

More info about me:

I'm 20, male, still living with my parents (grandma) and my sister.

Heh my sister is probably worse than I am. She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a few months. Lately the medicine hasn't been working and she's has been having strong thoughts about harming us and herself. She'll probably be in a metal home longterm sooner of later.

My grandma (who is the only person that's come the closest to understanding me) isn't exactly a spring chicken. She'll more than likely be dead in a few years and I'll be left with no one and nothing.

Since she pays most of the bills, I'll be probably left out on the street, homeless, since none of my other close relatives want to have anything to do with me.

That's my fear at least.

Quote:

No decent looking girl would ever want me. I'm extremely ugly, I'm stupid and slow, I'm poor, I'm jobless and I have no education for a future career in anything. I'm boring, annoying, uninteresting and can't carry a conversation with a dog. Along with my hygiene problems, I'm not exactly someone that you can brag to your friends/family about being with. It's hopeless really.

Quote:

video games along with anime are my only source of fun and entertainment.

Quote:

I've tried changing, I've tried to do that for better part of the past 8 years. I've tried to fake interest in the stupid pop culture sh** people are into, I've tried at one point into time to dress with the latest fashion. It's never worked. No matter hard I tried I never fit in. So after awhile I said f it, I'm going to be myself and if people aren't going accept me forget them.

On me during my fit in phase

Quote:

Looking back on it was pretty stupid. I don't like mainstream music, I don't watch MTV, Jersey Shore VH1, etc. And I think buying new clothes just impress people is pretty stupid, especially when I could spend the money on fun stuff that I enjoy. I don't like drinking, making fun of and talking down to people, talking behind folks back, and just being plain rude to people when all they've done was just be nice.

On me getting "help"

Quote:

In order to get the "help" (which I don't believe I need) you people claim I have to have, I need money.... Which I don't have. I'm poor, remember? And it's not like they'll listen to me and my nonsensical rants and problem. They'd probably just prescribe me medicine for some stupid sh** they think I might have.

On the world accepting me

Quote:

There are no allies, it's always the same. By the off chance I meet a friendly person, he/she might be nice to me maybe for a few weeks. After a while say maybe a month or two or after spending time around people I hang with, they start treating me differently. Like I'm alien or something they avoid me, they start talking down and disrespecting me like others because it's the "cool" thing to do. It never fails

Moog
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17 Nov 2010, 3:49 pm

The question to ask is 'how can I make life worth living for me?'

I think my twenties saw me at the peak of my depression.

Good luck finding your answer.

I'd write more, but it didn't go down very well last time.

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Smike
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17 Nov 2010, 3:49 pm

If you don't take a bath or a shower for 4 months at a time then you can't complain about having no friends, nevermind a gf. What kind of girl would want someone as dirty as that?

Stop moaning about the situation and do something about it. Take a f*****g shower dude.

MR20
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17 Nov 2010, 4:07 pm

Smike wrote:

I've struggled with hygiene since I've been little. I usually never bathe or shower if I don't go anywhere or have anyone to see. Since I've been locked up in my house for the better part of the last 3 years, I rarely ever take baths.

Plus, we've been without hot water for the past few years and it's tough to bathe or shower in icy cold water in the winter.

LostAlien
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17 Nov 2010, 4:18 pm

MR20 wrote:

Smike wrote:

I grew up (0-9) in a house that needed a fire to heat the water, we didn't usually put on a fire (except when it was frosty) in the mornings and we all washed every morning. Even if you just wash the places that get stinky it makes a difference.

MR20
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17 Nov 2010, 4:25 pm

Moog wrote:

I have to apologize to you and people in the other thread, going back and reading through the thread I wasn't very nice to people that wanted to help me or give me advice.

Only problem is that I've tried all that stuff in the past. I've heard all this stuff before. No matter how hard I try it doesn't work. People will never accept me.

What I said in the other thread:

Quote:

Look this is my first time opening up completely about my problems to anyone (social workers, doctors, parents, etc included) I'm a really bad place right now and I just needed someone to listen. I'm really hurt that people actually consider me disingenuous and is just making up stuff.

Last edited by MR20 on 17 Nov 2010, 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MR20
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17 Nov 2010, 4:29 pm

LostAlien wrote:

MR20 wrote:

Smike wrote:

If I'm not going anywhere or someone I know isn't coming inside my house that day, I don't really have any motivation for doing it.

Squirrelrat
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17 Nov 2010, 4:39 pm

You can get your GED like I did. Some states will even pay for you to take GED classes! I actually kind of enjoyed taking GED classes because they were only for adults. There was no high school drama and everyone was polite and mature. There is financial aid available if you need help paying for the tests. After you've done that, you can easily get into a technical college. There's financial aid for that, too. You're still young; you're only a year older than me. I'm plan on entering a technical college in January! You aren't stuck in your position; there are steps you can take to make your life more enjoyable.

Also: If you can afford one, would like one, and don't already have one, then I highly suggest getting a pet. Pets are the most loyal friends you can have. When human friends come and go, it's nice to have a loving, dependable dog to go home to.

Moog
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17 Nov 2010, 4:40 pm

MR20 wrote:

Moog wrote:

Quote:

Fair enough. Apology accepted. Opening up can be very difficult, especially when we are used to doing things on our own.

I think it would have been perhaps easier if you directed your first thread here instead of love and dating, as people tend to be a bit gentler here. But, that's the past.

I know how it feels to be very depressed and to think that life is not worth living. Personally for me it took a long time and a lot of work to get myself out of it.

I also know how it feels to think that you've tried everything and failed. The two counters to that are 1. No one has ever tried everything 2. Failure is just an opportunity to either try harder, try smarter, or try different.

I'll put some thinking into anything else I can do to help.

I wished you happiness before, and I do it again now.

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Last edited by Moog on 17 Nov 2010, 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

John_Browning
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17 Nov 2010, 4:40 pm

MR20 wrote:

Plus, we've been without hot water for the past few years and it's tough to bathe or shower in icy cold water in the winter.

When my hot water heater broke I heated up a pot of water on the stove, took it to the bathtub, and had a sponge bath.

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MR20
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17 Nov 2010, 4:55 pm

Squirrelrat wrote:

I've had thoughts about this a few years ago. Two things kept me from doing it

1. I don't know if I'm smart enough for it. They say you have to have at least a ten grade education.

2. I don't think I can concentrate and function well in a classroom full of people. I had huge problems with this in middle school and high. Imagine how it would be now.

Edit: I do have a pet. A cat, his name is Sonic. I've had him since the middle of 2009.

Last edited by MR20 on 17 Nov 2010, 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MR20
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17 Nov 2010, 4:56 pm

Moog wrote:

MR20 wrote:

Moog wrote:

Quote:

Fair enough. Apology accepted. Opening up can be very difficult, especially when we are used to doing things on our own.

I think it would have been perhaps easier if you directed your first thread here instead of love and dating, as people tend to be a bit gentler here. But, that's the past.

I know how it feels to be very depressed and to think that life is not worth living. Personally for me it took a long time and a lot of work to get myself out of it.

I also know how it feels to think that you've tried everything and failed. The two counters to that are 1. No one has ever tried everything 2. Failure is just an opportunity to either try harder, try smarter, or try different.

I'll put some thinking into anything else I can do to help.

I wished you happiness before, and I do it again now.

Thanks

menintights
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17 Nov 2010, 4:56 pm

Every time a life-altering decision needs to be made, I always tell people to wait until they're at least 25.

If you're 25 and you find that things aren't that much better, then I imagine the answer to your question would be no.

nthach
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17 Nov 2010, 5:13 pm

MR20 wrote:

1. I don't know if I'm smart enough for it. They say you have to have at least a ten grade education.

2. I don't think I can concentrate and function well in a classroom full of people. I had huge problems with this in middle school and high. Imagine how it would be now.

Edit: I do have a pet. A cat, his name is Sonic. I've had him since the middle of 2009.

I found it easier in college to learn - with a little chemical help and I did unearth my most recent Dx+special ed papers and got help from the disabled student services at both colleges I went to. Plus unlike high school, there isn't much social pressure on you, well there is some but it's not like the washing machine called high school.

Squirrelrat
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17 Nov 2010, 5:40 pm

MR20 wrote:

The teachers at my GED school said that they've had people with only 2nd grade educations. Their services were partially one-on-one, and they had material available for every educational level up until basic high school stuff. They determined our levels by giving us diagnostic tests. Your grammar is already better than a lot of my fellow students' grammar. You'll probably do fine. If it's classrooms you're afraid of, you can learn the material at home using resources such as the internet. It would take more discipline, but the material is very basic. You could even say it's middle school level, if we're talking about a somewhat advanced middle school. There are even online practice tests that you can take to see where you stand. There are five sections in the GED exam: math, reading comprehension, writing/grammar, social studies, and science. The social studies and science sections are basically reading comprehension with basic social studies and science terminology and concepts thrown in. The hardest parts of the math test (in my opinion) were the geometry questions, and there were very few of them.

RainingRoses
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17 Nov 2010, 6:22 pm

I really like the GED idea. One, it gets you out of the house consistently. Two, it encourages you to interact with non-threatening people. Three, it will propel you forward into some sort of career -- technical school was a great suggestion. Four, it doesn't sound like you have anything better to do with your time. Five, it's actually quite interesting.

I used to tutor GED students. They were all homeless drug addicts and alcoholics who barely knew how to read. Most could do some arithmetic, but not much more. By the time they were ready to take the exam, many of them passed. With the way you write, I would bet that you could pass the reading and writing sections tonight. Don't sell yourself short, here.

On the personal issues -- hygiene, fashion, whatever -- commit yourself to the self-respect that I know you feel you deserve. (If you didn't feel like you deserve it, you wouldn't complain about the way people treat you.) Find someone to help you. You asked us for help here; you can ask someone for help there (wherever you are). Don't know what clothes to buy? Ask the sweetest girl in your GED class to go shopping with you. Just one afternoon -- she doesn't have to be your girlfriend forever. Know what clothes to buy but can't afford them? So what -- go to the Salvation Army. We all might as well shop there for how well we dress. Don't have money for that? PM me and I'll send you some. I'm sure I would be proud to know you (I'm a cat person!), and I'd really like to see you get on track...

Edit: Whoever voted "no" or "not sure" in the OP's poll should be deeply ashamed.

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