My friend qualified for the Olympic trials, and I'm mad

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A friend of mine just qualified for the Olympic trials in the marathon. I should be happy for him, and this huge accomplishment, but damn me, I'm not.

All I can think about is how he's had success after success: a great high school career of accomplishment, of winning races. He ran great races in college, and they write articles about him being one of the best runners in my area. He has a great, beautiful wife, and now he's an Olympic trials qualifier...a career capper. And he's still young so he could go farther. Maybe even qualify for the Olympics one day.

Compare to my running. I wanted to do that, and I put in the work. In high school I ran more miles, was committed, dreamed of doing big things and making my parents proud. And for my trouble I got injuries, missed races because of it, and my teammates didn't respect me.

I know now I wasn't meant to be a great runner. Now I pursue filmmaking, but my success so far has been roughly equal to my running, which is to say, very little. My best film, the one I was most proud of, didn't get into a single festival. Not even my alma mater's fest, and I had friends on the selection committee.

I get mad, because I see this guy who has everything: a great running career, wonderful wife. He's outgoing, charismatic, handsome. He's younger than me, and look at all he's accomplished! What have I done? What merit or worth do I have? I wonder if I'm ever going to do anything worth a damn. I was about to post a note of congratulations on his face book page, when I heard the news, but I couldn't. I saw all the other people who'd posted already, and I thought, "Is this my future? Am I going to be just someone who congratulates other people on their good fortune and accomplishments, while I never do anything worth congratulating?"

I've tried reading some philosophical and theological stuff, to try to find some answers that might comfort me. Why are some blessed more than others? Why are some enabled to accomplish great things, and others like me given only mediocrity? They help a little, but I always come back to, the fact that this guy has succeeded marvelously, and I've failed miserably. Is that going to be my whole life? To see others do great things, while I forever spin my wheels, trying, failing, and in the end not mattering worth a damn?

Why are you running? Is it something you love to do?

It doesn't matter if you have success or failure, as long as you're doing what you love, you're doing great.

For every one person who has it better than you, theres probably five thousand who have it worst.

For your own happiness sake, best to dwell on the things you have got, rather than the things you havnt.

Theres probaly a million people who would be in ecstacy, if instead of being blind, they could see like you can.

What troubles me is I have this incredible drive, this urge, this desire to do something good and important. And all around me I see people doing good, important things, yet I seem to make little headway.

I've got to make some kind of positive impact, because I feel that it's all I can do to really matter. My whole life I've been kind of a non presence...people don't invite me out, or think of me when they want to have a good time. I'm not the kind of person they want to have around.

And so if I can't be liked for who I am, then I've focused on being liked for what I do, to gain respect, admiration for what I contribute, and give back.

But if I'm not capable of even that, what am I? Nothing?

Have you really failed miserably? The fact that you have not qualified for Olympic trials does not make you a failure. Maybe you will not achieve the glory of competing at the highest levels and that may be truly disappointing to you, but it sounds like you have already done more than many have.

While I won't say it's easy, the fastest way to get over the pain of your current situation is to congratulate your friend and recognize the achievement of his qualifying. Continue fighting to become as good as you can in whatever you pursue, but don't waste time making yourself crazy.

In my twenties, I was very competitive with a friend when it came to writing. I expended a great deal of energy telling myself that I was better than her. She is now a reasonably successful author and I am not. Perhaps if I had spent more time writing and less time worrying about who was better, I might have done better.

I know what it's like, the same thing used to happen to me at school with singing. I tried harder than anyone else, but was always overlooked for any solo parts - even in favour of people who couldn't even sing in key!

I know it's hard, and unfair, and the bitterness is consuming. I think most people don't understand what it's like to try harder at one area than anyone else, and then be overlooked or passed over in favour of others who haven't tried so hard, or have recieved more than their fair share of opportunities, and for this to happen for years and years.

These feelings? They're poison. They will consume you and can destroy you emotionally. They will make you miserable, bitter, jealous, and full of anger hate and rage.

You have to find a different perspective to look at things from, and not allow yourself to get caught up in the cycle. The best way to look at it is when you don't succeed in one area STOP TRYING. It's like endlessly bashing your head against a brick wall hoping it will suddenly crumble one day - well it won't, your head is not made of concrete and all you'll do is bash your brains in. Aspies especially have a tendency to do this - as extreme narrow focus in one direction, endless persistence and repetition, and perseverance, traps us in these cycles.

What you need to do, rather, is step sideways.

Life is like a maze of brick walls, and the ones who make it to the centre of the maze are constantly trying different pathways, adjusting their directions, figuring out the best route. Stepping sideways doesn't necessarily mean giving up running or filmmaking altogether - it means coming at it from a different angle. Why do you think there are so many singing teachers, drama teachers, and sports teachers/coaches in the world? For some, this may have been their original ultimate passion, for many it was a step sideways and a way to succeed still in the field of their choice. If you can't be an Olympic runner, doesn't mean you need to drop it - you could become a running coach, start a running school, or run yourself for charity events, or introduce running events into an under-privileged neighbourhood. Success isn't always being the person at the peak of the pyramid. Most of them get lucky, as there are often many many people with the same level of talent who never make it in that direction.

Same with filmmaking, if you're not succeeding, maybe rethink your approach - figure out why it is you're not succeeding. It's never to do with luck, perhaps your films are still amazing but too obscure for a general audience to relate to. Perhaps you need to be advertising them to the Autistic community rather than the general public, or more alternative festivals. I don't know, I'm just groping in the dark here. But there are lots of ways to be involved in film making or do film making other than creating a film yourself and marketing it to festivals.

This might seem anti-intuitive, but I promise you I believe it's the best way.

You should congratulate your friend and rejoice. Celebrate.

Every day I think about if I've made the wrong decisions. yet what I come back to is I love what I do. I just fear that what I love, and what I'm good at are two completely different things. I pursue what I love, but what if I'm just no damn good at it, wind up penniless, anonymous, my films desired by no one, a joke and a failure to all.

This guy, no matter what else he does in life, shall forever say he lined up with the best in the country as an equal, and competed to represent his nation. I hope to contribute something in the same way, and worry I haven't the chops for it, or that no one will care.

As for teaching? I just don't know. I mean, it's not really an issue now, because there's nothing as far as teaching goes for someone whose skills are in filmmaking. With the dire states of the education system, and the economy, creative posts are being cut left and right. My skills are in demand only in the good times, and not the bad. Someday I'd like to teach what I know, but not now, because I don't know enough to be of any good to young minds. And I don't want to devote my life to being a stepping stone for someone else. Who the heck remembers a teacher who influenced someone? They remember the someone, not the teacher. I'm not going to live my life in subservience to someone else's legacy. I've got something of my own to create. But God, I'm scared I can't do it.

Brian, this hits HARD with me. I too aspire to become a film maker but no one cares for me. Brian, I think we need to stop caring about what other people think. That is the first step. We know that we are blessed right? You have that feeling right, that your vision is important, that it matters, I have that feeling too. See, our vision IS important, we ARE good film makers, ALL that we can do is simply put our brilliant vision out to the world and if the world doesn't get it then you know what? They are blind. If they don't understand our great work then maybe they aren't evolved enough yet to understand it. Maybe it will take time for them to understand it but you know what Brian? Maybe we are so far advanced and our vision is too bright for them to see it. Maybe we are so far into the future with our ideas that they cannot comprehend because they have been dumb ed down by this blind world of sitcom t.v.s and meaningless reality television. The people right now who are succeeding in the world are doing so because the weak people who support them don't know what they are supporting. Hitler came to power and he was successful because of the blind people who supported him, does that make him a great person? Nah, he is just a product of the masses. Our vision though Brian is creative and it is important. We can use our vision to help the world, not to destroy it. Once you do this, once you realize that it is your job to help people through your gift of film making then it doesn't matter if people get it or not because you put it into the world. Your creation will forever be in the world. Then if people now don't understand it, then people in the future many years later WILL GET IT and you will be recognized for the great person that you are.

I'm in the same club with Sanchenuss and BrianRuns...Film production major and all of that. I was even in an amateur production group with people who treated me like crap. I felt I was gifted at video editing but no one ever gave me a chance I was always stuck with the sounds crew. I had a hard time after graduating with the idea that all of my friends were gonna go on to be great movie directors and not me.

Well I did find out that that wasn't the case. In fact a majority of those people have never even left the state. Only a few I knew went to New York or LA to start their careers. Some have changed their careers since then. I've accepted since then that being in film production was not for me. I know I am creative but there's very little opportunity for creative people to shine that doesn't require judgment of their people skills. I'll probably stick with writing a book or something.

Look at it this way, I think having AS allows me to feel less anxious about having to be at the same level as other people. I feel I dont have to be competitive and I'm accepting of that. The pressure sucks. Who needs it?