You wanted Giftorcurse.

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I'll tell you about Giftorcurse. For the record, call me Connor.

You may have read my posts in this forum. You may think I'm being a whiny b***h, but I'm at a loss for words. I'm being choked non-stop; have been since early 2009. Tried to strangle myself with my bedsheets after finding out I was nearsighted. For me, it was just another reason to add to the list. At the time, I was a freshman in high school. First years are always tough on me. In kindergarden and sixth grade, I was quite the troublemaker. f*****g animal, that's what I was. With every first year comes enemies. I've made plenty. My first friend used to beat the s**t out of me, saying that it he was just playing. I am incapable of trust; everybody in school is out to get you. They picked on me for every conceivable reason. They said that I was gay, that I was a nerd, that I was "a fat-ass", and so on. The fact that I had to get glasses would've cemented the nerd image in their mind. I had to escape.

Spent the night in a psych ward as a result. I told them the usual stuff, that I'd snapped, that my dad constantly teases and harrasses me. And you know what? They did nothing.
Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
My suicide attempt open doors for me. I saw before me the absolute futility of existence. We come out a vadge, for nothing. We've never really accomplished anything. MLK, Gahndi, Einstein... they did nothing. Naturally, I tried fooling myself. I tried writing a novel, which I still haven't finished. Then I found her.

This is Molly Ringwald. My other face.
For some reason, I developed a bond with her. How could anyone not? Even now, she astonishes me. Whenever I'm alone, I imagine that she's with me. I dreamt of her, watched her. Whenever people attack my personhood, I imagine her striking back tenfold. God of War and Mortal Kombat times a billion. She exists in three stages: sister (about my age), lover (late teens to early twenties), and mother (Molly of the present). The Sister Molly is just that; my conception of what the sister I never had should be like. All of my sexual desires are transplanted to Lover Molly, the perfect woman. I polish the gun to her image in my mind. Mother Molly is a replacement of sorts for my real mother; she's gentle, wise. In a word, pure. A friend described the Mollys in my mind as "a security blanket." But sometimes, when I feel down, they attack me.
"You know that you're s**t."
TO BE CONTINUED IN A LATER POST.

Can't think of anything to say. I'm getting ready for school.

You may now respond. I'll elaborate during discussion.

I can relate to having no right to my identity. I was technically a metalhead/skater-thrash guy, dressed the part, the problem was that while I had a style it was too unique, people were both fascinated by and repelled by me. When that happens that's when bullying tends to be sublimely bad.


They won't. Unless you're being physically abused the state has no statute for controlling your parents or sending you somewhere else. Truthfully its doubtful that they could promise to send you anywhere better. Really like anyone else they go to work, get a paycheck, and leave - for your issues they kind of care, as far as they absolutely need to, that's it.


In an atheistic sense - yes, there's absolutely nothing, no escape. In an abstract theist sense - I think we're experiencing this with no memory because its the only place we can, its bliss everywhere else and this was likely built so that we would have real personalities rather than be gelatinous masses of grown babies.


You might find this interesting... or, this may be the absolute last thing you want to have elucidated about yourself. It sounds like you're brain is grappling with itself and you're pulling her in for symbolic effect, perhaps she has an energy that you wish you had more of, etc. etc.. I'd suggest reading up on Carl Jung and Jungianism, it would be your kind of thing.

I have quite a vivid imagination myself and I've had a very intense fantasy life, especially as a child. Its a way introverts sort themselves out and quite often its a bit like dreams moving out into waking consciousness. Do read Jung though, I think his stuff would help you understand what you're dealing with or dealing in perfectly because its a psychology for introverts by and shaped on an ongoing basis by introverts.

Hmm.

1) Choose the right friends. Ok this can be difficult because aspies are socially naive. But there are peaceful people out there.
2) Good friends or group of friends will protect you and bullies will be less likely to attack. (very important make some notes about this one)
3) Don't walk alone. Be always with the good friends.
4) Don't be shy, make the good friends.
5) If someone is beating you too much and he is stronger than you are tell the school (principal) about that. There is no shame in that.
-) I would post fight back but this only works in some occasions if you are sure that it won't escalate to a major fight. If someone calls you something there is nothing that prevents you from calling him something too. But don't do this if you think the is going to beat you after that. Because I don't believe in violence this rule has no number.
6) Be positive, high school ends in 3 years you won't have to see these people ever again.

These are Wedge's 6 rules. They come from my personal experience.

I guess that I was very much like you so I'm writing this advice. I don't know if they will work in an American school though because I don't know how things are there.

Friends, friends, friends... that's all you have to say?

Still feeling dead. Web voice is numb.

My crush rejected me, by the way.

Stop being Mr. Doomngloom all the time. Learn to be positive and to love yourself.

Ignore my advice if you like, though. Afterall, it's your choice whether to be unhappy or not.

My HS sweetheart dropped me the night before I left for college way back in 1983. For the next FOUR years I was in a tailspin. Bombed out of college too by the way. For three years I lied to my parents that I was doing fine in college, imagine how it was when I told them I failed out.

I've fought depression for most of my life and all I can tell you is keep breathing. Whatever you're feeling is temporary and your situation will improve. It will never be perfect, but it will be mostly tolerable and there will be a few times (very few) when it really feels good. Enjoy those moments when you can. It won't matter what you did (or who you knew) in high school when you're 45.

Teenage years are really, really tough; especially for people like us. I'm not really sure I'd want to relive them. Hang in there man.

Okay... I'm pushing forty now... tell me, how does one make "friends"? I'm not sure this advice is helpful to the OP, because quite frankly, no matter how outgoing, chipper and friendly you are, friends are hard to come by. I've got perhaps two people with whom I'm on first level friendly terms with... one of whom I thought was a very close friend till I moved, and discovered that if she didn't see me she wouldn't remember to talk to me, another of whom I have a friendly relationship with on a professional basis, and have nearly become friendly with.

Do you know just how hard it is for most of us to make even one friend, let alone "friends" plural, and therefor how tragically hopeless your advice would seem to many aspies? I've learned to live without friends... it has to be even harder to read this advice if you're young enough to think friends actually matter in life.

Well said genedig65. Sorry if my own comments seemed overwhelmingly negative... the fact is that, with or without friends life gets immeasurably better.

Outside of my wife, I really don't have friends anymore either. I think the whole friend thing is a little over rated actually. I have some old friends from back in the day, but I don't see them on a regular basis. However, I don't seem to mind.

I wouldn't call the people I work with friends either. It's not that they're mean or nasty, it's just that I don't have much in common with them. Again, I don't mind. I actually enjoy being alone most of the time.

GiftorCurse: do you have any hobbies or interests? Pursue them and find satisfaction in them. I like to build scale models. Each successive model I build gets more realistic; better looking.

I'm into writing, but I suck at it. Badly. And to think I was hoping to be a novelist. I'm stuck trying to create the Watchmen of postmodern science fiction novels, and I'm still on the first chapter. I obsess about the characters and the ludicrously complex, NGE-esque story, trying to get into their minds, put in the hidden meanings, and so on. I've tried to work on something else, but so far, the other ideas are still in the brain phase.

Sounds cool, keep hammering at it. You may not be the next Larry Niven (my favorite writer) but as each piece is written, you'll improve. When you feel comfortable enough, post them on a literary blog. Obviously, be prepared for criticism. Trolls will tear anything down so ignore them but you'll probably get some real help fine tuning your work. I'm assuming your still school age, so why not run your work by your teachers and let them critique it. You might be surprised.

I build models and enter them in contests now. I've won a few but mostly I see some really good models that blow mine out of the water!