The Point Of No Return

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There is nothing in this society for me.....I mean there is litterally nothing I find appealing about it at all. What do I do with that? I mean there is no going back is there. Most of my family has more or less found a way to make it work for them. My sisters got her life together and will get somewhere, My brother is only 16 but I think he's got a pretty good idea of what to do with himself. So I feel further isolated from them, they will never understand how I feel. The reason the counseling does not work is I can't go back.......society rejected me for so long I finally lost contact with it and now I see nothing at all appealing about it. Its all so terribly meaningless, and history only repeats itself over and over and over again. I mean I don't want to have kids and bring them into this, what's the point....Yes I am in college but its a last desprete attempt to remain un-noticable. I mean I can probably go to college fake that I actually plan on doing something with it for a while......but eventually someone is going to find out, and what do they do when there is no way to make you fit for society......well they throw away the key don't they. So I want all of my family and anyone I have ever met to get on with their lives.....enjoy what they can and I hope they never see through the illusion and find themselves on this side. Looking in but detatched and feeling empty.

OK, ignoring society, are there things you like?

There is nothing in this society for me either. The fact is that society is a golden cage people stay in just because they like how it shines. You don't need society's approval to do what you want and be what you want to be. It seems that you haven't figured out what you want yet, but you will find your purpose with time.

Yeah maybe, but how am I supposed to live life they way i want without societies approval......you can't magically get an apartment and be left alone. You have to be able to work otherwise you are stuck homeless or at your parents house. I mean I really cannot function in this society at all.......I mean i've only had one week of college and monday starts off my second week and already I feel like I don't even want to keep going. Its gotten really hard for me to walk around in public alone which I end up doing half the day. I was supposed to give my college teachers letters from the disability department of the college that explained some things like having to take tests in the testing center rather then in the classroom with everyone else and I have not even given them to them because I don't want them to know there is anything odd about me. I don't even know if getting an apartment with my sister and cousin is a good idea because I feel like I am getting so dysfunctional I would only cause problems for them.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 23 Jan 2011, 5:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well even the things I like are not enough to distract me from all this anymore. I can't even enjoy music like I used to...I still like it but I used to actually be kind of enthusiastic about it.

Is college really what you want to do? Life can get really heavy when you're living the life of the one society wants you to be.
Few people can literally live outside of society, but you can be free from society in your heart and spirit. You can live in society, to a certain extend follow the more basic of it's rules, but not let it dictate your values. You can break A LOT of society's rules without legal punishment.
I don't know if anything i'm saying makes any sense.

I remember having bad feelings to the point of not enjoying the things I liked anymore. I remember it getting to the point food lost its proper taste, I think even my taste buds were depressed or something. And I love food.
Is the avatar of you?

yes its my picture.

Its really the only thing I can do, I have no other way to have any sort of income at the moment.

You are quite lovely, and it caught my eye before in other threads.

Depressing thoughts come around. I find they are things that initially just make me feel worried, but they become depressing when there seems no hope of change for the thing I am worrying about. They develop to become bad, corrosive..and self-defeating. You go around and around with those thoughts.
I learnt a technique where I identify the thoughts as tangible things - theres a thought in my head and its bad, really bad - and acknowledge it as being destructive and literally dangerous, like being at the top of a steep slippery slope dangerous and I push that thought out. I realise that the thought itself is way worse than the actual thing I am thinking about.
Then it just becomes a minor annoyance. It won't go away but it no longer puts you in a ruinous place. I can't explain it much better than that. Auntblabby could, he's much more eloquent then me, theres a book he read about it.

Theres other things that can help get you out of a funk. For me its exercise and having a routine and having things to do keeps me on the straight and narrow. Other people will say the same things and thats because they are things that really do help. I guess you know there are also medications that help. If your feeling like sh*t maybe seeing a Dr might help. Sometimes those things can help get you back up off the canvas.

I can't seem to push the destructive thoughts out, and I don't see myself finding any meaning in this society or life even. I want to get some form of medical care so maybe I could talk to an actual psychologist or something before its too late......but I don't even have the energy to try and apply for anything. I really just see no way out of this....and I can't go back from this feeling.

I am sorry that society has dealt you such a bad deck of cards.

What I would do is keep posting on this website. Obviously, you're getting responses. You're not alone.

Perhaps you should write down what it is that is not appealing to you about society, then brainstorm for solutions, and maybe find the answers you're seeking. And just because your siblings apparently have their lives together, doesn't mean you never will. We all wish we could turn back the clock, even I do...but what could lie ahead just might be your permanent road to recovery. My recommendation, take it or leave it, would be to find out what you do well. Everybody has a gift with something, even if they don't know it yet.

But like I said, keep posting and we'll keep sending you advice, if you want it.

Well yeah posting on here does help a little bit...things are just getting worse as far as my state of mind goes. But I know because they already have their lives together to an extent does not mean I never will. I feel like my mind is whats holding me back. I think things will probably get worse before they improve or at least are more managable.

I feel like my mind is whats holding me back. I think things will probably get worse before they improve or at least are more managable.[/quote]

How does your mind hold you back?

How does your mind hold you back?[/quote]

Its hard to say exactly......It might have something to do with the severe depression I've had all my life. Its gotten to the point where its just hard to function in general. It takes more effort then I have the energy for to even get dressed and go out and live my life. I have to be careful where I go because I keep getting more severe anxiety attacks...last one I had freaked me out because I was close to losing touch with realitiy(whatever that is). Luckily that time I was able to just keep telling myself it was only anxiety and nothing was going to happen.....but I'm worried about the next time. I guess if need be I can hang out in the quiet study lounge between classes and just not go out and walk around. I can hardly stand to even be at the college campus alone. I kind of feel so unstable its like I could go off any minute...and not be able to do much about it.

Its hard to say exactly......It might have something to do with the severe depression I've had all my life. Its gotten to the point where its just hard to function in general. It takes more effort then I have the energy for to even get dressed and go out and live my life. I have to be careful where I go because I keep getting more severe anxiety attacks...last one I had freaked me out because I was close to losing touch with realitiy(whatever that is). Luckily that time I was able to just keep telling myself it was only anxiety and nothing was going to happen.....but I'm worried about the next time. I guess if need be I can hang out in the quiet study lounge between classes and just not go out and walk around. I can hardly stand to even be at the college campus alone. I kind of feel so unstable its like I could go off any minute...and not be able to do much about it.[/quote]


You said it might have to do with severe depression you've had your whole life. Were you verbally abused very often? I don't mean to get too personal, but that's how it was for me, and sometimes still is. When I entered middle school I felt I was going to prison everyday.