my rant, to expand later

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I hate that my 3 yrs older bro looks down at me and says, "you used to not talk/be like this/this way" but I barely ever talked w/ him anyway, & it's the way I am! and he's the best example first hand for me, my parents both failed their opportunities in life & we have worried about them our entire lives more than ourselves (I got 2 bros, Im in mid). this bro thinks my way of thinking/speaking is me merely being defiant & stubborn..

ntm I'm masochistic and waste/destroy/discard anything good in life.

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Turn away from all the things of men- Turn away from the old deeds of sin- Turn away (,follow me,) ta never feed what's been- Turn away -- Jesus
the five senses are overrated
So, what is this relating thing you speak of?

why do you feel like you waste destroy and discard good things in your life?

i used to do those things because i felt like i didn't deserve them.

I push away everyone at least continually or enough so that they must be a good friend to continue to reach out to me. I waste money when I have it when I'm not even half functional regarding things needed in life, whatever amount I gain. If anything goes well I sabotage in fear that things wont ever work out but only become a detriment, like my parents. I'm afraid to try success or let anything go smoothly, nothing ever did growing up. I don't love self enough to maintain, let alone a relationship I love.

You have to learn self love to find it. Obviously your parents didn't know how to show love to you because they didn't get it from their parents, so the cycle continues, but it's not destiny. You can break the cycle and learn how to love yourself and you'll begn to attract the good things in life.

Thanks, people, for listening responding, being willing to share thoughts with me.
Its mainly that now I am trying to get out of this hole that I made deeper, practically alone. I have friends that could help me with endeavors but not my basic problems I find myself in.
God let me experience & feel His love months ago, & Ive been released from depression addictions & I am happy but I have to do things to make my life decent & its still hard to actively receive good things. God changed in me what I couldnt.