I don't even know why I'm writing this

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My outlook in my life is zero. True love is nowhere to be found. I AM supposed to be alone.

Currently I am thinking of how it'd feel to cut my throat with one of my kitchen knives. It's all silver coloured and very sharp, and the blood would look pretty on it. But I'd only want to cut the vein that pumps the blood out, so I don't suffocate to death. Anyone knows which one it is?

I wonder how much longer I will keep going with this pointless wait for a girl that I am supposed to find in another life, anyway. Half a year at most. I was born on the wrong planet - I am not supposed to be here - I have always felt unhuman - ever since I was little. I am supposed to take my life in loneliness, get out of this shìt and be luckier on some better planet in another life. It's a bit funny, many people are so sad because they lack attractiveness, and feel they would be happier if they had it... I really feel for those who have it that way, but my attractiveness has never done any good for me. No one barely even sees me since I avoid getting outside. Why would I go outside? If I can't find the right girl, even over the Internet, but just find girls that are unfaithful to me, then why would I try anywhere else? I have tried to keep up my hope in this and I try, I really try to convince myself that I will find her - that I even am lucky that it never led anywhere physical with my exes, and yes, I was lucky it didn't, but still, so what? Still, here I am, alone, unhappy, with not a hint of my life changing for what I want it to except for some goddamned useless prophetic dreams for this time in my life that never meant shìt when I had similar experiences, in the past. Just randomness, that's what they were, and I have NO faith that they'd mean any more than that, this time.

I just want to die. :/ I am so tired of living this way. Nothing is fun, anymore. Nothing. Really nothing. All I have in this life is my overwhelming hatred and my murderous thoughts that I am very sorry to say that I have never acted on. If I had at least done that, I could feel pride about something big I'd have done, that could've stopped what happened to a now dead friend of mine, as an example. There's so much evil and repulsiveness in this world... all I "have" is my ability to see where everything is going, and thinking about every negative thing until I get grey hairs and can't even lead a single day out of the week even somewhat normally. All that manages to make me not lose my mind is my constant watching of cartoons like Flapjack, Chowder and Fairly Odd Parents, so my mind won't snap due to the darkness. But maybe it'd be better if it did snap?

Last edited by Beauty_pact on 26 Jan 2011, 8:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

To get our attention, and you now have it.

What might we do for you?

I don't know. Nothing, I guess.

I remember how different it was when I was little. I looked so forward to getting that one videogame a year, and I drew pictures from it, and modelled characters in clay. Every day I waited, and I imagined in my mind how great it would be (and it was), and how the levels would be, the enemies, the music. I could enjoy things, back then. Today I have a videogame collection that is bigger than what pretty much any videogame freak has, except for one thing - I haven't even removed the plastic from the boxes on almost any of them. It started due to my filth problems - my undesire to allow them to get filthy - special procedures had to be followed when opening them - but today, it's also that I won't enjoy the games, anyway. But yet I keep buying them, but I just put them away, unopened. And the ones I *have* opened, most of them I have barely played at all. And when I have played them, I have to follow procedures so my useless stuff doesn't get filthy. It's funny how when you have nothing in life, you find things to care about that are totally irrelevant. I treat my stuff almost as if they are living beings with souls that have to be protected and nurtured from the filth that is everywhere. And that just makes me even unhappier. What I do when I have nothing, so I will have *something*, just makes me even emptier inside. I am rotting inside, that's how it feels.

Yes, and I know that feeling. My imagination has made things into more than what they really are, yet those things actually could be very real if I only know what they really were.

Sometimes I think I am pathetic, but then that seems just too simplistic.

you are a good writer. Have you thought about writing books or writing screenplays?

I think you might be trying to fill that emptiness inside yourself with hunting for a girlfriend, Beauty_pact. Sometimes humans do that kind of thing. They fixate on something to distract themselves from something else. In your case the problem is that the thing you are using to distract yourself with is not successful either and that adds to your frustration.

I know it is easier to suggest action at this point than to actually introduce it into your life, but I think that finding something else to distract yourself would be a good idea. Humans have some kind of drive inside themselves that has to be satisfied, a drive that makes us do things and search for new experiences. I reckon you used to satisfy that drive with gaming, but when that didn't suffice anymore to satisfy your drive you turned towards this filth issue you have. It may not appear a rational thing to do to obsess over filth and the special procedures you have created for yourself, but it is something that will satisfy that drive within you. Not completely though, and that is why you are not happy with your current situation.

It is a sound assumption that establishing a relationship with a girl would help you to satisfy the drive as that would open many new possibilities of interaction to you. But it is not the only possible thing. Until you find somebody you really want to be with it might be best to find some kind of substitute activity to satisfy the drive. A substitute activity that would increase your chances of finding a girlfriend would be optimal, I think.

Maybe you could engage in some kind of charity work? Helping others can do a lot to quieten that drive within you and to make you feel better. It would also give you opportunities to talk to people you've never met before and give you something you could talk about to any females you might meet. If you are not into being around people too much, you could offer your help at the local animal sanctuary. Those are always happy when people offer to help them take care of the animals sheltered there and if you were to (for example) walk the dogs for them, you'd spend less time around people while still satisfying your drive.

Your carotid artery is actually pretty deep in your neck. To get to it you would first need to cut through some pretty sensitive muscles and nerves. It can be done while avoiding the trachea but probably not by someone who has no medical experience, or at least some time spent in butcher training. Even if you did hit the trachea, you would not "suffocate", as you would exsanguinate first - though the feeling is probably not all that different as you are dying from the same basic cause, hypoxia.

It's sad that you have no identity without a woman.

You need to watch Fight Club or something. If there is anything I have noticed about depression and men is they have no self validation and depend entirely on others (usually women, either that or they're gay) to validate them. Once you've been through love and all the associated BS you stop giving a s**t about all that, why not just cut the crap and realize that rather than seeking disappointment (which is all love is).

Fight Club is an excellent movie. I recommend every Aspie or Autistic watch it.

Every person should watch it. Whether they're autistic or not makes no odds.
Brad Pitt covered in blood is always worth a watch.

haha, you are right............about the not being autistic thing.

yeah, right. i know you love a bloody brad pitt too.

hahaha

I actually have thought a lot about making at least one movie, but it wouldn't make me any happier. Would leave me just as empty inside, afterwards. Also, I currently don't have the money to buy the equipment, even though the costs for making movies have exceptionally dramatically decreased with the advent of DSLR cameras with full HD video recording, like Canon's cameras. Still, not enough money, unless I'd win on the lottery, and no actors. It'd also be quite a bit of work since I'd have to be the only one handling the cameras; not just being the director... otherwise it wouldn't become good enough. Still imagine doing it, one day, if I will have time to make it before getting too old - no way I'd ever become forty.




I like to help people whenever I can, but charity work would be too much for me... I barely even go outdoors. I am really great at talking with people, when I do, but it drains me of energy, when I do so, so I tend to avoid it. As for some animal shelter... I like animals, but the truth is that animals are a bit too much for me... not to mention that they get so filthy. :/ Like everything else does, though. Also, there is no animal shelter where I live. I am thankful for your suggestions, though; I do appreciate that you tried to figure something out... but in the end, nothing except finding my true love would make me feel happy in this world. Yes, a substitute activity, until then, that would increase my chances of finding my girl would be great, but I just am not interested in anything, anymore.... -_- but at least I do not feel suicidal, today, like yesterday... just numb. No thoughts of how it'd be to cut my throat, currently. I used to have one activity that I was exceptionally good at, not that long ago; photography... but that interest has completely died, recently. I guess after my October ex was unfaithful to me (my December ex wasn't unfaithful, though, but just broke up with me).




The feeling is the exact same, yes, as is its cause... that's what I was referring to. Thanks for the information. Although I guess that death through carbon monoxide poisoning, by proper burning of charcoal, would be a more comfortable way of dying... although slicing your throat sort of has an attraction to me. Interesting to imagine when I'm feeling suicidal.

I do have an identity without my girl. It's just that everything is utterly pointless without her; without true love, everything is utterly meaningless.




I have been through love. It was just the wrong kind, which of course is what you, too, are referring to. However, my bad experiences with it have just made me start searching for it much more. There was a time that I almost hoped we'd find each other by chance, when she'd pass me when I'd be standing by some bridge with a somber look on my face... I like that romantic scenario, but I don't believe any way such as that would ever happen. But being through my poor experiences have just made me want the real thing even more... not less at all. Then again, I never did anything sexual with them... in such a case, I would not seek it, again... had it been that way, though, and either of them had been unfaithful at that point, instead, I quickly would've killed myself. I'm not afraid of death. However, if, hypothetically, love was just fake, as you describe, and I somehow understood this hypothetical fact, life instantly would hold no value and I would kill myself immediately, and my soul would cease to exist, afterwards, since its existence would be irrelevant, then, and the fact it ever existed at all would be a mystery of infinite proportions. Thankfully, that is not the case, and true love does indeed exist... the question is only if I'm supposed to find it in this life, or another.

I've watched Fight Club, actually, and I understood its point. I didn't like it at all, though... I found it to be very annoying. A past friend of mine suggested that I'd watch it, years back, due to these same feelings I had, back then... sometimes I find it strange how people can see things so very differently. :l

Honestly, that is putting it very mildly. I absolutely hate that movie. It's just bad, right through the whole of it. I recommend no one to watch it.

Actually ended my friendship with the guy who suggested me to watch it, though, haha. Except it was for other reasons.