On going anxiety all day...

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24 Jan 2011, 11:42 pm

I've been having on and off anxiety all day....it got very hard to focus in class a couple of times and even now i am not breathing right because of how much effort I am putting into staying fairly calm. I am just kind of freaking out about this. And I need some advice on something.......if it should get to the point especially in class or on the college campus in general where this feeling takes over and I end up freaking out. Will that pretty much screw over my chance of attending college? I really want to make this work but I don't know how long I can keep how I feel under control and not act on it. I just don't know what to even do....my counseler does not help, I cannot build up the energy to put the effort into getting some sort of medicaid or whatever so I could maybe talk to an actual psychologist. I am too embarrased to tell my family I might need more then weekly theapy from a counseler who can't do crap. Which makes it all the more worse especially since I have been feeling very suicidal lately. I just want it to end

Kiran
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25 Jan 2011, 10:42 am

Even if you find it embarrasing, you should talk to someone about it. I felt very embarrased when i first talked to my doctor about being depressed and anxious, but i realized people were much more understandig than i thought. Having anxiety is actually not an unusual problem. Everybody suffers from it from time to time, so they might understand.

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Sweetleaf
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25 Jan 2011, 11:07 am

Kiran wrote:

I think at this point anxiety is the least of my worries.....but yeah I know i should talk to someone even my psychology teacher said if anyone in the class was having problems they should let her know or talk to someone......and even that did not convinvce me. I guess I just don't know how I'm supposed to tell anyone that I am thinking about ways in which I could end it. I mean I am fighting these urges, but I don't know how long I can.....I mean I feel empty, anxious, depressed and rather pissed off about things you could say. Seems like death would be a bit less painful then this.

leejosepho
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25 Jan 2011, 11:15 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

I feel empty, anxious, depressed and rather pissed off about things you could say. Seems like death would be a bit less painful then this.

I also tend to think relief would follow death, but then whatever comes next is just so permanent ... and that fact helps to drive me on a bit more here since I do not like leaving things unsettled or undone.

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Sweetleaf
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25 Jan 2011, 11:24 am

leejosepho wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I feel empty, anxious, depressed and rather pissed off about things you could say. Seems like death would be a bit less painful then this.

I don't feel like there is much I can do, I don't even think I'm going to make it through this semester of college.....without failing everything becuase I am so depressed I lack the energy to really even focus on it. I thought going back to college and planning to move out would help but I feel the same if not worse. I really don't have anything to live for. Sure I have some family members and a couple friends who might be sad but I have to fake happiness around them or avoid them so they can't see how I really feel. I mean they would not want me to hang around them if they have to hear about my problems. It might be easier on everyone if I just was not here anymore.

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25 Jan 2011, 11:35 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

I don't feel like there is much I can do ...
It might be easier on everyone if I just was not here anymore.

I often feel about the same way, yet I still do not know that for certain. So, I at least keep waiting to see what actually might happen.

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Sweetleaf
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25 Jan 2011, 11:39 am

leejosepho wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I don't feel like there is much I can do ...
It might be easier on everyone if I just was not here anymore.

I often feel about the same way, yet I still do not know that for certain. So, I at least keep waiting to see what actually might happen.

Well I guess after waiting for so long to see what acutually might happen just to wait some more, that is hardly enough to motivate me to keep going. I feel like if i really cant find it in myself to keep going death would definatly be the only option. I mean if I tell someone and they have me stopped chances are I will miss school due to being 'a danger to myself.' In which case I am totally screwed financially due to having loans and failing college, I don't think the loan department or college really cares why you miss class and fail.

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25 Jan 2011, 11:45 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

... if I tell someone and they have me stopped chances are I will miss school due to being 'a danger to myself.' In which case I am totally screwed ...

I do understand -- I have been in similar situations. However, I have nevertheless always managed (at least so far) to find something somewhere to keep me going for yet another day ...

Do you know anyone in a similar situation?

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arielhawksquill
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25 Jan 2011, 11:45 am

If your breathing is quick and tight because you're trying so hard to hold it all together--focus on your breathing. Consciously slow it down, try to get the air deeper into your lungs. Try counting slowly to four as you breathe in, and count slowly to four as you breathe out. Soon your head will clear and your anxiety will lessen.

I've been where you are before, freaking out about college and entertaining suicidal ideation. You should ask your counselor or regular doctor for antidepressant or antianxiety medication (ah, sweet sweet Xanax!) but know this: if you mention suicide, you are likely to lose your liberty. Your right to decide how to run your life will be taken away from you. The "help" you will get will be enforced medication and possibly incarceration in an institution. Fair warning.

Sweetleaf
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25 Jan 2011, 11:50 am

arielhawksquill wrote:

I already had a bad anti depressant experiance so I don't know that i want to try that again, maybe something for anxiety would be good. But I have to say if I can find some relief I might need to be put in an institution so I don't kill myself but thats partially why I have not mentioned to many people that I am literally feeling suicidal because I am afraid of what people would think if extreme mesures like that had to be taken to prevent me from suicide.

leejosepho
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25 Jan 2011, 11:56 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

... I am afraid of what people would think if extreme measures like that had to be taken to prevent me from suicide.

Sure, but what would *you* think?

I once had myself locked up -- a voluntary commitment -- to be sure I would not be able to harm others if those thoughts kept growing.

I am glad.

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Sweetleaf
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25 Jan 2011, 11:59 am

leejosepho wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

... I am afraid of what people would think if extreme measures like that had to be taken to prevent me from suicide.

Sure, but what would *you* think?

I once had myself locked up -- a voluntary commitment -- to be sure I would not be able to harm others if those thoughts kept growing.

I am glad.

Quite personally I think it would be better then death, but then when I got out no one would want anything to do with me.....they would pretend to, but they would probably prefer not to be associated with me.

leejosepho
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25 Jan 2011, 12:06 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

Quite personally I think it would be better then death ...

Then go get some help, and be sure to tell whoever you see the remainder of your story:

Sweetleaf wrote:

... but then when I got out ...

There is no "quick fix", but help of some kind is usually still available just for the asking.

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arielhawksquill
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25 Jan 2011, 12:11 pm

I recall in another thread you mention cannabis as an effective self-medication, Sweetleaf, but said that you couldn't afford it. At this point, the amount you will pay for a dimebag of that medicine will be minimal compared to the unpayable student loan debt you will have for a degree you didn't even complete. Just something to consider.

Sweetleaf
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25 Jan 2011, 12:11 pm

leejosepho wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

Quite personally I think it would be better then death ...

Then go get some help, and be sure to tell whoever you see the remainder of your story:

Sweetleaf wrote:

... but then when I got out ...

There is no "quick fix", but help of some kind is usually still available just for the asking.

Yeah I'll decide on something soon enough...either way if I miss college due to mental instability I am pretty much screwed, like they are going to let me come back to college after something like that. I can't function at a job...so then I have to wonder what the point of getting any sort of help would be.

leejosepho
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25 Jan 2011, 12:15 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

... like they are going to let me come back to college after something like that. I can't function at a job...so then I have to wonder what the point of getting any sort of help would be.

Like you said, getting some help is better than death!!

Go for it.

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