Feelings

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Well, I almost got a job (that in the end I didn't, becaure they are not hiring due to financial problems), and during the time when I almost got it, I thought about my life. And it looked different. For the first time, I had a job, in my dreams. And I could approach women more easily, because even though in the current reality I'm not worried about my looks, I'm indeed worried about my way of life, or more correctly how people percieve it, because people don't accept it, and I know that anyone who'm I'll be dating will be repelled by it. But then, it seemed better. It seemed that I have something normal, and that we (I and my imaginary significant other) can work out the differences, and that my abnormalities still don't make me handicapped like they do today.

And now, I'm not sad. Because it's not that I lost something I had, I just didn't get something that I almost got. But I was ready for the scenario where I don't get it. And now I'm in the same place. The same place where I'm different. Where I don't want to change and accomodate myself towards society, and it will not accommoate me. I dreamt of a job that I wanted to do, but now I'm without it. I dreamt of a situation where I do something that I like, and it makes it easier for me to communicate with others.

But now I'm back to the same point. Where I got nothing. And I'm nothing, for them. What do I do now?

I can't lead a normal life. I don't want to, unless it's something like that job I almost got - but even then, I almost got it because I know someone who's working there, and I almost got a position as a copy editor in a sports newspaper.

What am I supposed to do now? I'm back to the same situation, when there's nothing I can do. The saddest thing is that now in my dreams I do meet a woman - specifically now it's someone that started talking to me in the last couple of days - but I reject the possibility of dating, because I know how it'll end, with me being hurt, because I'm not fit for relationship. I'm not fit for human interaction, at some level... I'm just to un-normal.

I just feel miserable. I hate this self-pity thing, but that's how it is. And when people tell me that perhaps I'll met an aspie girl - well, that didn't happen until this moment, why should I believe that it will in the future? Just like that Smiths' song, "How Soon Is Now?".

Right now having a girlfriend, and I only want someone I love, not someone to have sex with for a couple of weeks and then break up - it seems like a dream, in the same way that thinking of being a professional football player is.

I hate crying like that, but it's just not fair. And I don't even think that I believe in the whole concept of "fairness", but goddammit, how come almost everyone will meet a lover, and experience this kind of happinness for more than two weeks, but I can't?

I just feel singled out, without having anyone singling me out. I just know that there's no reason to try. That if someone will convince me to try anything, I'll end up hurt, and disappointed. It's like this with school, romance, work, everything.

There's nothing that I can do, is there? Just keep hoping, holding on to that dream... But it keeps coming so better, because it's so far. I don't want it to.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? I'm high-functioning, in relation to other aspies. That's like a curse. People expect me to do normal, because I'm high-functioning. But I'm not normal... I can do much-much better at some things that are considered difficult, but keep failing at the elementary stuff. God, my professors tell me to do research, and we talk about second- and third-degree material, but I can't finish the first degree because it bores me, no challenge at all whatsoever, and I'm having trouble coming to the Uni. everday.

I just feel lost.

And yes, I just want a hug, at least a virtual one, and someone telling me that they understand me.

Hey Omerik,

I know your disheartened right now, but from what you've written it seems that there are some good things you can take away from this—for instance you have gotten a glimpse of how your feelings about things may change when something good happens in your life, and that glimpse seems like a really positive thing. So maybe this job didn't work out; but now that you know how good it can feel to have that sense of accomplishment can't you also look at it as really powerful motivation to keep working until you can attain that goal? On a side note, I respect wanting real love and not just something carnal and fleeting; that's rare and also something positive, but may also be why it seems like "everyone will meet a lover, and experience happiness". Honestly I think that kind of happiness is exceedingly rare, and most people just give up on it and settle for less. At the very least I think you can take some pride in yourself for knowing that you are seeking noble things, and I would like to hope that when people with noble goals persevere they will eventually find what they are looking for.

**HUGS Omerik**

We are here for you. Anytime. Just vent. and YES we do understand you Brother!

You need to find like minded individuals. I know it seems like they don't exist but they are out there. When you find a support group of friends it will make it easier. If you prefer isolation, then there are ways to make that easier too. Which ever path you choose, we will try to help you get there.