I don't know what to title this.

Post Reply New Topic

I really wish I could say my life is wonderful. I wish I could have good news. But no, I'm emotionally hurting and I feel as if my capability to have someone for me to love and to love me died with Emily. I've been missing her worse and worse. Always when it's the end of the day when I'm alone in my bed with my thoughts. I can't seem to move on. My usual only-needing-a-night's-sleep-to-get-over-something thing has long since failed me. My thoughts just depress me greatly and my usual constant flow of positivity has been disrupted. I fear that I'm not going to heal.

For those who don't know or missed my previous thread, Emily is the love of my life who died earlier this month in a hospital after a brutal car crash.

In other news, I was talking with my very Christian mother, whom I love very dearly, and I made the mistake of disclosing with her that I am a biromantic asexual. I've apperently broken her heart, and while I feel I've made it up with her a little bit, I feel as if I've opened a rift too wide to close. I'm not ever going to tell her my personal spiritual beliefs, because I feel as if it will kill her or drive her to suicidal depression.

I'm just so emotionally mixed right now, I don't know what to do. I'm writing this in a moment of raw emotional turmoil, for lack of a better term.

Perhaps you should seek grief counseling?

That said, it has been a very short amount of time, and the pain should be unbearable at this point. I have 3 dead exes (most unfortunate; apparently I give people tumors, particularly brain tumors). It never really goes away, but it does get better. Try to immerse yourself in distractions.

But it should still hurt that much. Suffer well, I suppose.

My condolences. I can't even fathom the amount of pain you must be feeling right now.

As for your mom, I don't know what to do about that. Hopefully your mom will be able to accept this part of you in time.

I just got done replying to your post.

Currently I'm attempting immersing myself into music and my social life, it's just times like now where I feel so very alone that hurt the most. It's like a build up all day of happiness, and then it crashes down on me like a tidal wave when I'm in bed attempting to sleep. I'm not sure if I can hold on much longer, but I'm trying.

Thanks you two. Support is always uplifting for me.

EDIT: I've decided it's better off to PM my thoughts to you.

I think it's normal to still be sad over her.
We're all here for you.

You will heal, but that does not mean there will be no scar ... and now might be a good time to begin thinking about what Emily would suggest, if she could.

Be true to yourself, cry when you must ... and now again live your life to its fullest while holding fond memories of her.

Time and counseling will never get rid of the pain or her memory but it will make the pain manageable and you will find the path you need to function again in life with her memory in your heart. I am so sorry for your loss and the grief that you must endure. Please seek out grief counseling.

As far as your mom, never mind her now. You told her some truth about yourself and it's her choice how she deals with that. You don't live to meet her expectations. As a mom myself, I can tell you the only safe expectation I have for my kids is for them to find themselves, be secure in that, and make sure that they are happy and strong no matter what life deals them. I'm here to help them. Sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political beliefs... none of that is mine to dictate to them. Your mom has chosen to expect something that's beyond her control so she will feel the way that she feels. Let that go.

Please go to grief counseling and get stronger.

Thanks all of you. As I said to Seiblue, I'm going to try counseling or at least talking to people about it more. As for my mother, I'm just going to bide my time a bit until an opportunity arises. That's all I think I can do right now.

I'm sorry about your loss.