Feeling conflicted
I enjoy being alive, I really do, I just find a few aspects of independence immensely difficult. Communication is difficult, and persistence in regards to long term goals is difficult. I am tragically content. I can sit in an empty room for hours at a time and not feel the slightest urge to do anything. All day long in my head remembered music is playing, people are talking, and im thinking! Yet outside the walls of my sanctuary important tasks are forgotten, plans are put off, and not much of any worldly importance gets done. I feel the need to say it once again; I am tragically content.
A few days ago my doctor prescribed me ritalin, and having only tried it for a very short time as a child I figured I would give it another go. On it the self motivation is almost effortless, and while I still misunderstand half of what people say to me its easier for me to articulate that in a way that doesn't make them irritated. To be honest, I was surprised how well it worked for those things, but now something has me feeling conflicted . While I do like (and very much need) the improved ease of self motivation, persistence, and fluency of speech, I feel completely empty. The contentment is gone, the warm comforting feeling of satisfaction with myself is gone. I feel like I'm on autopilot all day.... not bored, not happy, not anything, just completely and utterly empty. I'm starting get things done and function (almost) like other people my age, but I feel like the toll its taking on me is high. While (to a degree) I'm enjoying getting things done that I've put off for longer than I want to say, I feel like its at the expense of what makes me feel familiar to myself.
Anyone ever feel like this after taking stimulants?
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"To the end, my dear." ~ Stravinsky
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