So angry

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Story time!

I have been feeling like people are taking advantage of me lately. I've had a lot of people think they can talk down to me and hurt me in the last few months, and I've basically been tolerating it. Lately, every little thing that someone says to me is starting to get me very angry, but again I hold it all inside.

Today my boss and a girl who he's dating (she has a boyfriend too, that isn't him) came in and ate food that they didn't even buy at our cafe (so I got to clean it up). We had another girl from a business next door come over and hang out, who is really pretty and sweet. Long story short, as soon as she left my boss's date was talking trash about her saying that she wears too much makeup because she has no confidence, and could kick her ass if she wanted to. Annoyed, I said, "I will not tolerate any fights here" as I was the only one working at the bar.

She then started saying that I don't know what I'm talking about and to basically butt out, and I felt as though I couldn't talk back to her because my boss was trying to get into her pants. She was so drunk that she forgot that she was rude, and the boss thought that the whole thing was funny. At that point we were the only people there. I think they felt bad for being terrible because I suddenly wasn't talking to them, so they put a few dollars in the tip jar, but my emotions cannot be bought off. She was being so rude to a sweet girl just because she was pretty. She was also rude to me. I'm sick of her bullying, even if it is alcohol-induced.

This isn't really that big of a deal, but when they left I was so angry about that and everyone else in my life taking advantage of how passive I am that I took a wine glass that they used when they left and THREW it against the wall, shattering it all over the place. Thank goodness no one saw me. I was just shaking with fury.

I'm afraid of the next time someone treats me with disrespect, because I think I'm going to blow up on them. I'm boiling over with anger inside and have been for months...anger for men who think they can treat me like I owe them some sort of allegiance and women who are mean to me for no reason, or think they are better than me. I'm respectful to everyone by default, and I do not want to change my initial demeanor.

I am so angry all the time. What do I do? Even now I just want to punch someone mean in the face.

Getting angry never works for me, it just makes things worse. The only time it's ever been useful has been the very odd time someone was assaulting me.
I just look at people like that and feel a little sorry for them rather than angry at them, they're pathetic and mean. Imagine being like that?! It would suck.

Sounds like the bint your boss is dating is actually the one with no confidence. Anyone who trashes someone like that is threatened or jealous.

I don't really know that saying someone wears too much makeup because they have low self esteem is necessarily a negative comment about them.

That someone wears too much make up is an observational, opinion based comment that doesn't really reflect one's opinion on the actual character of the person they are making it about. To state that the person has low self esteem, can be a pity based comment or another opinion based observational comment.

She could have thought the woman was actually pretty, noted she wore too much makeup, and concluded she must have low self esteem (as there would be few other reasons for a pretty woman to wear a lot of makeup).

Not all comments non-positive comments about people are criticisms. A lot of it depends on intent. Many of us with AS have been called horrible people, or verbally attacked because we made an innocent or well meaning comment that was misunderstood. Or a comment which was simply interpreted wrong.

Also, drunk people can be mean, rude, nasty, etc. I have a relative who was a bar tender and quit because she "got tired of babysitting grown men". I wouldn't put much weight on what they say. Perhaps you should consider working someplace where you are not subjected to such things.

"Not all comments non-positive comments about people are criticisms. A lot of it depends on intent. Many of us with AS have been called horrible people, or verbally attacked because we made an innocent or well meaning comment that was misunderstood. Or a comment which was simply interpreted wrong.

Also, drunk people can be mean, rude, nasty, etc. I have a relative who was a bar tender and quit because she "got tired of babysitting grown men". I wouldn't put much weight on what they say. Perhaps you should consider working someplace where you are not subjected to such things."

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I would have certainly taken that comment as something that wasn't mean, if she wasn't talking about how much she liked to make this girl cower and how people on yelp don't like her because she has "no personality." It was obviously mean and unwarranted. That girl didn't deserve to get trash talked when she wasn't there to defend herself.

The poster above was right about her having the low self-esteem, but I feel terrible when people who don't deserve to be disrespected are, even if it's out of jealousy.

Also, it's too bad because this person is nice when she's not drinking, but she gets drunk anyway and bullies girls. Since it happens often, It's no excuse for her behavior. That being said, I think I'm taking it too personally because I have a lot of built up anger from other things inside. I've just about had it with mean, petty people who treat others like garbage just because they think they can. Sometimes I feel like I see it everywhere around me.

This is generally when most people get trashed...when they aren't there to defend themselves.



I was never quite sure if people who say mean things when they are drunk are saying things they really think but would never say sober, or make different conclusions about things when they are drunk. If she is not being rude to you directly, and unprovoked, then I'm afraid you will just have to shrug it off. If she is being rude or abusive towards you, unprovoked, then you should talk to your boss about it.



That being said, I think I'm taking it too personally because I have a lot of built up anger from other things inside. I've just about had it with mean, petty people who treat others like garbage just because they think they can. Sometimes I feel like I see it everywhere around me.[/quote]

I can be hyper sensitive a times all you have to do is BRUSH against me and it can set me off, when i'm the wrong frame of mind

That is the response I often get from people who know me very well (especially my parents) when I try to participate in a conversation about something that is not about me, and, therefore, I am assumed to be ignorant about. Basically what they assume is that I am 5 year old, so I have no idea about the topic, so I am not competent enough to participate. And yes, it is very insulting.

i think AwesomeUsername was in a slightly different position, as she rebuked somebody for making a hurtful remark. it sounds that you describe a situation where you might even just try to join into a conversation about politics and your parents make you feel as if your contribution was unwelcome.
the difference is that both, the drunk girl and the OP passed personal 'judgement' over the behaviour of another person.
do i assume correctly? beat me if i don't, .

I feel with you so much AwesomeUsername, because these are the very same lessons that my 9 year old son has to learn right now:

1. people do not appreciate it, when you point out their inappropriate comments or behaviour to them, especially if there is a witness ( it does not matter, whether the comment or behaviour took place in front of the very same witness, this witness stayed quiet when they committed their faux-pas, now why do you have to come along and make a big deal out of it .... ? ).
2. more often than not, the people you stood up for are not too happy about your involvement on their behalf either, especially when they are still present when you speak up for them.
3. people do not always share the same concept of ethics, justice and etiquette, but we "Kantian" Aspies think they ought to, and that is when we create a whole lot of trouble for ourselves.
4. people are flexible ( VERY flexible, ) when it comes to sticking to unwritten social rules, and this could also be a reason for your ( and my son's .... and mine, ) penned up anger, because you do not know, when it is perfectly alright or even mandative to break these unwritten social rules and when to adhere to them.

the fact that you threw a glass afterwards also seems to be an outlet of your frustration that your concept of values was not shared ( you can argue how far you could take a discussion about shared concepts with a drunk person anyway, ),
but it certainly seems to me that having endured injustice and disrespect yourself and the anger about being unable to improve this situation, i.e. make people hear your voice and wishes and respect them, channelled into this situation that had seemingly nothing to do with you, but you reacted the way you did, because it feels "safer" to stand up for somebody else than yourself.

my 9 year old son could not have put it better:

" It's easier to stand up for my friend, because then there is somebody with me. when i have to stand up for myself, i am on my own. "

even in your situation the girl you defended was "with you", present in your mind, worth fighting for, maybe it would help next time to visualize yourself standing next to yourself ( quite literally, same clothes, same shoes, etc. ) as if you were standing up for a friend when somebody tries to take advantage of you.
this is at least what i will tell my son. he thinks visually as well, and this technique might just help.

all the best!

p.s.: just don't yell at the offensive person in your life : " don't you ever do that again to "her", you hear me?! "

Perhaps she was only speaking of hypothetically beating her up, and you took it literally and accused her of wanting to beat her up right then and there? Saying to her that fighting is not tolerated was an implied accusation against her, when she was merely blowing off steam?

You probably shouldn't have said anything. - I doubt she was actually going to start a fight with her. If i'm mad I say i'll kick someone ass, but I never actually would, it just makes a person feel better.

The fact she needs to trash talk some woman for wearing too much makeup, obviously has her own confidence issues and needs to bully others to feel better about herself.