Is this how its going to be?

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Am I always going to be a freindless loser, who clings to any chance of friendship.......even if I know it probably wont amount to anything that lasts. I do have one friend but other then that I have family and I actually do like hanging around my brother, cousin and sister though my sister is usually busy with work and such.

My brother is 16, but he might as well be 18 he looks it and he acts like it so yeah I get along with him but and his friends are pretty cool but yeah I can't really consider his friends my friends. I mean if I am with my brother and he wants to hang out with them then I am welcome but they arent going to call me up to come hang out obviously. It also makes me kind of sad though that I never really had a group of friends that I could be there for or that could be there for me. And I also tend to get self concious in that I will feel like I'm you know imposing or have worn out my welcome.

Its kind of the same deal with my cousin except she's 20........and we actually did speak of getting an apartment since we have simular intrests and I like the kind of people she hangs out with so there would be no issues with having people visit. But I still can't help feeling that I would be imposing......like I feel like the akward family member that others feel obligated to be nice to even though in reality they would rather not deal with me. I don't want to be the person she has to 'deal with or pretend to enjoy being around' so I'll pay my share of the rent. But ok the trouble is she does not actually come off that way........I am just used to people kind of treating me that way like at school when I was a kid so I get so self councious thinking about it. I mean I dont want to get an apartment with her and then push her away because I feel like she must think of me as a burden so I project it onto her even though she does not actually feel like that.

But yeah I guess I don't see how I am going to make any more friends if I can't even strengthen bonds with family members due to my paranoia of what I think they must think of me but probably don't. And its become very clear to me that I don't have the confidence or skills to make it through life completely on my own...but I am usually taken advantage of, picked on or shunned by most people. So I am afraid to really try and pursue friendships as I don't want to let yet another 'superior' person who gets it and can see how clueless I am get close to me only to abandon me and maybe take advantage as much as they can first.

Sorry this is so long.......and most likely annoying because I should probably just be happy with what I have.

Long means detailed, I like long messages as usually I don't have to wonder if this or that relevent question will cause pain to the OP so no need to be sorry.

I understand where you're coming from about not feeling able to trust family. This thing where people don't say things outright can really muddy the water regarding relationships. Although, if your cousin wants to move in with you and likes the same things as you, it's highly probable that she likes you as you and not just because you're family. Regarding your brother, as I'm an only child with little knowledge of siblings my knowledge is limited but it's probable that he cares for you as you as well.

It can be hard to trust people when a person isn't sure what they're thinking. I'm still learning how to trust people, as I'm still learning I don't have any pointers as of yet but when I know good pointers I'll let you know.

I hope you feel better soon.

Maybe you should talk to your cousin and ask what she thinks about it. Honestly, I only think having someone who shares your interests and who you get along with could only make you better.

Friends are important, but not as important as having people who love and care about you around. Actually.. in a sense, they are friendships, just because they are cousins or brothers attached as a title doesn't make them any less relevant. It is hard to find people with a sense of common ground, and family can provide that and be strengthening. At 25, I miss the desperate times when I talked to my cousins about video games or would go over their house to talk. I'm in a different state now and visiting is out of the question.

Self confidence is something I have to work on yourself, it is the hardest thing in the world to love yourself.. we call not speaking up for ourselves selfless, or going for what we want selfish.. but to be honest, the opposite of that, lack of assertiveness is the very thing thats hurting us. I think getting an apartment together could potentially be a good experience for you.