I was mentally suffering so much last night, it hurt

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For a while my depression and my inability to care for anything anymore practically reached it's peak just a night after having a major fight with my mom (or more like her screaming at everyone for an hour). Upon this realization that I've been so deeply affected by the past to the point of being completely broken, I literally felt the mental anguish banging against the walls of my skull (still feel it a little even this morning) and I don't know how to explain it or why. I was only trying to get to sleep last night after having watched something very depressing on TV. That combined with the stress of getting interrupted by my mom midway, my current state of PMS, and my severe mental state and everything just crashed the moment I tried to lay my head down and then suddenly like super quickly all the visions of all the bad moments in my life were flashing before my eyes until one that has been constantly repetitive with me lately seemed to drop on my head like an anchor and I just broke. I didn't cry too much but what I felt at that moment was so severe I thought I was gonna die from it. It was horrible what I was feeling. I was being tortured by my own mind with just about everything that has caused my depression in a manner of seconds, literally hitting my brain.

It was the worst thing I ever felt and I still feel it a bit.

And if that weren't enough, I had a dream overnight that I parked a car in the yard of a guy I knew from college (but was never friends with). I don't even ask to park the car, my inconsiderate Aspie mind assumes it was ok since we knew each other and then I go off come back and find my car got towed and so did his. I go to the door and he's screaming at me for getting his own car towed and I'm in my state of Aspie terror. This was almost portrayed in a TV show manner. But anyway the mental anguish was so severe that I had to wake up from it. It's still getting to me even though it was only a dream and I haven't seen this guy in about half a decade. I don't trust my mind anymore. Any dreams I have now are too similar to my life (getting yelled at by people). I'm terrified to go back out into the world because I know that I will only keep making mistakes like such in my dream where I will do something stupid and not think rationally of what other people will think and get into serious trouble for something I didn't think through and get yelled out by everybody I know. This is why I can't trust myself to even get a job anymore. I can't even trust myself to go into a grocery store since for a good part of my life my biggest fear was that I would activate the shoplifting alarm walking out with something I didn't even realize was on me or don't even remember picking up.

I'm really terrified of my current state of unemployment and depression. And I'm more humiliated with the fact that most of it is still caused by the teasing, harrassing, and the hypocritical cruelty of friends from college that I failed to stand up to, the former roommate that turned out to be a horrible person that I allowed to bully me around, and the former best friend who took advantage of me and is now making me come up with insane theories about how she intentionally manipulated me for her own personal gain.

My family can't help me. They're too irritated by my refusal to go look for a job. What's the point in telling them a real cause when they will just call it B.S. and tell me to get over myself like they have before. My mom actually said one time that I needed therapy but it was only one time. All the other times she replaces "therapy" with ''etiquette school". The former is actually something that would help me more than the latter but what if they put me on antidepressants again. Jeez, my friends and family were extremely insensitive and unsupportive to me the first time I was in therapy and had to take antidepressants. Why would this time be any different considering nothing's changed about my life since this century began?

This is really bad. I'm scared and I've been throwing money away on my food spending habit and buying lottery tickets again. But it got real close to the point where I'm not only talking about killing myself, I'm actually seriously considering doing it so I don't have to go through what my mind went through last night again.

Raisedbyignorance! Do not kill yourself dear one. I know we don't know each other but you're dear to me already cause I understand you. I have been in the state of mind you were in last night quite a few times recently (not saying it was that severe every time, but it HAS been that severe) and I know how horrible it is. And your dream sounds like the kind of dream I have when some real-life pattern is really bothering me and it comes out in specific and weird form in the dream. I had I dream I was serving Thanksgiving dinner to schoolkids the other night and not everyone was getting enough food and then they had to choose holiday gifts, books, and they didn't all like what they got. And all this was symbolic of my horror at the fact that not everyone gets what they want in life, sometimes they get not enough or the wrong thing and it's scary that you seem to just have to be happy with it or else.

Anyway your particular issues, which seem to have to do in part at least with not feeling like you ever know the "right" way to act, are understandable but since they're not my main focus I can say definitively that they're not worth killing yourself over. And I understand you have other issues too and that all of this hurts you very badly. Your family not understanding about therapy is really unfortunate. But if those and antidepressants (I can't tell from what you say if you were happy with being on them) would make you feel better, you need to do it because you can't be having these suicidal thoughts, you just can't. (I know I am non-functional off medicine and talking to a therapist.) I'm not sure there's a "good" way to approach this if your family doesn't really understand how therapy would help you, but I would (if I were you) try to get to a therapist by any means possible and just insist on it and even just call up some therapists listed and explain your problem about your family and see if they can set up an initial session where they explain to your family HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

Anyway yes I understand your distress and please do not harm yourself and please get help because I can see from this distance that you could be happy.

edited to add - I forgot to address that you seem to have been a target of bullies too. No wonder you're worried about not acting the right way. There's no right way to act around people who see a maybe more manipulatable individual (this is not an insult, I'm one too) and take advantage of them.

Purchase is right Raisedbyignorance, there are therapies that can help you to feel better and methods you can learn to make life easier. Please don't let people not understanding your needs stop you from meeting your needs.

Also, therapy is like clothes, sometimes they fit really well and sometimes they don't quite fit. Keep on trying to find the one that fits your needs.

I hope you feel better soon.

Hmm. That is a really tough problem.

If you wanted to at least see if antidepressants could make a difference this time, you could schedule an appointment with your regular doctor and tell him/her about your depression/anxiety and they can prescribe you something. I know I had try try quite a few antidepressants before one worked. I know that sounds discouraging but... I hope it doesn't discourage you from at least trying another one if you're so inclined.

The therapist I go to is not an expert in Asperger's or autism by any means but she's very down-to-earth and relatable and obviously really cares about her clients (in this case me) on a personal level so I think if you look for those qualities in a therapist just upon meeting them you will find one that is willing to do whatever is necessary to help you feel better, including educate themselves about Asperger's and just generally be open-minded to seeing things your way.

Hmm. As for seeing a therapist: is there any chance your regular doctor could convince your family you need therapy, or are they not a big advocate of that? I know some physicians are pretty focused only on the "hard medicine" aspect of things. I'm not sure what I would do about your mom demanding she know everything about sessions. I guess you could always not tell her but of course that could cause a lot of tension between you.

Do you mind if I ask what kind of things you like to do and that you might be interested in doing for money? (Jobs? But I don't like the word job cause it sounds unpleasant and like work, and some ways of making money at least are fun and coincide with your interests.) I know you might not be in any state now to even think about that but I'm just trying to think if there might be some way for you to make enough money to see a therapist on a regular basis without having to ask your family. That seems a little drastic though. I would try the family doctor approach first personally. But who knows, maybe there is something out there that would not tax you at this time that could make you some money.

Tell me if none of what I said is helpful and I'll try to help think of better solutions.

Suicide is never the answer. There are people and therapies that can help you to feel better. When you get to the end of your rope, hang in there!