Devastated

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I have just found out that the man that I have been in a relationship for over a year has secretly joined a dating service. He has been all but living with me, and we were planning to move into a house together. We were supposed to look at a place this weekend. And yet I find that he is getting referrals from a dating service. Why is he doing this? I really loved him. I am still in shock. Should I say that I know about it? Or just throw him out? I am so devastated. I don't know what to do.

I took all his clothes out of the closet and threw them on the couch. I want to just throw him out. It hurts, it hurts....

Ask him about it - unlikely, but it could be innocent, somehow.
Not having a discussion would be a mistake, imo.

How did you know he was getting referrals btw?

Tell him you know and ask him why he did it. It could all be a misunderstanding.

More relationships have failed due to lack of communication than any other reason.

I don't understand how this could be "innocent?" He freaking paid for a membership. A misunderstanding? Not likely, since he has a profile up on this dating site. He is probably planning to dump me as soon as he meets someone else. I curse the day I was born an Aspie so that people can s**t on me and I remain clueless until the facts hit me over the head like this!

I know it's unlikely, but how is not talking about it first going to help anything?
If it's what you expect, by all means chuck him out.

I didn't mean that I am not going to talk to him. I was disagreeing with the statement that it might be innocent somehow. This looks planned. I am not even sure what to say to him. I don't understand why he says that he loves me, and then looks for other women. I am genuinely confused and hurt.

It doesn't make sense to me either.
I'd be crazy angry if I found that out about my boyfriend.


How did you find out about it?

I got suspicious and went into his email. Throughout this whole time in the relationship, I have treated him as trustworthy. But his reaction to something I said the other day raised a red flag.

He must be stupid as well if he did all that and didn't change his e-mail password.

You are certainly far from being alone there, and I know that devastating feeling well ... and it is not your fault that he has done whatever he has done.

Well, he doesn't know that I have his password. That is how I found this out. I only wonder why he bothered to list me as his relationship on FB if he is looking for someone else.

Thats awful.

*big hugs*

I hope it turns out to be a misunderstanding. Try and talk to him about it to at least find out why he did it so you dont end up ruminateing on it. Do 'pillow beating' to get your anger out and make sure you dont turn the anger on yourself. I know nothing will help the pain right now but try and do some nice things for yourself. Im so sorry, I hope you feel better soon or things turn out ok.

At first, I thought it was just one of those spam ads that tell you that some woman or guy wants to meet you, and then you click on it and it is an ad for joining a dating service. But when I clicked on it, it showed that he has a full account and that he paid for it too. So I don't think it is a misunderstanding. I only wish it were.

Last edited by hartzofspace on 24 Feb 2011, 6:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't really imagine an innocent reason for this.

The smart thing to do before you confront him is to check your bank statements, phone bills and everything else for unusual activity before you confront him. If he's up to more, he might wipe any other evidence of trouble once he knows you are on the trail and then downplay the initial act as a mistake.

The husband of my gf's friend was recently caught doing this and it turned into a rabbit hole of revelations. He was visiting women in half a dozen states.

Look how far back the emails from that website have been coming in.

You need to consider the possibility that he had joined a dating site a while back and either forgot to cancel it -or- it is canceled and the website keeps sending 'you have matches' emails designed to try to get clients back into paying status (all online dating sites do this).

I agree...if you can click on those links and have access to his account, I'd check his enrollment date, and then go from there.