i've just been told my father died.

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long story short - my father is a violent drunk, who i haven't seen for years as he abandoned me after my mother died when i was five.
i called him up today to ask him something about the past and the person who answered told me he died a few weeks ago (she was his girlfriend or something).

i don't love the man, or know him but.. i don't know i feel weird about it.

i'm not sure why i posted, just my boyfriend isn't here and i can't just say nothing about it. so writing it down might help, i don't know.

shouldn't i be upset at the very least?

Whatever you feel you feel. I haven't been in that situation so I don't exactly relate. My uncle killed himself last month. I did not cry, though I may have wanted to. We weren't close. However, it does feel weird. It does. Maybe it's not the same weirdness that you feel. :/

First off I am sorry for the death of your dad. I would probably have mixed feelings if I was in your situation. He was your father but the way he treated you was awful. Abandoning a child is so wrong. I had a great uncle who abandoned his own son.
Christians may tell you to forgive your dad for the pain he caused you. Let him be at peace. But in this case I think it's hard. My great uncle has long since gone but I'm sure he caused his wife, son and grandchildren pain. I did talk to one his grand children not too long ago and she told me that her grandfather (my great uncle) hardly ever contacted her.

It's like I don't want to give him the satisfaction of hurting me again.

No one would blame you if you're feeling indifferent, don't even blame yourself.

I should surely be horribly upset?
I mean, he is my dad.
Was my dad, whatever.

This.

Might be a different story but My father is adopted. Yet he has no intentions of finding who his real parents are, if anything my mom wants to know more (and does know more). When I heard him talk to his friends about it he said its because while they are his birthparents he knows he was better off without them, they would have kept him down. So he has no need to find out about something he never cared of. Now his adoption parents he does care about because the gave him a better life.

What im trying to say is that It doesnt matter if he is your father or not. Your feelings should matter by your relationship to him.

Parental connection is not genetic,it's only by parenting that it's forged, if that connection doesn't exist between you and him then it just doesn't exist.
So no.... you shouldn't feel horribly upset.

Okay.

Feel whatever you want. I'd probably be more interested in mourning the relationship that wasn't than the man that was. Whatever you feel, I wish you speedy integration of those feelings and a smooth return to psychological health.

Last edited by Moog on 24 Feb 2011, 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with Moog- don't worry about what you feel. Everyone grieves differently, if at all.

i can't say im sorry for your loss seeing what he did to you. i know this sounds cold but do check into any estate/inheritance as quickly as you can as many countries only give you like a month to do the paperwork or the state gets it all. It almost happened to my aunt when my uncle died.

Hi emlion. I agree, whatever you're feeling is valid and makes sense as the sum of whatever your relationship with your dad was.

It must have been really a shock to call him up expecting to be able to talk to your same alive-as-ever father and to hear that he's not even in the world anymore. That leaves so much unresolved, and it sounds like you were looking for a piece of something from the past to reach more resolution when you called him.

However you feel, I'm sorry this has happened, and that includes the fact that your relationship with him was never good. Seems like someone in your position would have to mourn the fact that he was never the father you should have been able to have in the first place, if they were going to mourn the absence of that absence. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, you're in my thoughts! (really, even though this is the internet, you are)

he had nothing.
well apart from his dole money and alcohol.

family is family.

it still hurts.

my dad has been in prison since i was around 5 years old. i am 40 now.

you still need to mourn.

i am sorry about your mom being gone at such an early age.

who has been taking care of you, grandparents?

nah. shunted from care homes to the street, to shacking up with men for any price.