I need help

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Hello. My name is John Everyman. I'm a young male adult in my mid twenties. I'm in good physical health despite frequent drinking, smoking, and drug use. I'm in average physical shape and my appearance could be described as ,"Not attractive, but not ugly." I have Aspergers Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and I struggle everyday with depression. I've been hospitalized in psychiatric wards when I wasn't able to cope with life several times before and, I'm ashamed to say, one time for an attempted suicide attempt. I work full time at a dead end job and my life is going nowhere. I have no education, no friends outside of work, and none of whom I am close with. My personality can be largely described as 'inappropriate, unrelenting, and having interpersonal issues.' I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else (though only a handful know how messed up I am), and it's hard to escape the negative preconceptions that have been formed around me. Every time I try to behave in a more socially acceptable manner, people around me get nervous and scared and start asking me what's wrong. I eventually have to relapse into my emotionally immature shell for the sake of keeping those around me comfortable. The few times other people make time for me, usually out of pity I imagine, they frequently bail at the last second, and I just recently found out that one of the only friends I had from school, who I helped out emotionally and financially in his times of crisis, has been avoiding me simply because he owes me a small amount of money. The amount is so small, I don't even believe it to be the real reason, I think it's just a more convenient excuse than whatever else he could think of.

I'm getting to the end of my rope. Every night I drink and get high until I pass out, just to keep me content enough that I don't make another attempt at suicide. Every night it gets tougher and tougher to not think about the next day, passing my idle time alone until I can go to work, where I get the only validation I've ever received in my life in the form of glowing praise from my immediate supervisor for my adequate professional skills, then going back home at night to drink and get high again to make it through the next night. I seriously consider suicide at least once a week, but I have no one to talk to, my family hates me for ending up as such a failure, and I don't want to go back to the psych ward, I'd rather end up dead. Is there any help? Advice? This isn't where I saw my life ending up, and I don't know how to handle it anymore, not when it just keeps getting worse.

John:

If you do indeed have borderline personality disorder, then the nature of your post may be expressing the low self worth/self loathing aspect of the disorder.

Perhaps you can reign in some control over the BPD if you acknowledge that the extent to which you feel your emotions is an aspect of the disorder, and the situation probably is only 1/10th what it seems to be at the particular time, and your strong emotions on that particular matter will eventually subside and you will have a better perception of the situation.

During these hyper emotional states, you should probably refrain from passing judgement on yourself or anyone else, and remind yourself that from any given point in time, there are multiple paths that can be taken from it.

I have a relative with BPD, who has had some degree of success using such techniques. When he feels something is a crises, he tells himself it's probably the BPD and redirects his attention to watching TV until he is a little calmer and then fuller consider the context and the facts of the situation. If he finds himself thinking someone is the best person in the world, he reminds himself that they probably have plenty of flaws just like everyone else. If he finds himself feeling that a friend who has wronged him is no good, then he reminds himself of all the good things the friend did, and why that person was a friend in the first place, before he judges them.

Controlling BPD is about being vigilant that even if your emotions may be valid, the magnitude of them is probably much greater than that of most people.

So go for a walk, or watch TV, accept you are not perfect and also accept that that's ok, and in a few days, things might seem a little brighter and then we will talk about AS and some things that might help with that.

Look im telling you read some Jiddu Krishnamurti, but not as an answer to your depression. He has alot of videos on youtube so go check them out. If you actual study his works and dialouges or whatever you can learn alot about yourself