I want to fall asleep...

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...and never wake up. Just drift off and cease what is this horrible lonely depressed wretched existence. I just want to disappear.

My life just seems like an inconsequential blur of bad memories and a rough depressed childhood. Yet I can't really even begin to explain it. Was I traumatized? I can't think of 1 major thing like an NT who says a parent died when they were young or they were sexually abused. Maybe just by my thousands of dumb mistakes and s**t memories, and my loneliness, and all of the stupid cringing actions that I am still adding to today.

I just really can't explain my life, because it doesn't make sense. I think it makes sense as to why it doesn't make sense, if I realize that I have bad anxiety, depression, paranoia. But I have always known I was different, since I was a kid, and it has never ever been something that I could have explained....Not then and not even to this day, and that is why I was always an inward person. All of my emotions stayed inward.

In the past few years I have tried talking to a few therapists, but I still can't really convey how I feel. I just can't do it. I can say I have anxiety and depression, but where do they come from is something that I can't verbalize in words. I got the feeling that those counselors still really had no clue who I was.

But now I am 23, college dropout, I live in a garage by campus. I have zero social life, I feel completely avoid-ant and unapproachable in public, even though I want to feel confident outgoing. When I wake up fatigued and I feel like s**t I just don't have that enormous energy to socialize. I keep shifting feeling between slightly-confident, to completely depressed and bitter,

I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life, zero polarity.....its a really f*****g scaring feeling. My life feels like a non-violent nightmare. There is this giant world full of exciting people and events, and yet Im stuck in a tiny prison cell inside my mind, and that confines me from ever leaving the house if I can help it.

I need help. but im not so sure that anyone can actually give me help. Therapists from my experience couldnt even begin to understand, my parents have never had a fucken clue, I DONT KNOW where I have to go or what I have to do.........nothing makes any sense....AND THATS f*****g SCARY

You're describing much of my life in the past. I often wondered if anything had happened that I had blocked out. It was the only thing that seemed to make sense. Like you, I only wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I started drinking to self medicate and developed a serious dependency that created a vicious cycle of self hatred; a desire for oblivion followed by disgust at my lack of control. I think people don't realize how hard it is for a depressed person even to seek help. I think my mother had to make the appointment for me and I was 35. Being on meds really helped but the real change towards true contentment came when I was able to stop drinking.
I think you don't need a therapist so much as you need to see a doctor. Depression of the sort you're describing is a serious medical condition. I think most competent therapists think therapy is a waste of time if someone is too depressed to participate fully. Have you tried meds?

Hey lightening020! I think I can honestly say that I know what you're going thru.. I'm also 23, been diagnosed with depression, social phobia and dyslexia (least of my worries). I know how it feels to talk to a psychiatrist knowing that he just doesn't get it. One of my problems is the difficulty to communicate (ironically, I'm a communications major at one of the top schools in Europe) which surely does impact those whom I try to make contact with. I just can't express myself.

Thought about suicide, made some attempts, none of which have worked (as you can see). I started numbing myself with virtually anything, from booze to meds on a regular basis. It might be my addictions speaking, it might be my mental condition but there's one thing I know for sure and it's that I've felt socially paralyzed ever since I recall. I feel horribly bad for my friends to know such a loser and a walking let-down as me. I can't even keep my word to meet up with them.

Anyways, You're not the only one suffering. I know it's so f-ing hard sometimes, but we've got to keep on fighting. Maybe tomorrow there will be a different, better light?

All the best to you from Warsaw, Poland!
Jedrek

BTW, I came here out of curiosity and after reading your post I decided to create an account and reply to it

Meds work differently for each of us. Seems like they worked for Aimless. I took Lexapro 10mg for over a year and didn't feel any change. What's worse, getting off of it was hard. It seriously messed with my head...

I believe that sorting your life out is the first big step before deciding to take meds. Those won't just do it for you.

Wish you all the best!

I think too many people give up too quickly if meds don't seem to help. Sometimes they need to try something else or sometimes just adjust the dosage.

Thanks for the advice and welcome to the board Jedrek! Glad to you and Aimless can relate

I tried some paxil knockoff a few years ago for a couple of months, but I didn't notice anything. Maybe I didn't stick with it long enough. I don't know, I just don't feel like that is the way. Alcohol sometimes makes me feel better, but sometimes it makes me feel worse.

My whole life just seems like it has a giant hole in it. High School was a waste. Everything that I should have learned, the experiences I should have gone through, the memories I should have had are completely nonexistent. So it only makes sense how College was a complete waste too. Sure I ;passed a few tests and earned a few credits, but what does that mean if I havent even begun to spread my wings yet?

What am I going to do? Work the rest of my life doing some jobs? Or finish my degree and then work some jobs? For the rest of my life?

U need love.

I felt the same way during my dark years, but I pulled through and made myself happy in the end. Perhaps there's a hotline that you can call.