Don't want to be close to anyone including family.

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I can't take it anymore......if only I could not be close to them anymore. They don't truly understand me anyways....no one seems to truly understand me. I don't even understand myself sometimes. Also I feel really akward when people express affection towards me like if people try and hug me or touch me in general I just get all stiff and try to avoid it. I don't want to nessisarly ignore anyone I just don't want to feel so much emotional attatchment.

Especially when it comes to my mom, she can't seem to get it through her mind that I am not 'proud' of having aspergers and I have no desire to overcome the depression and anxiety to make something impressive of myself.....I just want to be able to have my own place to live and be left alone......unless I choose to be around people. If I let people in they find ways of making me feel aboslutely terrible even if it is not their intention. So maybe a wall around myself is not such a bad idea.

This why I prefer to hang with friends who understand me & recognize my need for space rather than family.

This brings up another problem, how do I break it to my family that sometimes being around them all makes me feel more suicidal......I mean its not so bad if I am just hanging out with my brother and my sister, because our lives are going in rather different directions so they aren't quite so imposing. but whenever I go to a family get together or try and hang around my mom and her boyfriend I just want to go in a dark corner and dissapear.

I'm sorry you feel that way about being around your family. My family and I don't get along at all. All of them are too talkative, and care too much about being liked by others. I really don't care much for that at all. I'm like you, I kinda want a place of my own and to be left alone. I hate feeling emotionally attached to them, because I place my trust in them and they disappoint me always by letting me down. You see there is a pecking order in my family and I'm let's say, not very high on the food chain. So I rather be on my own then waste what little emotions I do have on folks who just use me to get what they want.

Was is it about them though that makes you feel suicidal? Is it something that can be changed by you or them?

It seems like you're having mixed feelings, of not being able to cope with isolation and yet still wanting to avoid people in your life. I go through the same thing, and I suppose I have come to the conclusion that I just don't have anyone that understands me or how I really feel. I guess I can overlook those traits my family has, if I knew they truly understood me. But I know they don't, and to be honest I don't know of anyone that will. So I rather be alone, when in essence i just need someone I feel comfortable around. So it's a bit of a paradox and yes avoidance does help, but for me anyway the isolation gets to me after a while and then I break and commit to my family emotionally. After a while I get let down by them again and then want to be alone. Unfortunately the cycle just continues and I can't really find a way to escape it. The only advice I could give is to find someone, anyone who you feel can understand you on some level. This is the hard part, unfortunately.

I know how you feel, Sweetleaf. I feel the same way as you do and I always have. There have only been a couple people in the world I enjoy being around. I can't stand how everyone wants to be my friend and spend time with me. I just want to be left alone, but I can't seem to get rid of them.

sweetleaf - i've read many of your posts and much of what you have to say rly rings true for me. rings true with a tone that not just any bell can produce. pretty sure i know how you feel.

damn....double post

yeah i know how you feel too. i can't be around family members for extended periods of time, especially groups of family members. i usually go stand in the kitchen by myself during family get togethers because sitting in a room listening to them all chat about stupid things makes me want to scream. i am stuck in my parent's house at the moment as well, and I spend my days in my bedroom in the attic.

Well at least I am not the only one.....I guess my only concern is the negative effects psychological effects of lonlieness and isolation. Mostly because I know how my curiousity works and well when weird things happen with my mind I get rather focused on it and rather detatched from everything else.