Afraid of Breaking up

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Yesterday, I had a meltdown because my neighbor was playing loud music again. My boyfriend got impatient with me, and said that he thought I was being selfish. Selfish? I asked in what way I was being selfish? He said that the neighbors had a perfect right to listen to music. I disagreed. I said if anyone was being selfish it was them, for not showing consideration to their neighbors. That I didn't disturb their peace anywhere near how they disturbed mine. I was very upset. He started getting upset too. I actually said that it would be better to die than to have still another battle with inconsiderate neighbors. I was just so frustrated with the whole situation. He got agitated because of what I said, and cursed about it. This frightened me, because I thought he was getting angry at me. Things just got bad after that. He had to leave for work, and I spent the afternoon locked in my bedroom, crying my eyes out. It is bad enough to almost feel suicidal from this stress, and then to have the person who says that they love you, seem to condemn you for being upset.

I can't understand why he would side with those people. They don't need him to defend them, as if I were some kind of monster. I felt small, petty and unloved. When he came over after work, I sent him home. Said I needed some space. I am not sure what to do now. He tells me that he loves me all the time, but this is the third or fourth time that he got upset with me for melting down. It has gotten to the place where if the noise starts, and he is here, I get caught between my agitation at the seeming invasion of my space by their noise, and his response to my agitation. It becomes a double whammy.

I don't want to make a decision about this relationship while this upset, but right now I can't stand the sight of him. I don't know what I am going to do. The neighbors are being noisy again. I have complained to the manager, and he has spoken to them. I don't know why I don't just call the police. But what if they side with the neighbors too? After all, they might not think their music is that loud. Or that they are wrong for filling the house with a crowd of people who keep banging the screen door every time they have to throw away a beer bottle, or slamming the bathroom door every time somebody goes in there. Or smoking so much that I can't open a window, so much that even without opening a window, I am hoarse from it, and I don't smoke. It's no wonder I feel that death would be preferable to this. I am truly in despair, right now.

I am terribly sorry, but I have no idea what I should say. Otherwise, I at the very least hope that in the next few moments someone more knowledgeable than myself can give some better advice.

I can say this: the intense, negative feelings your having right now WILL subside. once the neurochemicals settle, the situation will not seem so dire. The underlying causes, however, need to be addressed. Namely, you and your boyfriend's difficulty grasping each others viewpoints and engaging in positive debate as opposed to blowing up, and your neighbor's inconsiderate behavior. For the former, I would suggest counseling as a couple: a professional can give you both the tools needed to cope. As for the neighbors, i dont have any good advice; my skills at meaningful confrontation are as bad as any Aspie's. Moving may be your best option.

We have discussed couples counseling. His work hours make this nearly impossible. As for moving, we were starting to consider moving in together. Now I am not sure. And the neighbor has only moved into this area last summer. She was fine up until her boyfriend started coming around, and then the excessive noise began. To give credit, I think they are making a better effort to keep the noise down. But I am jumpy as soon as I hear them so much a close a closet door. I could move sure. I have moved a total of 7 times since I came to this town. It has been one noise situation after another. I can't help but feel like its no use, there will just be more noise wherever I go. And that I will have to keep having these confrontations. Unless I get rich and buy myself an island.

I am just filled with despair, now. I don't know what I am going to do.

Maybe play your own radio on loud when they do..

I know the feeling. Once I'm 'tuned in' to noise, it doesn't matter how quiet it is, it still does my head in. I manage usually by trying not to let i get to me in the first place.

Don't worry about the boyfriend. That sounds like it'll blow over soon enough.

Sometimes I try to play my radio loud, but all it does is drive me crazy because the two styles mix together and sound like chaos. Anyway, it has started to blow over with me and my boyfriend. Since we are both on the spectrum, we melted down at the same time. We are going to try couples counseling.

Im totally losing it right now also in my relationship or whatever it is, whatever it is it has been ongoing for 5 years im being abused emotionally every other day and allowing it to happen for what reason i have no idea. i have just recently been diagnosed as aspergers and now i realize why ive been in my own world all my life and i have no social skills or confidence in myself. so if i walk away from this relationship that has never been a relationship its just been me the doormat. if i walk away than i figure i dont have the skills to distract myself from the pain, how can i even approach someone else when i havent tht e skill to do so and on top of that i project others as being against me and i interpret myself as inferior and different-use maybe this is because ive been stepped all over my entire life for being different, now i know the doc told me im aspergers-that doesnt help i still feel the same and i want to be drunk even more know. i figure a dfiagnosis like that means im preety much hopeless and im going to be stuck in the same situations im in right now, what a miserable existence.me and her have a kid and she couldnt take care of our kid with me sa

Maybe you should start a separate topic? Then people could give you helpful feedback, and without hijacking this thread. I see you're new here - Welcome to Wrong Planet! I hope you find some answers here. I have been posting here for 6 years.

hartzofspace,
I know on this forum we are supposed to support each other but I think you are being a drama queen.

If your neighbors are bothering you then why don't YOU go and talk to them?
What do you expect him to do? Beat them up?

To take out your frustrations on your boyfriend is just unfair.

I notice that you preface this sentence with "I know on this forum we are supposed to support each other..." followed by an insult. If you know better, why do it?
I am far from being a drama queen. I do not like attracting attention in a dramatic way. I am very quiet, and have dealt with noisy neighbors before in a polite, respectful way with good results. Do you think calling me names is supportive? You don't know me, you only know of the problem that I have posted here. I am looking for support, not criticism. I can criticize myself with no help at all.

I have spoken to these people several times, and then I asked the landlord to, which he did. My boyfriend offered to speak for me on one occasion, because I was too upset at that point to speak calmly. I usually have no problem speaking for myself.


Neither my boyfriend nor I feel that I took out my frustrations on him. We handled this in a mature way by taking some time away from each other until we had regrouped. What I did was melt down; Aspies tend to do that. My boyfriend, upset at my meltdown, did the same. Unfortunately people like you call it by other names, to justify unfair attacks and name calling.

If you have any other nonconstructive criticism, I must ask that you to keep it to yourself.

Ugh, girl opposite me in the library today was chewing on an apple. Of all the foods you have to sneak in, why pick the crunchiest, noisiest one you can find? Took her half an hour to eat it too, because she was trying not to get caught...

I find, the more you expect silence, the more irritating it is when you don't get it. Maybe try and change your mind set; accept that these people are noisy morons who cannot keep quiet and it's nothing personal or disrespectful, it's just them... it won't stop them being noisy, but it might help you not to get affected by it..