I just dont know anymore...

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I have been posting on this forum for the past 5 years trying to get help and answers. I stopped coming here because i didnt feel like any of you were helping me before you guys ask you can look at my past posts to see. I dont even know where to begin but i basically have had asperger syndrome my whole life and it has wrecked and ruined my life physically and mentally. And im under a constant state of stress. I drink alcohol and smoke weed to calm down. and it seems to help to a degree. im 26 years old and im still a virgin and im very pissed off and angry about it. Ive tried so hard to get a woman to give it up to me just to get it all out. I cant even find a one night stand and i used to work in a bar. and hang out in bars regularly before. Only time i nearly got laid was when this drunk b***h kept trying to unzip my pants on the dance floor after i had bought her an adios drink. and she kept kissing me and licking me i came in my pants right there and then She got kicked out of the bar for being drunk in public. Only reason i didnt attempt to sleep with her even though i was so tempted and ready to have sex with her i suddenly had a feeling i realized she was drunk and innocent and if i had f****d her it would be the same as if i raped her. And i didnt want to live with that feeling and concisous of having raped someone because having sex with a drunk person is the same as rape more or less in my book. I thought about getting prostitutes but its illegal in california. I just wish i could find someone to help me live out my fantasies and relieve my stress i dont care if its an older woman. I have a lot of friends with aspergers as well but they are all gay guys. Another thing that stresses me out so much is for the past couple years ive had to take care of my mother she had a stroke while having a quadroople bypass surgery and is now disabled and cant speak and is partially paralyzed ive had to take care of all her paper work legal stuff and forms and she has a lot of problems because she cant speak she gets very frustrated and gets these tantrums and starts yelling and screaming and crying even. Which is understandable. Plus before her surgery before she became disabled i was pretty much at the end of my rope i had been planning on commiting suicide i overdosed on alcohol several times and blacked out and ended up in the hospital a few times i didnt want to live anymore because of my aspergers and the fact that i was and am sexually frustrated. I wanted so desperately to end my life. You have no idea what its like when the world looks down on you and puts you down for something you didnt choose. I didnt choose to have asperger syndrome. You can call me emo if you will but my hearts broken and im hurt and it pisses me off that nobody will help me i also believe with everything thats going on in the news that its indeed the end of the world and that everybody will die and that actually puts a smile on my face because i hate society for what its done to me. It has shitted pissed on and disrespected me time and time again through out my life. I could have very well have been one of those columbine kids or virginia tech kids with the way i was picked on by others. Believe me ive been to counslors and therapists you know what they say to me? get off your lazy ass and get a job then you can get laid. Ive been 5150ed over and over again ive been through it all theres nothing in this universe that f*****g scares me not god not the devil not anything. But i do believe this is teh end for all of us. The only thing that would give me joy and pleasure this moment is if i could get some mother f*****g p****. and win a lotto ticket. When i was a kid i was the stereo typical asperger kid that only played with toys and could not stand loud nosies and was socially awkward amongst his peers. I was just like the boy in mercury rising. Not everybody with asperger syndrome has the same aspiration and talents for example i f*****g hate math and numbers. and i hate school in general. Oh and im technically not a virgin eventhough id like to think i am because i was sexually molsted and abused by my father and his girlfriend when i was only 7 years old. But ive wanted to have sex with a woman since 1996 and have not been successful its been 15 years that ive been looking for a woman.

I don't know whether there is anything I or anyone else can say to change your outlook on life. It's difficult for me to imagine being in a state of mind like you are describing when someone begins to contemplate suicide. Even as a virgin who has no friends and has never had a girlfriend, if there is one thing I am good at it's being happy. I believe that if you do take these suggestions to heart you may truly be happy even if you do not have the life you have always hoped for.

Don't worry so much about losing your virginity, just enjoy what you have in your imagination and your own body. This may sound stupid to you but I forget that it's less real in my imagination. I just keep telling myself that I do have all these experiences with women and soon I start to almost believe it. This goes for everything, just forget about the standards of everyone one else for what qualifies as a meaningful existence. If you like alcohol then enjoy it and look forward to it. Focus on what you do have to enjoy and treasure it completely. Don't belittle any of life's pleasures.