Hi, everyone. I need some help. It just seems things continue to get worse. I really just can't catch a break. I try really hard and I know the saying of "make your own luck" but I have just continued to somehow get bad luck everytime. I don't know what to do anymore, everything I lack is building up and stressing me out, my mother is only making it worse, and I'm at the end of my rope.
The main problem is that I'm 19 and don't have a job...now I can tell you right now it's not because a lack of trying. I honestly never seen any catch more bad breaks than me. I mentioned in an earlier post that a friend of mine got a job at Office Max. He struggled just as long as I had and he had some inside help as his neighbor worked there. He tried to help me and I had an interview and second interview. He told me that usually the second interview is a good sign. Well after my second interview I continued to call and stay in contact with the interviewers. At my interview I was told that they were hiring 1 more person and after my friend talked to the interviewer (hr manager) and he said that I was the top consideration and was going to be called to hire when corp. payroll would allow the new job.
Now what happened...my friend asked for me and the hr manager said he wasn't sure yet. The next Monday, my friend noticed a new worker there...it was a 20-yr old who used to work at that location but moved a couple hours away and continued to work at Office Max. He then moved back and was relocated at my location taking the spot I was supposed to have.
Now this is just 1 example, but this has been happening time after time for just over a year now. My mom is only making it worse. She and my whole family thinks I'm a dissapointment, I have no ambition, no motivation. My mother yells at me everytime I try to have a little fun (playing video games, hanging out with friends). Now the thing is I'm actively on the hunt for a job, I wouldn't say every single day but very often. My mom says all her friends, and my uncle say "Why doesn't he have a job yet?" "Does he have a problem." My mom listens, especially to her one friend that always tries to one-up her bragging about her older kids, who are both arrogant jerks. My mom listens and then uses those words against me, saying I'm ret*d and I have a problem, she then mentions how I have no girlfriend, and one day claimed I was gay (now I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but I am not simply not one)...Now that one specific instance set me into a rage as I slammed the remote to the ground and left with my iPod, walking about 4 miles away to a spot that I find peaceful.
The rage seems to happen when my mom starts her tirade, she then says I should be locked up in an aslyum cause I have a mental problem, etc...
I'm just sick of it, I try very hard to do my best but nothing ever satisfies her. I currently go to college and have a 3.7 GPA. That constitutes her saying "your gonna go there for 4 years for NOTHING"
Anyway besides that my second major problem is my self-esteem/confidence/ability to talk to girls. I had a rough time in high school, being picked on, staying shy, and never asking anyone to the ball. I honestly have never had the practice and don't know how to start a conversation with a girl. I want to ask many girls for there number but I can't do it. I can be very friendly with girls and can talk if there is a common subject (I would talk to girls in my class about the class) but besides asking what they wanna do, I can't seem to figure out how to talk more personally. That's what has prevented me from asking about 5 girls that I really think I had a chance with in my 2 years at college. I just still haven't figured out how to talk to people. Not only with girls but guys as well. I don't know how to start a conversation, definitely don't know how to greet a girl or flirt and I need to figure it out. I'm 19 and I've never been kissed, forget about sex, not even kissed. I've never been loved, never had a girl like me and want to spend time with me.
I do have friends, a few very close friends but I still feel lonely. I often isolate myself and listen to music and just try to forget about everything. The problem is my mom makes not of my coping technique, saying things like..."There he goes, into the dungeon." and "Back downstairs, where else," etc...
I just want something to go right for me, I put myself in good positions all the time but I either back out or an unexpected twist happens and turns everything upside down.
I'm really losing it, is it sad that I have feelings of actually wanting to be paralyzed or sick so that someone would care about me and be nice to me for once...My mom upsets me a lot and I try to ignore hr but how can you ignore someone who says to you "You're my ruination," and "You're gonna make me die and then you'll be happy."
I need help, the psychaitrist last year didn't help...I'm just barely holding on, and am completely pessimisstic...how do I stay positive anymore, please help.
23 Mar 2011, 1:19 am
