A few months ago I was given a very important task with several components to it. My husband wanted me to wait nearly a year before starting on it when it truly needed to be done. But I could not wait and invested money and hours and a lot of mental time as well as excitement on it. A couple days ago it was taken away without apology or notice that I had already worked on it. I worked on an email that said among many other things: Give me a job or don't give me a job; but don't give me a job and then take it away. And then, as always, I had my husband review the email before sending. (he does the same with me, except when I disagree, he sends it anyway.)
My husband said I was not to send that email because I would hurt the feelings of somebody who was still struggling with a world of hurt. And what was I so upset about anyway? He had told me to wait.
And so once again, my feelings are invalid because they are aspie. I'm not allowed to hurt people. People can hurt me, but I should not express any pain because it is not reasonable. But even with my husband's guidance, I still manage to bollux things so that I would be asked to leave an arts group, a critique group, school, and be fired from work, and not allowed to keep over the grandchildren because I let them misbehave. Because of my growing deafness I had to give up working on one board and contributing to another board.
I asked my husband how come he never stands up for me instead of always telling me where I'm wrong? He said, there you go with the never. I said he was right I should not say never. He said he stands up for me nine times out of ten, and all I seem to remember is the one time he doesn't. Since after much thinking, I can only come up with one time he stood up for me, I must be a total .... I don't know what word to use. Maybe all the complaints are behind my back and he must think they are all valid.
I'm in grief over losing that unpaid job and all the exciting decisions I was making. I'm in more grief that my husband feels a need to explain away my feelings. I'm in more grief that I see a lifelong pattern of failure. I know there are successes, but I can't think of them at the moment. And now I am giving myself a sinus headache from all the crying, just like yesterday. I am feeling hopeless, which is stupid, but I still feel that way. The washer and dryer broke at our wookie's house, and we can't afford to replace them (so the caretaker must use her washer and dryer) and so the wookie bitched at me about that until I started crying loudly. She usually doesn't look at me when I am bathing her and cleaning her house, but after my crying jag she watched me a lot and stopped complaining. (which is done with hand signals and squealing)
I wish I could stop crying about this. I can't get anything done. I feel like I am important to no one. I could give you a list of people I am surely important to, but all I can feel right now is grief and failure and impotence.
28 Mar 2011, 1:20 pm
