16 Apr 2011, 12:08 am
Here's the story: when I was 15 I thought I should do some running around the house after I ate too much of something. In our house we take off our shoes and I was barefoot when I decided to take a quick run up the stairs. My boots were in the way in the foyer and my great left toe trip over them causing a severe bruising. I thought it was nothing so there was no need to tell the family I was hurt. It was still bruise all into the next day and my gym teacher saw it and said it was bad but did nothing else.
The reason why I never told my parents was that they never gave me a reason to trust them. I tell them I've been hurt and they think I'm a whiny baby. Having Asperger's, they always put me down for being weak and not very physical. So being clueless I thought I could adapt and the injury would heal on its own.
But for the past several years it's been getting pretty bad and in recent months I had to come up with my own physical therapy exercises for the big toe because the joint has gotten so uncomfortable and irritating. The toe and most of the long connecting bone curls inward a big not vertically but horizontally. I tried to do online research but knowing the injury that resulted in this I had to come to the conclusion that the toe was broken and is has fused in an odd manner. Our family has never had to deal with broken bones so I wouldn't have known what to do. It's the reason why I can only wear sneakers as any other shoe would be too uncomfortable.
So it seems from recent internet research, that I have Hallux Rigidus which is "stiff joint" from the injury. If I had known this or if my teacher who seen the injury had, I wouldn't be having this problem today and would be better without complex treatment. But now it's obvious that I will need really expensive surgery that my family is not gonna afford due to having only one person in our family who's actually employed and we don't have any health insurance.
I'm sorry. This is more of a Haven-ish rant more than anything else because I know my only option at this point is a $20,000 surgery to fix something that happened 12 years ago and told no one about because my parents have never given me reason to be able to open up to them and trust them with this sort of thing. I told them I may need to see a foot doctor cuz of how weird my foot looks and they agree. When they find out it's a joint deformity developed from untreated injury from a decade ago that I never told them about that's gonna require really expensive surgery (joint removal most likely) and a large scar on my foot, that's when they'll kill me. 
And to do this surgery will mean months lost to recovery that should be spent in me finding a job.
Disturbingly enough, I think I'm better off dead at this point depending on if my life insurance is worth more money than the surgery/credit card debt/possible funeral from suicide combined. The disturbing factor meaning I'm fully aware how similar the situation is to "It's a Wonderful Life" though I haven't earned the respect of any human being to come to my aide. I cost my family more money than I earn anyway.
