Depression and a Cold

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I've had a cold and depression just hit me like a ton of bricks. I'll make it through. It's one of those things, you know. You think a bunch of sh*t, contemplate a bunch of sh*t, then you force yourself to get off your ass and do something, pretty soon pushing those feelings back into the corner of the mind where they belong.

I blame the cold. I always feel like I'm going to die when I get sick or am in pain for anything. It's a trigger of the thanatophobia but even though it's got a name, I still feel like it's a silly overreaction and I hate how real it feels.

My husband doesn't know. I've discussed thanatophobia with him briefly... he was in the class we took in college where we had to write our own eulogies and I couldn't do it... so he's aware but there's only so much crazy that I share with people and I'm not comfortable letting anyone in my real life see a window into this. Especially not when I know it's fleeting. I know it will pass. I have reasonable internal monologue that's contradicting the crazy phobia induced one. And have you ever tried to explain this kind of crazy to someone (who doesn't experience it) and then feel like an absolute fool after you no longer feel that way? Like being vulnerable and sharing that was unnecessary. Now that person thinks something about you that's not even true most of the time.

This is why I'm never suicidal, by the way. Fear of death does well to stop you wishing for it.

How do you think of time? I visualize it. If I can see it on a clock (or imagine it), I can suffer through just about any inane thing that I know only lasts for a set amount of time. A horrible transcontinental flight? I knew that "this time tomorrow" it would all be over. I pictured it on a clock. It was okay then.

Not knowing how long this pity party depression spell will last me, especially when I've got a cold so my sinuses won't clear up nor will my throat stop hurting in the next few minutes (this is here for a few days), makes it harder to visualize the clock. I want help with distraction. I don't want my kids to see me sad. I need that kick in the butt because once I get moving, once I get distracted, once I start putting my focus on something else, I have less room for depression and I can shove it aside.

I feel silly sharing here, knowing this will pass, but I have a hunch some of you can relate. Depression is horrible, phobias have terrible triggers, and feeling the inhibiting shame of Aspergers Syndrome that sets the tone for every other weird thing inside of you. It certainly seems more productive to share this choking feeling here than it does in ten pages of scribbles in a diary that I'll have to destroy so my kids don't accidentally read it.

Do you think part of the depression could be something as simple as sleep deprivation (the cold interfering with quality sleep)?

And also, like you say, that you can't look forward to a definite time when things will be back to normal.

Sleep deprivation is usually a factor in everything since I have insomnia but, oddly, I tend to feel worse the more I sleep. The longer I rested last evening, the worse I felt. So today I've busted my ass cleaning my house. I still don't feel wonderful but I've begun the process of pushing the junk into the back of my mind.

A late morning nap, like 10 or 10:30, sometimes works for me. A late afternoon nap somehow doesn't, and I usually wake up more depression. It almost seems biological, or maybe combined with the belief that the day is squandered away (even though I know from my creative work that sometimes "wasted" time is the most valuable time of all).