I'm feeling sad because I can't make friends

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I've taken a long time away from this website because I was feeling embaressed about some things I posted, and if anybody here still remembers them just know that I really am sorry for it.

Anyways I'm feeling kind of upset because I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me that I can't control. I'm not good at making or keeping friends, somebody I thought was a very close and dear friend is no longer talking to me anymore and the few times he has talked to me he's always just kind of ignored me just to say what he wanted, even when I told him about how my house almost burned down and he didn't even give me any sympathy. I think it's partly because I told him I won't be able to buy him any really expensive presents for his birthday or X-mas (we've always purchased gifts for each other), so now he's mad about that and doesn't have any use for me anymore.

But it's not just him, no matter where I go or what I do I just can't get people to like or understand me. I'm not a very articulant person so I'm not good with words sometimes, and it seems like everybody holds that against me and makes me feel like an outcast, especially on forums. Sometimes it makes me so angry that I snap and say really mean things to people, which of course doesn't work and ends up making me look worst. However it doesn't matter because even when I'm trying to be friendly and polite everyone still seems to be annoyed at everything I say. Even though I have a family that loves me, I feel very lonely because I can't fit in with any social group. I guess it's part of having Asperger's which is why I'm not good at socializing and making friends, but I never realized how hard it would be on me. I even had this problem in school all my life because I never made one single friend, and because I was often bullied I would push everybody away out of anger and distrust. When I first found the internet I thought I finally found a place where I can make friends easily because I heard it often helps Aspies to connect better than real life does, but it just doesn't work for me.

How do other Aspies put up with the lack of social skills and going through life unable to make connections with people? Humans are social animals so it can't be easy, I know it isn't easy for me.

Also another thing I want to add is that I really regret some of the things I've done and thought about in the past. I had a really rough childhood so in order to vent out my anger I've done some really mean things to animals and even other people as a kid. I quit doing it by the time I became an adult and I felt very bad about it and promised I would never do it again, however if there is such a thing as karma then maybe it's punishing me for being a bad person and that's why now I'm so lonely and miserable?

I joined Toastmasters. It helped a lot - I made it my focus for 6 years and REALLY pushed my boundaries. While I still feel the fear and am uncomfortable I just get up there anyway. When it matters (interviews/meetings with clients/etc) I can make myself seem social now.
I still don't have 'true friends' but I have hundreds of acquaintances that are really great people.
JD

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. For what it's worth, I think everybody in the universe shares the burden of pain and the lightness of happiness equally, because all is one. All that divides people/other animals/things are the limits of consciousness. So I don't believe that karmic justice exists on an individual level. If an animal or person is suffering, that is everyone and thing in the universe suffering whether we are able to understand it in our separate forms or not. I'm probably not explaining this well, but my point is, everyone always does the best they can, going toward what is good, and there can be no blame for going toward what is good.

Anyway, get rid of the idea that you're unlikeable! I for one don't know what you write before but it doesn't matter to me, you are obviously a kind and thoughtful and sensitive and universally aware person and all of those things are very likeable. You've only ever done the best you can. How could anyone fault you for that. They'd do exactly the same in the same circumstances.

It might be difficult but he needs to go. You deserve better; he failed your test.



I've done many things that I regretted too. I was bullied, abused, and used by way too many people; it made it hard for me to trust anyone. I pushed everyone away too and worse.. I was VERY ANGRY and I took it out on myself and others. I hurt people and animals out of frustration too. Long term it doesn't work and leaves you feeling empty and alone. I am glad I realized that I could not make people like me by force. I literally beat the heck out of people that picked on me and put some in the hospital in my blind rages. I eventually realized that it didn't make me happier and it didn't make real friends; it made pretenders that I could never trust and it made me someone even I didn't like. Sadly it took falling in love and that person dying suddenly for me finally get the clarity and perspective I needed and it took starting a business and the realization that I just didn't have the skills to deal with people and felt like all hope was lost. That lead me to join Toastmasters and to began a process of change in introspection.

I did all of the things you talk about and probably more. The fact that you regret what you've done means you're not bad. You are not a bad person; you are a frustrated person that has done things in that state of frustration that you regret. By learning from your mistakes you can escape that negative karma. You can't un-do the past; you can only deal with NOW. Let it go and be the person you want to be. People that judge you or persecute you for your flaws are irrelevant; don't give them the energy just rid yourself of them. With the right people you will find being social a lot easier. For me the structured and predictable nature of Toastmasters meetings make it a lot easier and less stressful.
If you can still contact people you've hurt then make an effort to apologize; even if they don't accept your apology you'll feel better.

I have no idea what Toastmasters is, but I'll look it up later.

I think what I feel the most awful about is the fact that I used to torture and kill animals as a kid. I really do feel bad about it every time I remember it, especially since I have 5 dogs and 7 cats now that I love dearly and enjoy helping to take care of. It makes me feel like a hypocrite every time I tell people I don't support things like war or killing because even though I have never killed another human, I have killed poor animals before that didn't deserve it.

I guess that guilt has followed me even in adulthood and I'll never be able to forgive myself for it, but I can try to make up for it by being nicer to animals and never harming them again, and appreciate the fact that they are all living things just like we are.

Also when I said people I hurt, I mostly meant doing sneaky things like stealing personal belongings or breaking something they own. I've never actually physically hurt anybody because I felt I would be unable to get away with it, which I guess is why I took it out on animals and why I developed a bit of a passive-aggressive personality disorder. That's why I'm unable to openly express how I feel to people (at least in real life, on the internet I do OK).

However the attitudes other people have towards me I guess has led me to be extremly cynical and unable to trust others. I think maybe I'm too sensitive and tend to shut people down at the slightest disagreement, but often times when I try to be open and get to know somebody the friendship just never works out for long. It's like they think I'm charming and cool when they first meet me but after awhile they get bored of me because of my obsessive and repetitive interests, or they might get offended because I said something they took the wrong way and instead of letting me know I hurt them so I can apologize they just mask their anger and try to avoid me.

I guess I should be grateful that I at least have a Mom and stepdad who love me. Too many people in this world don't even have one parent who loves them.

Oh I stole things.. from everyone. In one of the most memorable cases my sister and I broke into a neighbor's cabin to steal their food and play their board games. We ripped the screen and my sister hatched this outrageous lie about it that we chased off someone breaking in. I didn't have much of a choice but to go along. I think the owner knew but he chose to teach us a lesson anyway. He gave us each $10 and thanked us for watching his cabin. I still think of 'Gilbo' today even though he is long gone. In another case I stole a neighbor's rabbit because I liked it. I got caught of course and he was really angry and felt betrayed because they were really nice to us. I'm a different person now.

I didn't start to feel 'whole' until I made the decision to stop fighting it and just be an open book since it is my default nature. If I'm upset I make it known in as calm of a manner as I can. My wife is appalled how I talk about things most people would try to keep secret without even flinching but doing otherwise makes me feel too constrained. I don't let things fester ever. I really don't get upset about much anymore because of that.

It's harder for me to be completely open about things like that. I guess it's because everyone thinks of me as a perfect angel who would never do anything wrong and I feel like if people knew about the bad stuff I did to animals as a kid they would never forgive me. I can't really make up for being so cruel to poor helpless animals who did nothing wrong just to vent out my own anger at people who messed my life up. It's just something I feel really bad about and I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

Please don't let yourself be mired in guilt over this. You did the best you could being a good person. Everyone makes mistakes of one kind or another. You can help animals now by volunteering at an animal shelter or something and you'll be giving them a chance they wouldn't otherwise have. They're not the same animals, no, but what I was trying to say earlier was that they are part of the same universal being and you could (like I do), if it helps you, think of them as the same animals you encountered earlier in your life, reincarnated, so here is a second chance for you to give them happy lives. Whatever you do don't feel bad about things in the past you can't change. You (and me and everyone) is just an animal too reacting to life circumstances the best they can.

The issues you're describing are extremely common, if not universal, among individuals with ASD.

Sadly we can't control how the world reacts to us being different and trying to make friends is just a lost cause. It's better to learn to enjoy a solitary life than to try and fit in with a hostile world. Go out and do stuff! Even if it's by yourself. You will feel much better than wallowing in misery you don't deserve.

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I feel the same way
Its really tiring that in population of millions and billions we cant have one friend
Many times i have written on my facebook update that im lonely
Lonely in between oceanfull of people....i regret writing that update
and i avoid facebook because i could go on venting....