Wishing things were easier

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Today was one of the more difficult days that I have had in awhile. It was one of those days where everything seems to come to a head. All of my frustrations and worries about my future in a world that isn't even built for me are starting to boil over. Everyday I try to have a great attitude and put on smiley face but it is becoming harder and harder.

The hardest thing is looking around me and seeing people with the things that I want. Romantic relationships, great friendships that they enjoy. I struggle to maintain the friends that I have and a romantic relationship is just an entire different animal altogether. For once I would like to go to a social gathering where I didn't struggle to find my place or something to talk about. I just want to feel at ease and confident but it never seems to be the case as I struggle with social anxiety.

All I want is to be on an even playing field for one day to see what it was like. I want one day that I can see what it is like to not have to try twice as hard as most and get good results.

The worst feeling in the world is thinking that you have made great strides socially only to get into a situation that confirms that you really haven't made that much progress or you have so much further to go. I guess I just have to move on like everyone else. Things could be much worse I suppose but that doesn't seem to make me feel better most of the time.

People always say that you need others and that people are meant to be with other people. The world is something that you can't take on all by yourself and yet I have the very thing that can prevent someone from having the greatest of human needs.

It frustrates me and worries me that I could be alone for the majority of my days and that I will look back and have big time regrets. This is just so frustrating and disheartening.

It sounds like you're really trying, so kudos for that. Be proud of the progress you've made, and the progress you're making.