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KevinLA
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02 May 2011, 8:23 pm

We have a narrow hallway in our home. Barely enough room for two people walking in opposite directions to fit.

I am walking down this hallway. My Aunt who doesn't get American culture is walking towards me.

She likes to sometimes poke me gently joking around. I told her I don't like this.

While she is walking towards me, about 5 feet in front of me she puts her upper torso into my path and then moves it back into her own path. I think that is the simplest way to explain it. She is pretending to she is going to bump into me.

I didn't like it. I raised my voice and told her not to do that and she got angry saying I am overreacting.

Even though she was joking around, it is not even comfortable when someone pretends they might touch you. I think it is a move of aggression.

Was I wrong for raising my voice?



sedjat
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02 May 2011, 8:37 pm

It sounds like she is purposely trying to provoke you, even if it is done playfully. One way of getting her to stop is to refuse to be provoked; don't react to her and refuse to engage in the games that she is playing. For example, if you encounter her in the hall, move to the side or back out of the hall and let her pass through. If she won't pass through the hall until you are in it, just calmly walk away, into another room, for example. If you get into a situation where you can't avoid getting poked, don't respond at all and walk away quickly, but calmly. Think Mr Spock passivity. You can tell her very calmly not to do what she's doing, once, and move away from her, but don't raise your voice. After enough times of not getting a response out of you, she'll lose interest and stop, just have patience and persevere.



wefunction
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02 May 2011, 8:38 pm

Yes.

And her behavior is not oppositional to American culture, just Aspie culture.



KevinLA
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02 May 2011, 8:40 pm

wefunction wrote:
Yes.

And her behavior is not oppositional to American culture, just Aspie culture.


Yes it it wrong to raise my voice or yes she is wrong?

When someone even pretends they are going to bump you, that is a reason to get in a fight.

sedjat wrote:
It sounds like she is purposely trying to provoke you, even if it is done playfully. One way of getting her to stop is to refuse to be provoked; don't react to her and refuse to engage in the games that she is playing. For example, if you encounter her in the hall, move to the side or back out of the hall and let her pass through. If she won't pass through the hall until you are in it, just calmly walk away, into another room, for example. If you get into a situation where you can't avoid getting poked, don't respond at all and walk away quickly, but calmly. Think Mr Spock passivity. You can tell her very calmly not to do what she's doing, once, and move away from her, but don't raise your voice. After enough times of not getting a response out of you, she'll lose interest and stop, just have patience and persevere.


Thank you for the advice, but I am not going to run away from someone like that. This is not a way to deal with people who act aggressively. This is not a situation where I don't like someone disagreeing with me.

I want to know whether she is wrong for doing this. You seem to be saying what she is doing is wrong.



Last edited by KevinLA on 02 May 2011, 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Bloodheart
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02 May 2011, 8:41 pm

I wouldn't say you were wrong in raising your voice, it's understandable.

Maybe you should try to be a bit clearer with her to try to make her understand that this is not funny and makes you feel uncomfortable.

My ex boyfriend had a similar issue with work-mates constantly cuddling him because he was cute and because he helped them out so often, to them they were showing affection and appreciation. He kept telling them not to do it because he had sensory issues and simply didn't like it (as well as being ASD with sensory issues and issues with people in general, he is a rape survivor to boot), but they continued. He shouted at them a lot, surprised he didn't end up killing someone in the end...but they finally got the message, it does take a while to get it through people's heads sometimes, to NT's these things are non-issues so they need to be made to understand these things can bother us.

Sometimes it takes you sitting them down and firmly saying 'I DO NOT LIKE YOU DOING THIS' to get them to realise that it really is an issue for you. Try to deal with it a little more constructively rather than raising your voice - you're not in the wrong, just try to avoid this if you can.


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KevinLA
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02 May 2011, 8:48 pm

Bloodheart wrote:
I wouldn't say you were wrong in raising your voice, it's understandable.

Maybe you should try to be a bit clearer with her to try to make her understand that this is not funny and makes you feel uncomfortable.

My ex boyfriend had a similar issue with work-mates constantly cuddling him because he was cute and because he helped them out so often, to them they were showing affection and appreciation. He kept telling them not to do it because he had sensory issues and simply didn't like it (as well as being ASD with sensory issues and issues with people in general, he is a rape survivor to boot), but they continued. He shouted at them a lot, surprised he didn't end up killing someone in the end...but they finally got the message, it does take a while to get it through people's heads sometimes, to NT's these things are non-issues so they need to be made to understand these things can bother us.

Sometimes it takes you sitting them down and firmly saying 'I DO NOT LIKE YOU DOING THIS' to get them to realise that it really is an issue for you. Try to deal with it a little more constructively rather than raising your voice - you're not in the wrong, just try to avoid this if you can.


I think this is something that would make ANYONE uncomfortable.

I want to know more if what she is doing would be wrong to do to ANYONE. Personally, I think ANYONE (NT or AS) would feel it is an act of aggression and become upset. You don't even pretend you ware going to bump into someone. That is the real question I am asking.



Last edited by KevinLA on 02 May 2011, 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Peko
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02 May 2011, 8:48 pm

When she does this don't even acknowledge her just move silently out of her path.


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wefunction
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02 May 2011, 9:02 pm

KevinLA wrote:
wefunction wrote:
Yes.

And her behavior is not oppositional to American culture, just Aspie culture.


Yes it it wrong to raise my voice or yes she is wrong?


Yes to the questions you asked.

"Should I tolerate this?"

Yes.

"Was I wrong for raising my voice?"

Yes.

KevinLA wrote:
When someone even pretends they are going to bump you, that is a reason to get in a fight.


No, it's not. She's your aunt. You don't fight with your aunt and certainly not when she's trying to play with you. What's wrong with you?

Your responses to people seem to only be looking for validation for you to be offended and become aggressive toward your aunt. Very few people here will actually support you in that desire. People here are trying to support you by being honest and helpful. Nobody wants you to lead yourself down a negative and resentful path, especially so unnecessarily.



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02 May 2011, 9:28 pm

KevinLA wrote:
We have a narrow hallway in our home. Barely enough room for two people walking in opposite directions to fit.

I am walking down this hallway. My Aunt who doesn't get American culture is walking towards me.

She likes to sometimes poke me gently joking around. I told her I don't like this.

While she is walking towards me, about 5 feet in front of me she puts her upper torso into my path and then moves it back into her own path. I think that is the simplest way to explain it. She is pretending to she is going to bump into me.

I didn't like it. I raised my voice and told her not to do that and she got angry saying I am overreacting.

Even though she was joking around, it is not even comfortable when someone pretends they might touch you. I think it is a move of aggression.

Was I wrong for raising my voice?


My mother used to have a horrible compulsion to poke me in the side from behind when my guard was down on occasion. I countered this with threats to touch her hair (she spent about an hour styling it every day).



MountainLaurel
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02 May 2011, 10:32 pm

Quote:
I think this is something that would make ANYONE uncomfortable.

I want to know more if what she is doing would be wrong to do to ANYONE. Personally, I think ANYONE (NT or AS) would feel it is an act of aggression and become upset. You don't even pretend you ware going to bump into someone. That is the real question I am asking.


Yes, I am uncomfortable with such behavior. It's obnoxious; most teasing is. Disclosure; I'm an NT. It sounds to me as if your aunt's social skills are lacking in sensitivity to the reactions of others.

I love Chronos' solution; she found an analogous physical sensitivity in her Mom to exploit for the purpose of demonstration. Effective.



starryeyedvoyager
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03 May 2011, 4:39 am

I have the luxury of not having much of my family live close by. I think you are perfectly at liberty to demand from anyone not to be fooled around with in a fashion you deamed inacceptable. As of raising your voice, I rarely do that, but if I want to make a point clear once and for all, I do that once (since I am both tall and rather large-framed, I know I can be really intimidating if I want to). As for touching me / poking me unexpectedly, all people who know me know that they cannot touch me without asking. I am tense when I am around people to begin with, I have high reflexes and know how to defend myself in a fight. The few people who thought it was funny to sneak up on me and tried to pull some physical prank on me got either grabbed in a joint lock, a choke hold, or were thrown to the ground. Not that I am proud of anything like this, and in training, I have high amounts of self control. It is just that being around other people causes me to be always "on guard", and touching me unexpectedly just triggers my "fight or flight" reflex, and since flight is not an option in a close environment, I automatically switch to fight.

Long story short: If you were to be like me in this regard, I can understand how mad it makes you. Most people cannot relate to that, and your aunt thinking you are overreacting is understandable, but making her clear that it IS a big deal for you, and something you cannot stand at all should be the way to go. If she does not understand that, than she is just self-rightous.