Regrets about being manipulated and not avoiding it

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People with AS are generally passive.

Does anyone else have regrets about being manipulated in the past and not doing something about it?

Last edited by KevinLA on 01 May 2011, 1:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Stop regretting, start forgetting. You can't change the past. Only the future.

My OCD won't allow me to not think about the past.

Yes. I have let people push me around, which I have regretted very much. But I guess constantly thinking "What if??" drives me nuts.

thirded

The worst part is that you can't tell when you are being manipulated. Err!

It's difficult to forget when one has to face the consequences of those manipulations.
And every time you find new ones (new consequences), how can one forget and get over it and move on?

A lot of times, if I can't tell and no harm is done, I don't really care. I think there might be a bigger problem than that.

I've had plenty of years of being bullied and manipulated, and eventually I just learned the only way I knew how to get away from it: just avoid people.

This doesn't always work, of course. But I did exceptionally well in college, all things considered, and I really made a positive go at life afterwards. I'd gotten to the point that the circle of friends valued my opinion and held me in high regard in terms of my leadership ability. I wasn't perfect, but I didn't let things fall apart.

My lack of social skills returned to haunt me after college. I guess I should have known better, but some hard lessons you just have to learn on your own. So now I'm really back to where I was in high school. I do the work I'm supposed to do. I'm self-employed, which means when dealing with people one-on-one the way I do, I'M the one who calls the shots. You don't like it, take your business elsewhere. The customer is NOT always right. But being reclusive is only a reminder that if *I* want to get things done my way, I have to shoulder ALL of the responsibility. That's ok, I can live with that.

What drove me out of public view and working FOR someone was my tendency to go to the opposite extreme. I became determined that I would NOT allow myself to be treated in certain ways. You'd like to think you could put an end to it, but if you don't have the ability to perceive exactly where that line is between just letting someone abuse you and you coming across as a jerk, you're not going to be able to keep a job for very long. Allow me to do the work on my own and leave me alone. I don't care if you notice me or not. Just stay out of the way. The less we have to say to each other, the more we'll get along.

I feel like I've been manipulated my whole life from the people I thought were my friends. I've endured the worst manipulation by my friends in college. Pretty much everything has always been portrayed as being my fault and if I get hurt by people it's because I deserved it and nobody's cares about my feelings, so it's okay for them to treat me the way they do.

Most definitely.

If fact-- tomorrow I have to appear at a hearing at the department of industrial relations as a result of a wage claim I made with my last "employer"-- Linda Blair's (yes, the Hollywood one) Linda blair Worldheart Foundation. I allowed her to "withhold my wages for the time being" which amounted to approximately 6 months due to her financial problems. When the time came to pay up, my response from her was "I'm not paying you". I can shrug off a couple hundred dollars as a lesson learned in trusting people. Being an excess of twenty three thousand dollars, well, I can not just "let it go". There is and will continue to be a lot of "he says, she says" tomorrow, but I guess fortunately due to my "condition"-- I've read, reread, studied, and logically evaluated California's labor laws and every possible scenario that could be brought up. In her response to my initial claim, she stated I was never an employee but just a volunteer. I am of "unsound mind" and a danger to the general public. She has even gone as far as having a private investigator to harass and intimidate me. However-- while our initial pay agreement was "under the table"-- she paid me in checks drawn off the foundation's account which in turn leaves a paper trail proving actual financial compensation for my labors. She counter stated that she's "given him a few checks to cash and buy supplies for the foundation", which is total rubbish as she will be incapable of providing receipts for said materials which obviously don't exist. She CLAIMS that she has ZERO employees but even a brief review of the account activity will prove that she in fact has multiple people who regularly receive checks weekly. again, if she tires to say those checks are for supplies, there is no factual proof verifying this. She has tried to persuade me into believing into the past that our earnings aren't "paychecks" but "financial compensation for expenses in exchange for volunteering". I'm sorry, but isn't that what a "JOB" is????? (minus the word "volunteer" and substituting for "services rendered".....) She has even gone as far as submitting a fabricated "letter" typed up as being from me and stating I wanted to work for her for free. WTF?! !!?! fortunately I have researched that and I found this in the current California labor code:


1194. (a) Notwithstanding any agreement to work for a lesser wage,
any employee receiving less than the legal minimum wage or the legal
overtime compensation applicable to the employee is entitled to
recover in a civil action the unpaid balance of the full amount of
this minimum wage or overtime compensation, including interest
thereon, reasonable attorney's fees, and costs of suit.
(b) The amendments made to this section by Chapter 825 of the
Statutes of 1991 shall apply only to civil actions commenced on or
after January 1, 1992.

**notwithstanding** clause defined as "despite" in merriam-webster online dictionary

Basically that is stating that if I was performing a service for a set wage (ten bucks an hour, quite fair), it is ILLEGAL for her to pay me NO LESS than minimum wage (eight bucks an hour here in California), even if we both agree to the lesser wage. Working for free is DEFINITELY less than minimum wage! So that eliminates the dispute of the fabricated "letter" which she can't prove I wrote, but at the same time, I can't prove I DIDN'T write (it's typed but not physically signed, and I DO have a habit of physically signing my letters I write-- handwritten AND typed up. My signature is one of my signature traits, but this means nothing to the courts.).

I've been threatened with lawsuits and charges of slander and defamation of character over this wage claim and an article that was published in the tabloid "The Globe" as a result of an interview I had-- stemming from her lack of integrity. In my own defense-- What was published in the article is not exactly what I said in the interview. Tabloids tend to twist the truth, obviously.

I am hoping she realizes that it is in her best interest to settle this matter-- and quickly-- as if this goes to formal court process she will be discovered to be committing tax fraud, workers compensation fraud, social security fraud...... many many crimes which will result in, for lack of a better description, destroying the life she has. I am NOT trying to retaliate against her, I only want to get what I am owed. however, I am sick of having to fight for what is rightfully mine and to be honest, the stress and anxiety having to deal with all this rubbish is almost unbearable. That in it's self is cause for a civil suit for emotional (as well as financial) distress. But that is not my agenda....

She stated in her response that I am extremely intelligent (duh), I don't understand WHY she is so persistent in denying my claim as in the end, it is only going to cost her more in the long run. And with that statement of her acknowledging that I am above average in the brains department, wouldn't it only be logical reasoning that I would not be pursuing the claim unless I had the grounds to back it up?
Tomorrow I will make her a most generous offer-- she pays me fifteen thousand dollars and I disappear-- I sign a confidentiality agreement and she never hears my name again. If she continues to contest my claim, I will be willing to accept nothing less than the full amount I am owed, including the waiting time penalties I am entitled to, and I will not sign a confidentiality agreement. With her being a celebrity, I fully realize that my story has the potential of being published (again). I hope it doesn't come across as a threat but honestly I am DONE with being taken advantage of. Part of the reason my family is destitute is due to employers taking advantage of my gullibility. I want this over and behind me and I am CERTAIN she does too.
I made another "chess move" recently-- I filed for and had served a subpoena demanding her to produce her financial records and schedule information for the duration of my disputed "employment" which will verify the legitimacy of my claim. One thing that bothers me with this though, is my request for the subpoena stated "records and account information relating to checking account **** ** **** ****" and the subpoena stated "all payroll records and scheduling information". The fact that she claims she does not have employees therefore no payroll records MIGHT be a hold up, but fortunately the laws regulating 501(c)3 nonprofit organizations state that all financial records of stated organizations are a matter of public record. So..... in the end she can't claim that the information is private or confidential. But I am hoping that the hearing officer can put two and two together on this-- I produced checks written to me which has the account number on them, giving probable cause to assume that is the "payroll account". As for her scheduling information, well, I KNOW that won't be produced (which will bring charges of not keeping proper documentation of her business as regulated by state and federal law). Our "time sheets" consisted of us writing our hours on a sheet of paper which she usually just tossed on her kitchen counter. While I was employed there, I did a pretty good job of organizing her chaos and filing all the paper scraps in a folder in the filing cabinets, but I am almost positive these documents have been destroyed or otherwise disposed of by now. NOT my problem..... It is not the burden of employees to regulate an employers ethical business practices. OR to ensure that the employer properly files their taxes..... Employees are only responsible for doing their work, and if necessary, reporting employers for failure to comply to the law.
I guess it can be said that it is not a good idea for an employer to take advantage of Aspies who are capable of reading law books and documentation, and understanding all the legal jargon!

If any of you think I may be missing something here on this situation, or I might be completely off with my process of rationalization, please let me know!

No, I don't regret it because it made me stronger.

I have for a long tine had problems being manipulated or taken advantage of but I [believe, at least] have started getting the hang of recognising it now, albeit through having been through some uncomfortable experiences and attempts of studying psychology. Though a lot of what I study I do not understand or have trouble relating to at the time, sometimes I can recognise things - often way after the event though. This event feels like a breakthrough for me:

A person I knew from school telephoned me. I had been extremely stressed and depressed, only recently having stopped taking SSRIs. I told him that I had problems asserting myself. He asked to come round to see me and maybe bring a dvd round to watch. I thought he was being supportive and that he might turn up with an animated film or something. He came round and I sat through a feature known as 'The Secret', it is not a movie or a cartoon or anything like that. It is marketed as a self-help tool, the values it espouses are that if you want something enough, you will receive that thing. Not by any physical effort on your part, but just because if you want something hard enough the Universe( or the person you visited under the pretence of support) will provide it for you. As it happened my friend really wanted my laptop. The whole event was like a presentation on why I should relinquish it to him. He also told me anecdotes of the great generosity others had shown him in giving and lending things to him, highlighting a Christian he knew who had given him the cash to buy a car. I just ignored him until he eventually left.

He always seemed benign and friendly to me, but it seems that people who come across well are actually most likely to not have the best interests of others at heart.

I feel I should highlight that I told this person I had trouble asserting myself. I think for an NT asserting one's self might mean something different from others, but I interpret that what I said was a trigger for this person to attempt to manipulate me. Therefore, I possibly could tell someone I had some weakness in order to try and manipulate them into revealing their true character or intentions.

Unfortunately, having been diagnosed with AS, it is possible that I have got completely the wrong impression so I would appreciate any feedback.

I tend to regret it, Every time I end up wondering why I couldn't have just told them to 'f*ck off' the moment I suspected I was being taken advantage of. So always end up wishing I could go back and change things.....the trouble is every time I think I'll be able to be more assertive the next time and do exactly that but then I don't.

There was a girl in my English class in 11th grade who was a foster kid. She sat in front of me so I talked to her a lot. She admitted to me I was the only person who talked to her. My so called friends and I would hang out with the English teacher he would tell us all kinds of crazy crap we did not need to hear. He told us we should be nicer to the foster kid she was probably more likely to put out. My friends saw me talking to her all the time so they asked me to ask her to come over to our friend's house to hang out with us. She was very into hanging out with me after school. My friend's plan was to get her really drunk so all of them could have sex with her.

When we got our friend's house they left me with her while they went to buy alcohol. While I was alone with her I felt bad for asking her there because I knew what they were going to do to her. So I told her what they were going to try to do to her and asked her if she wanted to go home. She flipped out tearing the kid's basement apart breaking the tv and other stuff. I never saw her school after that she either went to a new school or quit. It was the last time I hung out with those clowns. It was for the better it was only a matter of time before those idiots tried to make do something really bad.



I have flashbacks of all the things I regret doing or saying.

I don't think I've been manipulated. But I do have regrets not seeing times I was hit on buy women and did not know it because of my AS.

I had a friend who in the past (or so he says...) had some shady run-ins with the law. He just seemed real shady. I didn't notice it. My parents did.

He maniuplated me, took advantage of me. Sometimes I question it still. Now, I DO have friends, whether they're online , or not, but none that I hang around with and do stuff with. He was one of those friends I Did everything with. For 6 years. He was also a magician. I am a magician too. We had that in common. He told me my parents lied to me, everything they ever told me was a lie. That everything i learned in school was also a lie. When his fiance got in the car with him and I, she asked me why I was crying/upset. He said because I was realizing the 'truth'. I'm not sure exactly what he meant, but it sent red flags off. In fact, i was moving in with him. I never owned an apartment before. I didn't have any credit. Their credit was very bad, he had a criminal record as well, they couldn't get an apartment, so they wanted to put my name on it. I signed some of the papers, and was about to finalize it when I told my parents. In fact, I was angry at my parents. I thought they hated me. But later I told them and figured out that they really did love me.

I agree its good and ideal to focus on the present, but if talking about the past experiences, may be able to help us if others can relate, as long as we do not dwell on it.