My life has gone to hell

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Within the past couple months, my long-time family dog died and I went through a depressed period where my medication stopped working. Now:

Last week my grandmother passed away. First time I've ever had a relative die.

One of the people I knew online has disappeared and nobody is quite sure why or whether she's alive or not. Others and myself have looked for info and gotten little.

I'm thinking again of how it's seemingly impossible for me to find a relationship, feeling depressed, anxious, and annoyed with self over that. Also annoyed I developed an attraction to someone who lives 2000 miles away.

I'm frustrated with my place in the world. I'm jobless, directionless, clueless, friends and people I know are moving away or dying, and I have no clue what to do with my life. I feel tired of living with my parents but I don't have the money or anything to be on my own.

I'm so depressed, anxious, frustrated, confused, sad, upset with myself, everything. I can't stand it all and I can't stand this life I'm living.

Sorry you're going through so much stuff. My grandfather died when I was too young to fully grasp what that meant, my aunt died.. a few years ago, I was 19 and it was beyond tough to deal with due to her being as young as she was.

I know this might not be the time, but you might need an outlet to vent.. possibly either here, talking to friends online if possible. I know when I didn't know what direction my life was going, I took up writing to to try and reflect on any possible interests I have and while its an ongoing process, things are less stressful when I do that.

Death is hard to cope with in general, even if its been a week or a couple of months, sorry you're having a rough time and please post here if you need people to relate to.

I don't know how to vent, or what to vent, my emotions change all the time.

I keep getting reminded of my social awkwardness, even online. Makes things even worse. I keep getting more self-aware of my flaws, even though now isn't much of a time to pressure myself about working on them.

Hey, my life has gone to hell too. Lets mourn together. I recently lost everything that made my life worth living - my uni degree, my music career, my ability to f*cking think straight, my flat, my independence, my income, my social life, my hobbies. I can't even turn to what's normally my last resort - my fantasy books, because my brain is so f*cked I can't even read. I'm at my parents place, just existing from day to day in this state of constant anxiety, physical ailment, depression, inexplicable fatigue, and suicidal musings where I can't do anything useful, productive, or meaningful. It's been going on for weeks and weeks. I had to swallow my pride after everything I've achieved (including managing to support myself with student allowance and singing income) and apply for a disability pension. I spent two hours in that office sobbing my eyes out.

Anyway, back to your personal hell.

Death is hard. It's hardest when it's the first person who you've known who's died. It gets easier over time to deal with, although it always hurts. People I've known who've died: all my grandparents, the two fathers in our closest family friends who I grew up with (both to cancer), several of my parents friends, the son of one of my parents friends to suicide, and I have an aunt and an uncle currently with terminal cancer. The first person I knew who died was my grandpa four days before my 11th birthday. I remember that very clearly because it was the first time I had experienced death. I know how hard it must be for you.

Right now everything sucks and I want to die, but I know life will get better because it's got to. If things don't naturally improve for me, and resting doesn't help me to get better, then I'll do whatever the hell I have to do (short of killing myself) to make my life worth something again. I'm determined to take my life back, even if it can never be exactly the same as it was before. Things will get better for you too. Everything sucks right now, but life is about renewal and revival, and I think it's a part of being Asperger's that you learn to reinvent yourself time and time again.

Yeah, sounds a lot like what happened to me. I'm on disability too right now, and was functioning quite well for a while before everything went to hell.

And I need to reinvent myself, one way or another.

I'm so socially awkward that I can't even interact with people online without f*****g up.

I don't even know what to do anymore. My mom's asking me if I want to go back to the psych ward but I don't think that would help, I f*****g hate those places. If I have to keep doing that then I'm totally f*****g worthless as a person, which is how I feel. I hate myself.

Anybody else have any thoughts? I need all the feedback I can get....