Ok so there are a few things that are really getting to me.....first off I feel like everyone just takes advantage of me whether intentional or not because of how un-assertive and pathetic I am. For example I loan people money that they never pay back wether its family, friends or people who act like friends and then stab me in the back. I also struggle with assertiveness so much that if someone forgets its very hard for me to bring it up to them. But yeah I don't mind helping people out I just find it very depressing that they seem to forget about paying me back and no one really offers to help me out when Im down so to speak........also things in general have just been kind of horrible, I can't seem to cut down on smoking ciggerettes as much as I would like to, Im kinda stressing about money, my cat recently dissappeared(hes been gone so long I am assuming he's dead), I lost my cell phone that I had just bought minutes for and had to buy a new one and sure I have bought a few things for myself but those have all been shared with others to the extent of hardly nothing left for me. If I talk to people about it they just seem to think Im trying to say I don't want to share or help them out which is not true I just feel like maybe being respected as a person and not a vending machine in return would be a fair trade.
But enough of that cycle also my moms boyfriend just disrespects me all the time, like today I was busy trying to get dressed and the bank called so he screamed at me to answer the phone and I told him I had just gone and talked to the bank and that I was busy and did not want to answer it right then.....so he pretty much got in my face still yelling at me and I just said Im not answering it, grabbed it from him and hung up. I am a 21 year old woman I dont need some old man getting in my face like that if he ever tries to grab me like he has done to my mom I am not going to let it go...he never has but today it seemed close to reaching that point so I hope for his sake he knows that will not be tolerated by me.
And yeah hopefully me and my cousin will be getting an apartment soon so I can get away, but then of course I've been denied for SSI and dont know if I will truly be able to afford to live on my own like that unless I can manage to find a job on top of college where I go because I am living on college loans and grants. Then of course my mom has a problem with the kind of people my cousin hangs out with(people I actually like). So it's gonna be hell when me and her really start making plans I wont let her stop me but I know it will still have emotional effects.
so yeah I just had to vent a little.
07 May 2011, 11:50 pm
