I feel I must kill myself

Post Reply New Topic

Everyone I come in contact with winds up worse off. I disappoint everyone. I spent weeks restoring an antique, and sold it to a fellow, and now he wants his money back because he says it was a lousy job, and he is probably right. I make a mistake at work, and people get mad. I worry about where my next paycheck will come from, and I'm just so tired of fighing, and doing it alone because I've got no girlfriend, live alone (my roommates moved out). I know my parents will be sad, but I've been a disapointment my whole life, so what's the problem with disappointing them by killing myself. I could never hang myself, or shoot myself, knifes scare me. Pills perhaps? Will a bottle of aspirin do it? Or what? I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, never again have to confront another day of failure and disappointment, of not living to people's standards, and not being good enough, or worthy. I'm so tired, I just wish I could flip the off switch on my life. I have a contract I wrote a while ago, that said I'd kill myself if I wasn't a success by 30, and I think it's clear that won't happen. Maybe do it tonight...

NO! Don't do it Brian!

The guy who rejected your restored antique sounds like a curmudgeon. End of story.

You have a lot to live for. If I remember correctly you likemaking films. (I want to do something similar).

See a doctor PLEASE ASAP, emergency services if that's all that's available soon enough.

I'll write more later but I have to leave to go somewhere now.

Your life has meaning and direction and you find that meaning and direction only by living it step by step! Your life has a purpose that is born and reborn every single moment of every day! DON'T GIVE UP!

If you kill yourself, you effectively wipe out every chance you'll have of succeeding. No one said you'll fail at everything. Besides, do you really want to agonize your parents with this? And by the way, if you try to kill yourself with medicine, you'll most likely fail and find yourself in excruciating pain, and dialing 911, only to end up in a hospital envying the dead. Do you want that?

Why don't you go on welfare if you can't work? In your state of being, I don't have a problem lending my tax payer dollars to you.

Listen, and I don't care what the rest of you people think, but if you kill yourself Brian, you will meet your maker, and it won't be pleasant. Please, talk to a doctor, get a welfare check, and keep going. You have a life ahead of you, and you WILL NOT get it back.

Don't suicide.
As these two people have said, it's not worth it.
Try to keep your chin up more, you'll find that girl one day .
I think you should consider Anti-Depression tablets.

Though, becareful of which ones you take. I had one that made me feel happier, but I have so very little memory in my time of taking it.
All I knew was, I was happier .

Give it a try

I'm just so damn sick of being a disappointment to everyone, of failing to rise to expectations, of not being liked, and not being loved. Not being attractive. A failure at love, socializing, in school, and even at the things I love best. I spent nearly 3 years working on a feature length documentary at my college, and at the end of year festival, it got beaten for an award by a 10 minute film made from home videos. And the judges were my friends and colleagues. Got fired from my first post grad job, and haven't found another since. Scraped by doing freelance, filmingn weddings, making DVDs of people's home movies. I'm sick of being a witness to other people's happy moments, and having none myself. No girl wants me, and my "friends" only need me when I have something they need. What is the point of life if you're alone, unwanted, unloved, and a faillure in everything? Who am I kidding that I could be a great, good or even competent filmmaker? That I have something to say? I'm worthless, and I feel ready to throw myself into God's face and ask him why he saddles me or anyone else with such hardship, while others around me do so well. I know what I want to do! I know what I LOVE to do, yet I am unable to do it because I don't have the money, the resources or the talent. All my work has yielded nothing, and I have hatred for myself. Part of me wants to kill myself, and the other wants to scar my face with something sharp.

Please don't do anything.
I have faith in you .

If you feel unnattractive about yourself then please follow my advice.
I use to feel the same way about myself, but then I realized...
I think this way about myself and others don't because I actually try to look good around other people.
So, what I did was I dressed very nicely everyday, I brushed my teeth 3 times a day instead of 1.
I weared deodorant everyday (I don't need it really because I shave, but smelling extra good is good too)
Basically, dress as if you're going out EVERYDAY, of course you don't have to wear socks/shoes if you don't want to .
The point is to find yourself more attractive rather then you thinking, "No one knows how I really look" or something like that.
It's also good because you feel great about yourself and more positive, when someone knocks on your door, you won't have to worry about cleaning yourself up or anything ^^

I understand your position. I lived in a place where I was pretty poor myself once, and I understand how hard it is.
Actually! I've done special effects with making clones of myself and using light sabers.
If you want I can tell you which program I used to do it?
I can give you the copy I have~ I want to be able to help you, and there is heaps of tutorials on how to do these.
Here is a example video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obgdj9ZXnYM

And it's really easy to do as well. It was my second time using it and it was easy. All you need is a camera
And NEVER give up on your life. Trust me, things will get better for you.
Stand up, be strong, put a smile on your face!

If you want that program then ask me, and I'll give you my copy ^^
I'll be happy to help you in that in anyway
You can make clones of yourself, use light sabers.
And people have even cut out characters (Literally the characters removing the background from them) and placed them in other shows/movies with this program.

If you have a green screen you can do so much more though, but lets not focus on the green screen assuming you don't have one (I don't either)

Please consider going to an outpatient hospital program. You get to go home every afternoon, and while they are probably will prescribe pills, they are mostly focused on intensive therapy. It can make a big difference in how you handle people and life in general. It worked out great for me, but it took about a year to really see results.

Please try it. If if doesn't work, you haven't lost anything.

Brian,

I'm sure something that you worked on for three years and put your heart and soul into must be pretty darn great. Judged events are always subjective, always. Definitely don't take that as the final assessment of your talent.

What was your documentary about, by the way?

I agree that you should look into antidepressants/therapy ASAP.

I understand about watching people live out their happy lives, and it must take a lot of inner reserve to do that as a profession.

You can and will have a happy life. You made a lot of broad negative and hopeless statements that strongly indicate you'[re depressed and not seeing things clearly. It is easy to look at a scene and think: why am I needed here? The scene is going perfectly without me. But other people are looking at you and you are part of their scene. When it comes down to it no one HAS to exist. There could be air there instead of you or me. You have to invent a reason to be here. You imagine it and then create it based on your imagination and then it is real. If everybody thought like you do when you're depressed, there'd be no one left alive, because they'd have all done themselves in for lack of finding reasons to be here. You create the reasons. That's what I am concluding as of late.

Hi Brian....I too feel like a failure. I have yet to do ANYTHING that I find truly rewarding. Just lost my job this week & feeling miserable...not knowing which way to go. I feel like I'm not qualified to do anything. My last job was beyond stressful especially towards the end with all kinds of noise all day long & people screaming at me both in the office & over the phone. Sucked so bad...I'd go home a basket case from just being bombarded with crap all day long. My life dream is not dis-similar to yours, still photography. However, I just worked my butt off on a bridal shower shoot & the bride to be & her mom were getting impatient because I wasn't able to spend 24/7 editing their pics. I was working full time so I can afford to do photography. Anyway, I finally produced the pictures for them, & I haven't received any kind of feedback what-so-ever. Totally disappointed too..not just over the photography stuff, but that I can't find a suitable job & keep it. So many years of failures, & so few successes. I'm tired of it too. Unfortunately, I wish I had a better answer for you. I really do. I'm sure the other posters here have some great ideas about trying to make yourself more attractive. I've been told I am pretty, but after years & years of being called ugly it's really hard for me to see the beauty for the beast.

FYI: I never had success with friends either, not since my earliest memories. My parents hated me, & so did their families. I had no one I could trust or turn to growing up, & there was no one who'd even so much as offer me a hug when I really could have used one. Bullies loved tormenting me, & I think that that scared other kids away (who'd want to hang around a bully magnet?). Bullies still love hurting me even though I'm nearly 50. Being female, one is judged on how many friends she had/has. Well, over the years, I can count them all on one hand, using less than all 4 fingers or my thumb. I somehow got married to the "wrong" guy. Very abusive/controlling, & he made my life even more hellish than it was before. Not only that, but we had 2 daughters whom he got sole custody of because he had the money to do it, & I didn't. I recommend not getting into a relationship with someone who's all wrong for you. Better to bide your time doing stuff you enjoy in the meantime. Being alone does have it's advantages, & let's face it, marrying/divorcing someone who's Ms. Wrong is a heck of a lot more costly...both financially & emotionally. I don't want to bore you though or make you feel worse. Tomorrow will be another day, maybe something brighter is just around the corner.

Hugs,

Tomboy

All I can say is that no matter how helpless things feel, there is more hope in living than in dying. It may be clichéd, but suicide is never the answer, and it is true.
I probably can't really advise you but because you have been open about it, everyone posting and many who are not care about your well-being.

I don't know if you will relate to my experience, but one thing I discovered about myself only as I got into my 40's was that most of my sense that other people were disappointed in me was almost completely a fiction that I carried around in my mind. Yes, there were times when I could point to an incident when someone was genuinely disappointed in me, but about 95% of what I thought people felt about me was all my imagination.

Do not do something irreversible over a figment of your imagination.

You are far more valuable to those around you than it feels. I recognize all the feelings you describe. Being a creative person who gets passed over frequently is painful. I wish I could do something to help, but all I can do is try to remind you that no matter how bad it feels, it can get better. But only if you stick with it.

I'm still here, though I desperately don't want to be. I'm going to bed praying I won't wake up. I know god won't grant it. He wants to
keep me alive to torture. I know what will happen. A few good things will come my way, but each with greater misery. And then when I'm close to success, he'll give me cancer and the joke tha is my life will be complete. All that is keeping me alive are my parents, and I'm so afraid I'll lose them, and before I can make them proud. I can't bear that I'm such a rank disappointment. Hey deserve better. They don't deserve something like me, a burden.

I sent you a PM.

I'm sorry you're doing so badly. Don't kill yourself for those reasons... it could get better, and people not appreciating you, for whatever reasons they may have, is not important. I know that hope may seem like a curse, at times, and one may even feel that it is purely bad, but... try to stay hopeful, regardless.

I hope you are doing ok, Brian. I havent made a success of my life either, and I am older than you. All I can do is admin and accounts and I am terrible at it anyway and hate it. I am only working part time anyway. There are little good things in my life but the majority of it is not a pretty picture.

I hope you keep posting here anyway, there are good people here. Please dont hurt yourself. ((((((((hugs)))))))