No friends, no life, not really sure what to do

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Here's the situation...

I'm 16 years old, I'm really good at computer science/programming, I'm in Mensa, and I'm going to college this September. Seems like everything would be great with my life, right?

Well, I don't have any friends. I've never been invited to a birthday party, never "hung out" with peers, never been good enough to play a sport. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 15, which was a relief to know what was going on, but now I'm starting to realize all the problems I'm having.

I'm terribly awkward at my high school, and I've had countless attempts which have since failed at befriending or at least getting to know the people there over the past three years. Most of the students either regard me as (1) A cute, smart, but gullible child (2) A pretentious intelligent jerk to smart for himself or (3) A hopeless nerd that is to be ignored. People in the first category treat me like I'm 6 years old and disable their potential friend detectors. People in the second just think I'm a jerk, which I can't help when I shout out the right answer to something. People in the third just ignore me and flat-out walk past me without looking at me in the hallway.

And it sucks. It depresses me every day to go on Facebook, because I see all the parties and fun and things that everyone is having, while I'm sitting alone on reddit or something on my computer, watching TV shows and coding until I fall asleep. After school on Fridays, I do my weekly frenzied walk around the school, because when everyone is talking with their friends about their plans for the weekend, I can look like I have something important to do. In fact, I feel that as time goes on, I'm growing farther and farther away from people as they gradually turn away from me.

I realize this is a crapload of baggage to dump on a forum seeing as I'm a new user, but I'd really appreciate some help from you guys on how to deal with this/improve my situation. I've been lurking for a while, but just made a new account.

Thanks in advance for your responses,

~Chromium

Best advice I can give: High School sucks. College will only be slightly better. Then us computer nerds become "cool"(er). Don't chase after the money when you look for a job, find something you are passionate about and code for that. I am a programmer for an online high school. I get to work with dozens of teachers, who (sadly) were my best friends in school and I get to feel like I am making a difference in the lives of the students who use my software. /inspirationalSpeech

HIGH SCHOOL IS THE WORST PLACE FOR ASPIES! TEENAGERS ARE CRUEL AND RUDE!
College is sooooooooo much more tolerant of quirky people, geeky people, and nonconformists. There are still cliques around but nearly as bad as high school

I hated high school with a passion and considered those the worst years of my life

Last edited by AllieKat on 08 May 2011, 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

College is different than highschool. If you go to a "good college" meaning a selective one, most of the people there didn't have time for all that high school social BS. The people are generally more mature and more accepting of others.

That's one way of saying it.

OP, don't worry about high school, it'll be over soon. Most people in high school, from my experience, are immature to say the least and not that many would actually make good friends.

Well, I guess it depends if that's what you want to do. I felt fairly similar a while back, but I've since learnt to focus on what I'm doing in life and not care about these other people - but, I'm not fussed about parties and fun, perhaps you are.

Chronos I could not have said it better myself.

In College some people in Labs etc. will not have a clue, do some Labs with them if you have the time, it is easier socially. Hard work & sharing work can make some pleasant long term college friends.

No sci-fi club at your school? If there is, join it quickly! Even if you can sit down unnoticed, you'll be accepted as part of the environment in no-time.

Other than that, if you have access to transportation. Check out Craigslist's 'groups, classes, events" sections and see if anyone else is looking for a group that is of interest to you. (just don't join any love events or strange cults!). I found my table-top gamer club through Craigslist. Also my martial arts group too!

I hope so!


Nope I wish we had a nerd club, that would be awesome...

Thanks for all the nice replies guys! I guess the main thing to take away from this is that I should focus on what I like doing more.

Chromium,

You have a lot of things going for you. You are obviously very smart. You know about your diagnosis so that helps. You are taking action by being part of Wrong Planet and asking questions on the forum.

Regarding hanging out; one suggestion is to increase opportunities for interaction. Be more open to activities that you usually would not do. If someone suggests you go bowling and you hate bowling go anyway. I know that may seem "fake" or not being true to yourself, but if you are honest with it it can be fine. You can go not so much because you like to bowl, but to hang out or to try something new. Consider the real activity getting to know other people.

A good way to make friends is to share (feelings, ideas) with others - start with small items and build as the friendship does. Also asking for help may make other people feel more positive toward you. When someone asks you for help how do you feel? Like "Hey, this person likes me!"

Remember that in general people try to make themselves look more interesting by exaggerating the amount of parties and fun they have. So don't believe all the hype. Also remember that people like to be invited to things, so you may try inviting one or two people to join you - it doesn't have to be for the coolest party but could be something simple like to watch TV. Keep in mind there are others who stay home waiting to be asked to do something.

- Skysoar

Chromium,

You have a lot of things going for you. You are obviously very smart. You know about your diagnosis so that helps. You are taking action by being part of Wrong Planet and asking questions on the forum.

Regarding hanging out; one suggestion is to increase opportunities for interaction. Be more open to activities that you usually would not do. If someone suggests you go bowling and you hate bowling go anyway. I know that may seem "fake" or not being true to yourself, but if you are honest with it it can be fine. You can go not so much because you like to bowl, but to hang out or to try something new. Consider the real activity getting to know other people.

A good way to make friends is to share (feelings, ideas) with others - start with small items and build as the friendship does. Also asking for help may make other people feel more positive toward you. When someone asks you for help how do you feel? Like "Hey, this person likes me!"

Remember that in general people try to make themselves look more interesting by exaggerating the amount of parties and fun they have. So don't believe all the hype. Also remember that people like to be invited to things, so you may try inviting one or two people to join you - it doesn't have to be for the coolest party but could be something simple like to watch TV. Keep in mind there are others who stay home waiting to be asked to do something.

- Skysoar

Oh my gosh, I am going to cry, I am sorta in the same situation.

Heres my take though:
I'm not super smart (because I am lazy and didn't take hard enough classes)
I have friends, but I never hang out with them
I talk to people @ school, I just zone out when they talk about plans
I have run cross-country/track for 3 years, and now I am training for a marathon

I am either viewed as too smart for my own good or a socially inept person also.
But they don't act like jerks when I am too smart.
Then they do reverse psychology like "oh, she is soooo smart, look at her". So it isn't mean, but it isn't nice if you get what I am saying.
But my teachers are nice.
That is why I stay in my math class during lunch (and then other kids have to come in for help with hw, because I decided to not be so lazy this year and do 1 hard class).

Oh, and I get depressed from fb also. Like I just looked @ prom pics
I hope I don't have to go to school tomorrow.

Have hope though, from what I've been reading, college is better.
I go to college in 4 months, so I am holding onto hope.
You have 2 years?
If you want a sport, running requires ZERO coordination.
That's why I love it.
My problem is that I didn't try to do enough things with my time, so I didn't make that many friends.


Alas, college shall redeem!! !

chrissyrun,

Have fun in college. And enjoy the running. I just started jogging again but it will take me awhile to get into shape. I could not run a marathon.

- skysoar

Totally agree with both of you!

And regarding Facebook- well, it just seems so unnatural to me. It's one thing to go on a forum, (like this one, which is wonderful to have) but it's quite another to have "check-ins" telling the world where your location is, and the way it displays all of your info at the top of the page like employers, who you might be in a relationship with, who your relatives are, etc. It just seems like way too much info is being asked for and shared. I think it also is kind of illusory, because people tend to post what they *want* to be, instead of what they are really, which can either be a good thing or bad thing, I guess. The same goes for parties and such. NTs are rarely ever honest in the way Aspies tend to be, and things with them always seem to have to be through rosy colored glasses. I never seem to see any real discussion on there anyway, as status updates do not provide room for that. I guess my point is don't let yourself get down when you see pictures other people have posted, and the party invites and stuff. How did our grandparents function when they were our age? They didn't have Facebook, and they didn't need it.

Also, yeah, high school just sucks. College gets better just because the classes tend to be geared toward the introvert who can sit patiently listening, and if you can find a group with similar interests, you'll feel more comfortable.