Displaced NT

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i'm sorry it's a rambling of an NT but these are why i found home in the spectrum or at least on this site. i tried not to be overridden by my emotions and thoughts but they are just still too much.. and here are some of them. i was just posting these on different threads when i was kinda able to put it together that these are some of the reasons why i also like being here despite being very neurotypical.

first this. some of my fellow NT friends talked to me about this but with good intentions. they say i respect people too much.. and am too understanding, and i am not that desirable because of it too. but i like being like that and that's how i thought it should be, its like my moral values. and i was kinda made to realize here that i am unconsciously poetic which is pretty cool, but then i realized when i'm talking or just trying to be sweet to someone before, they say i'm a romantic but they think i'm being fake. and even when i was younger several people have told me "i'm too deep for my own good". and i'm too intellectual too that i could drain them or i could make their noses bleed(its a joke for causing or requiring too much mental effort). so i see now why i cant connect very well or even at all normally, and maybe that's why they love me when i play dumb.. so this is why i am not entirely at home in my NT world. and aside from the many things i admire about people in the spectrum i think these are the parts of me that made me feel at home, but this planet is also now a painful reminder of a memory. but at least finally now i think i could explain my kinship or why i like aspies..

second, for being what is stated above as commendable traits which are appreciated and/or realized here.. (NTs)people then have too much faith in me or high regards that i can never actually reach any of them. and the failure will be my fault, and what i could only reach is never good enough.. and while i'm in the long staggering process of trying to achieve or fulfill my full potential - i have nothing. in my NT world all i am is just a fighter, i always have to fight through. its tiring. maybe i could really become everything they want me to be, win all my battles, if i work very hard and create worlds but this is my 'self' and it needs a home. and other people reject themselves for me or give up on themselves for me.. and when i find a supposed equal i'm never good enough.. that the people i attract are either afraid of me or very intimidated by me that they're not going to be good enough for me. or the only interest they have is what i have and what i can do. that with this people and how i am, i'm just taken advantage of but not even taken seriously. and i'm not even the top choice that while i go through all this - i have nobody.

i am not perfect and i am lonely..

_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie..

Firstly, perhaps to stop trying to be all things to all people. In trying to please everyone you forget to please yourself and cause yourself a lot of stress as some people will never be happy regardless. In this I'm not saying to stop trying to be nice or any of the great traits you've said you have, I'm suggesting that you consider yourself as much as others. This world of ours can be a very cold place and it can be very hard but it also has good points, the good points are really hard to see when dealing with the hard cold bits though.

Secondly, nobody's perfect and the ones that seem perfect are probably faking so hard that they ache inside. Perfection is a damaging myth, a thing that is unattainable but because people think it's real they hurt themselves over and over seeking it. There's no harm in trying your best but seeking true perfection will cause pain.

NcNbl, I think that it might be a good idea on working toward you accepting you and perhaps after you accept you, you'll probably find people (and/or other creatures) who you will find mutual enjoyment of life with.

thanks LostAlien.. but i am not trying to be perfect, i'm saying i am not. i want to tell people i am not perfect, and even if they say they know that, they just still expect a lot from me all the time with a lot of things and does not accept me when i fall short. this is how i am with my "good" attributes and i like it, i am not forcing it out of me towards anybody. i'm not even trying to be nice to everyone. i just respect people and the more i know someone the more i know what to respect or appreciate about them.. im just being honest with myself and with them but its working against me. yeah, some people that doesnt know me might think i'm trying too hard or i'm trying to please everyone, i never even tried to do that, but when you get to know me its just how i am and this is how i do, but when when i fail them its almost like i'm the definition of failure or a bad person for failing, and its as if i dont get hurt by my own little failures.. its like im not human to people but a machine, sadly including my family and friends to that.

and i'm not even exactly after the approval or acceptance of my NT world because i do not like all the trivial and temporal things they are about and running their lives with but i do respect and understand that about them. yes, i could blend or participate very well in those things too but not for long its really not my interest, like i said somewhere, my NTness is like a performance. should i just join that band and lose my soul, i have lost my heart anyway, and just be vapid? i'm not saying all NTs are but most of the generations around me is.. thats why i love older people, they are wise and decent, and kids they are pure and true.. and here, i am helpful and useful in better or more meaningful way and i like that.. and a lot here needs love and deserves love than most NTs who take those things for granted. and here i could be myself and have the kind of conversations i like..

_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie..

I appreciate your presence here. I enjoy reading your posts. I accept you for you and I hope that you keep coming here.

I am sorry about misunderstanding your post. I hope nice things start to happen to you soon NcNbl and your life becomes more as you want it to be for you.

just an update about this "displacement"..

we just had a big family thing this week which we have annually. this particular displacement is something i am embarrassed tell people here and also because it is from my own extended family. we just had a very big gathering for a week and i think i am getting so close to getting so fed up about it and snap. they have been doing this even before i knew my aspie and realize my affinity with neurodiversity. when it was down time fun time, its kinda trending that they make fun of me or call me as this autistic boy - son of a famous local celebrity. nothing against autistics with being not cool with that, of course, thats why i'm embarrassed to share this here, but its kind of insulting and offensive because i am very much functional than he is and even than these family members i have. the most annoying part is that my displacement or being out of place is rubbed in my face. i am not out-casted, i am in fact the family baby favorite.. its hard to explain but this is my difference and difficulty to the usual NT's and a testimony on only how far i could connect and be intellectually/psychologically at home.

they(my family) trendingly call me autistic, or with a name of a boy who is, because i am different and real to myself, i dont go with the flow, i make my own waves even against the popular flow with those that i can, but&because they take extreme measures to make me follow. and i have a strong stand with my opinions and ideas also because i figured those out and i have thought of them so well and so hard for so long, because i think non-stop, the stress is even a health concern, which is another reason why they call me autistic. and also because i am smart/intelligent, hence the expectations and standards. but i am not an overachiever, i think. i was not the usual intelligent boy in school, i'm never the valedictorian studious diligent type. i was a bad student who performs very well, and is sociable enough to become student council president on the first year of transfer. i was always sent to school shrinks to convince me to become the good student type. i had myself tested for conditions and syndromes and i didnt pass any, i mean all are negative for anything.

and of course the "nosebleeding" happened this week. i cant talk to them with my interest and depth. i see how difficult it was for them and how patronizing they are talking to me about my stuff; but we get on well when i go in to their world, but they cant &/or wont get in to mine cuz its either too smart, too deep or too weird.. i don't feel that insulted and offended being called autistic, its the idea that they make fun of my difference when they make me figure out their problems, its me they seek when things get tough and profound intellectually and emotionally.. but i cant come to anyone even for just a light hearted talk about those, and in a way, i like. maybe because i'm just also depressed thats why i'm a bit more sensitive than usual and plus i have this affinity.

i'm just very upset that its from my own family.. i kinda found a good time to answer back at them gently with what's also upsetting me - that they are using an autistic as an insult or instrument of making fun, i hated it. i am hurt for myself and for the boy whose name they are making fun of me with. but what i said was for the boy, not for my hurt - like how would the boy feel if he gets to know he's used like that, how would the mother feel? and how would they feel if it was them? and how would they feel if it was their child? i kinda stopped them with that for a while. but those who weren't in the room and didnt hear it - still does it.. they know i'm not autistic but for humor they call me as one, but when its serious, with the autism/difference i have from them which is my intellect, they expect so so so much from me and if i fail its a sin. and because they think i'm smart and nice they think i'm okay, they never ask, is it okay or if i'm okay.. its like - of course its okay, it's Nico, he knows what to do, he's nice, he knows what to think, he's better than that.. and i hate that i'm also defending them to myself but i love them so i do that.. i'm sorry they're like that but they are not evil people, they just don't know and i plan to let them know the best and nicest way i can..


i don't know i'm just really upset, and still depressed, i was hoping this week could save me from my crippling depression and its episodes while hiding the fact i have it - i was distracted for a while but no, it didnt. im sorry i'm rambling.. this is where i wish to be an aspie, so i'd be stoic and not easily made aware of those i am easily aware of and have a whole new set of problems but with the cool aspie traits and know what to deal with and not blame; or comatose - if death is too much to ask. i'm really gonna runaway but without abandoning anybody and my responsibilities, i need to get out of here.. my aspie is so nearby after crossing seas but is so appalled by me. my home, my entire country, just became hell.. everyone just wants to find a place in this world. i'm going to make my own place, my own world. i will start everything over at least i will be too preoccupied dealing with the changes to still be able to think about anything. but that is if i will be given the chance which is quite probable that i will be not, then i'd just submit myself to all they want from me.. former or the latter any of which, even both, could just be a tragic mistake and a disaster of a choice, or not. but i'll still pursue becoming a doctor, i got accepted for the three MA degrees i'm applying for and for the three jobs but i will change my plans.. it could end up disastrous but i dont really care anymore.. i already gave up my heart maybe to live is to also give up my soul(i dont mean suicide.). sorry, i'm just really in a bad place right now and i cant have any shoulder in my actual world to cry any of this on.

_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie..

I feel sad for your pain NcNbl, families can be unintentionally cruel sometimes. I don't fit in with my extended family and I had to cut ties with them because they kept on trying to change me, I couldn't change (become a drinker+enjoy 'real' style stories+become their type of social).

I hope you can help them to understand how they treat you and how it feels for you. I wasn't able to communicate with my extended family that their treatment of me hurt me. I wish you lots of luck in your communication with them.

(((hug)))

Hi LostAlien.. thank you, i also sympathize with yours..

I'm a bit okay with it, they just dont understand yet.. and its just temporary anyway and i could, so far, still tolerate those that are towards me. what i am extremely ashamed of is the attitude of some of them towards the psych/neuro diverse even if they don't mean anything serious.. it offends me and other people which belongs to the cause i care about, so it doubly hurts me.. even if its also temporary, i will make them understand and be more aware and more sensitive about it.. i already know what to do. i'd make them realize their own shame in the most nicest and most kindest way but would make them truly embarrassed with themselves..

as for the rest of my woes, yeah i still wish i'm dead. i could also almost see that my spirit is going to be completely broken some time soon then completely dead.. then the only safety is to be reduced to a dull hallow and shallow nuerotypical. i do wish you well and for life to be better but i no longer wish for myself such. i wish life would just be true and honest and bring me forth hell; i always loved challenges and defiance anyway. i always knew hope could be a dangerous thing, and faith and love and everything else..

_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie..

Thank you for your sympathy NcNbl, I've long finished grieving for what I had to do though, I was trying to see if knowing that you weren't alone in your pain would help.

I still wish that what you need and want will happen for you.

Bruce!!
and Thank you LostAlien..
you're probably right, but i dont wanna think about other people's karma. i was obviously pretty horrible some time before to have had experience all that just happened and is happening to me..

_________________
"If being in a wrong planet; I think I like your's."
NT, knighted Honorary Aspie for my love for an aspie..

Also, here's a hug. :O)

I haven't read the whole thread, apologies for that, but I just want to say that it concerns me to see anyone defining themselves as "NT". A friend of mine here does it too, I find it worrying. 'Neurotypical' is not a diagnosis of anything, it is a term coined by the Autistic community to describe people without Autistic Spectrum Disorder: it simply means 'everyone else', in all their diversity. The only trait, as it were, that "NT's" share is that they don't have ASD.

I don't know off-hand how many neurological disorders (or whatever) are defined in the DSM-IV, but the fact that those on the spectrum have taken it upon themselves to 'diagnose' the others plus everyone else on Earth as "NT" is completely farcical to me. The original intention seems to have been lost somewhere... It's like taking the 10,000-plus species of birds and separating them into 'Flamingos' and 'Not Flamingos'. In my opinion, at it's worst, 'Neurotypical' is a crude, judgemental, solipsistic over-simplification of the world.

Nowadays I put more stock in the 15 personality types of the MBTI and other factors like someone's genetics, upbringing and experiences. Anyone using the "AS vs NT" argument around me is taken with a very very large grain of salt, if not ignored altogether. The 'us and them' attitude displayed by some on WP becomes grating quickly, I don't know how you put up with it, hugs to you and all "NT's"!

Sorry again for not reading the whole thread. Feel better dude.