Afraid, frustrated, and a bit hopeless

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I'm beginning to think there is nothing worth living for (again).

I'm taking an introduction to engineering professions class at college and it's the closest I've ever had to planning what I'll do with my life in the long term, and as good as I feel like that should be, it terrifies me. I always feel nervous and out of place in that class, as everybody else seems to have a good idea of what they want to do, while I took the class mostly to just see if I even wanted to get into engineering in the first place.

I don't want to sit around all day watching tv or playing video games my whole life, I did that for several months after high school and got sick of it. I like the idea of working and supporting myself, but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I like some aspects of everything, yet can't stand just as many. I feel like I should be "growing up" but feel afraid anytime I really start to think about it. I can't stand being "childish" either though. I feel like I could go crazy, being afraid of "growing up" yet hating not doing so. I turn 20 in a few days and feel like I'm about to turn 15 or something.

I think my family has been really taking a toll on me too. I barely speak to my mother or sister, as my mother always tries to act helpless around me as if she wants to me to feel sorry for her. My sister always needs to talk and says pointless things just to try and get me to respond to her, and is very selfish and becoming very cynical. My father, who I've respected for a long time, is starting to develop quite a cynical and abrasive attitude as well. I know I've always had a notably less than perfect attitude, but there only seems to be depression in the house, which I fear is making mine even worse.

I don't have any friends. I don't think I really care too much though. I've never really enjoyed being around people and noticed that I seemed to only start disliking people the more I got to know them. I think I come off as completely cold and almost malicious at times, and people seem to act as if I don't exist at times (not that I always mind).

Anyway, I say this because suicidal thoughts are starting to creep back into my mind. I think about it almost at random, but it also somehow seems like it's always somehow apart of my thoughts. I don't think I would do it, as I've felt this way many times before and not acted on it, but I feel like I can only deal with these thoughts so many times before I do something drastic. There are times when I almost feel like crying for no particular reason.

I, too, have felt the strong desire to "grow up" and felt terrified by the idea at the same time. I began feeling that way around the same age you are now and the fear persisted for awhile and then became more apprehension. The apprehension was far less uncomfortable. I'm 27 now and I still feel like I need to continue to mature, but there has been only a little discomfort.
I was one of those people who "knew" what they wanted to do in life when I was 20, but it turned out I only thought I knew. I think it can be more beneficial to test out an interest before committing lots of time and money to it. That's what I'm planning to do now. I think it's OK not to be sure what you want to do in life at this point. You may know if what you are pursuing now is right for you by the time you finish the semester. Give yourself some time to decide.
I do hope you can continue to battle the suicidal thoughts. They can become exhausting at times, but it is worth the battle in my experience.

Blessed is the person who really knows what their passion is in life. Most people don't actually know what they really want to do in life. They sometimes have a hypothesis and test it out. Others just drift in some direction they believe will lead to some incarnation of financial stability or personal fulfillment. If you had some well defined, strong drive towards a particular occupation, you would actually be in the minority.

That being said, I wouldn't worry too much. Just try the class out and see how you like it.



See above.



50% of people in your age range want to set out on their own as soon as possible, and 50% are terrified of this thought. I think it's more difficult for people on the spectrum because we tend to have such strong aversions to change and doubt our abilities to function at a particular level in life. But consider all the changes you've been through in your life already, and you eventually adjusted.



You can't always rely on your family members to bolster your mood.



You mentioned it so you must mind to some extent. They offer social skills courses for people with AS your age. You might consider enrolling in one. You still have a lot of potential in life.

Yes, I suppose there's no point in worrying about a non transferable course at a community college. I still feel pretty out of place and uncomfortable among those students and with general engineering work, so I guess something has come out of it. Then again, that dissatisfaction could just be because I've been in a pretty dismal mood lately.

I've been going through these sorts of phases for awhile now. I get bogged down and start to feel like life's not worth it and that I'm basically the scum of the earth, and every time part of me feels like it's the worse I've ever felt, even though I know it's probably the same every time. I've felt lost and have had no self esteem for the past few years, and it's basically all I can remember feeling now.

I do care, even though I try not to. I feel like I want to be around people and to have friends but then whenever I am around people I generally want them to go away, or I find I have nothing to say. I do get very lonely sometimes, but I also can't stand when people talk to me just because they feel sorry for me.
I also feel I should say I've never seen any type of professional for a diagnosis of AS, and I only suspected I might have had it when I first heard about it, but I consider myself more of a socially awkward, weird, anxious, somewhat geeky, introverted NT (with some emotional problems, possibly some narcissism). I post here because it's the only place I feel safe sharing these thoughts.