OCD blues, can't talk to anyone about it

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Gods, how do I even begin to say it? I'm only able to speak of it here because I can't put it down coherently and anonymously.

Things have been tough lately, all over I've been emotionally pained, but right now theres this one thing that's causing me more distress that anything else, right now my mood couldn't be lower, I haven't been able to tell my therapist about it and it makes my hands shake even now.

I have OCD, I have become utterly plagued in my head with images of pedophilia and rape, to the extant that I am so distressed that I must spend the day in bed in tears, these images are so unwelcome that I don't go near children - not because I fear doing anything to them, I know in my heart I wouldn't hurt a fly, but because even their presence causes me agony.

I feel disgusting - god I wish my hands would stop shaking - I've never told anyone how my life is suffering due to this, people know I like to put things at right angles and I make everything symetrical but they chalk it up to AS when it is in fact OCD of the most disturbing distressing sort, I'm almost in tears with it.

I think it started earlier this year, I don't know what triggered it, I just remember going through this intense period of about a week where I was confined to bed with major and suicidal depression due to this horrible thoughts.

How do I help myself? How could I even possibly go about telling my therapist this? How will I be judged? Is it a good thing that it hurts me so much?

I considered more then once to just delete this post, but I needed to say it to someone, anyone, I'm typing right now just saying to myself "I'll just delete it and go back to laying in bed"
I like to think there are many people with OCD who suffer these issues, fear of hurting ones wife and kids and such, but it's stigmatising that it's hard to see anyone saying it..

okay, submit

Once I spent months on end waking up every day in horror believing I had done things that had corrupted my sibling and ruined their life forver due to it.

It took me a full year to get over the last of the feelings oof guilt and shame and see that I hadn't corrupted her at all, I was just being... what is the word...it's a word like "neurotic" but it means pathologically and irrationally obsessed with perceived sins one has committed?

Anyway I understand your distress, I've wanted to kill myself over such distress, but remember it's a form of OCD as you know and... can you talk to a therapist and/or psychiatrist about this?

edit:I know you said you can't but given that you have at least this person (me) telling you you've done nothing wrong and are just suffering from OCD?

I don't know how I'd summon up the courage to say anything, and what if the therapist wants to tell my family members? I don't know if I could bare it, I don't know that they'd understand.

It's truly an awful feeling, thinking you have no where to turn, knowing the majority of people probably see you as an immoral person.

No one with any medical understanding of the problem would see you as a terrible person. You're just plagued by horribly unpleasant thoughts that have nothing to do with what you actually have done or would do. If your therapist understands OCD he/she will try to help you and I don't see a reason he/she would tell anyone since you aren't threatening harm to anyone, this is a recognized kind of OCD that DOES NOT mean you will do these things in reality.

I know this might not be of much help but this page

https://mghocd.org/resources/glossary/#Glossary_OCD

has to two definitions pertaining to your disorder:

Obsessions- thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again, feel out of one's control, and cause significant distress. Some common obsessions are: fear of dirt or germs, concern with order, symmetry, or exactness, violent or horrific images, sexually disturbing thoughts, frequent thoughts about particular sounds, images, words, or numbers, fear of losing important things, fear of harming others or being responsible for causing something bad to happen.

and

Scrupulous OCD- a type of OCD in which obsessions relate to moral or religious fears.

Do you get the sense that your therapist well-versed enough in OCD to understand that you are NOT dangerous to others but just suffering from bothersome thoughts? Hopefully they are (if not they'd have to be pretty poorly-versed).

I had similar problems with my OCD, i had horrible images in that would not go away I told my councillor (not explicitly what the images were as I don't tell anyone that) She told me that because i was fighting the thoughts, they kept coming back stronger. Basically i let the thoughts play out in my head and it was extremely uncomfortable, i kept doing that until they subsided and eventually went away. Now whenever i have disurbing images come to mind i don't try to push them away. It's hard because you feel like a bad person for having these images in your head, but everyone had similar thoughts, but they don't dwell on them and it doesn't become a problem. I hope this helps at least a bit. If you ever need to talk PM me.

Hopefully it helps. You could try CBT.

I happen to be in CBT now for anxiety and depression, if I was to tell someone it would be my CBT lady.