Lazy and selfish.

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I am not sure what I want to ask in this thread, perhaps asking if anyone can relate. I have been thinking about the past a lot this week, and thinking back on my childhood.

I think the ages up to about 13 I was being myself. But being myself was met with many accusations.

Firstly, being lazy as I was very daydreamy and distractible and had difficulty coordinating myself for tasks and focusing on them. People said I was lazy.

Also, I was quite oblivious to what people were feeling or thinking so people said I was selfish because I would do something and forget to think of them, or fail to calculate their upset if I did a certain thing.

Also my lack of executive function made me selfish because i would forget to bring back something I had borrowed,

or the case of a friend giving me her ring to look after, and I lost it because I had it in my hand and then got distracted by something and probably dropped it somewhere as I forgot I had it.

So, lazy and selfish were the top 2 accusations. If only I thought of others more and myself less.

(Well it was not that I was thinking of myself all the time, I wasnt really thinking of anyone, really.)

And if only I would work harder. Well I basically alternate between sloth and working myself into the ground, I dont have a middle ground.

Anyway I sort of have lost myself trying to prove I am not selfish and lazy. Now I dont really know who I am or would have been.

Can anyone relate?

Totally relate. I do my best for people given my limited capacity.
For example, I don't hug my parents but I got up at 4.30 am to say goodbye to them before they left for the airport. I don't feel much affection, I just feel like it's something I have to do to compensate for my lack of affection and the guilt.
Lazy and selfish and irresponsible and immature...that's what people think I am, and I am all of that and I don't blame it wholly on aspergers. BUT.
Lazy? I'd be doing more if I knew what to do. I'd take initiative if I knew what the initiative was or how to take it.
Selfish? Well, I'm a teenager and I'm depressed to the point of being suicidal. Everything is so hard for me, I need to be selfish if I'm going to steal those few hour (more like two) of peace in a day.
Irresponsible? I get overwhelmed easily. I try to do things that are on my mental agenda, but something comes up and I'm confused and depressed again.
Immature? OF COURSE I'm immature, I'm stunted in the whole social area of growth, I can't make connections with people and I get lost. The things everyone takes as a matter of fact, I've had to work out the hard way, which is through trial and error and embarrassment.

None of this justifies my crappy personality, but my point is that even if we give our best effort, it won't seem that way to other people. My parents weren't touched by my waking up for them, even though I thought I was being very sweet.

Those four characteristics are not solely restricted to Aspergers. Most people can be lazy, selfish, irresponsible and immature at times. If those four characteristics were regarded as the criteria for Aspergers

Everyone at some point of time in their life may have one characteristic of Aspergers and therefore everyone has/had mild Aspergers.

Aspergers, Aspergers, we all have Aspergers.

I think you know where I am coming from, evil_eyes. It sounds like your parents are a bit hard on you, perhaps when you are older they will see that you are trying your best.
It is not that I want to come across as selfish or lazy, but it takes a lot out of me to do what would be easy for an NT to do.

I usually become sort of manic and obsessed with my work activity I am doing and then burn myself out. Or, I am completely unmotivated and get little done.

And I would like to think of other people more, but I become quite overwhelmed when I am thinking of other people all the time like I was told to do in childhood,

and I have difficulty prioritising my own needs and I end up overcompensating for this by overeating or overspending because my actual needs feel neglected,

because I am trying hard to do stuff that stops me from appearing selfish and lazy.

Last edited by zen_mistress on 27 May 2011, 2:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your childhood sounds much like mine. Nobody knew wth was wrong with me. It was even harder to come home to a dad who was drunk all the time while my mother was away at work. All he could tell me was what a selfish brat I was and throw a temper when I tried to get his help for homework or school. If I had been an NT I think my help would've come from outside sources. I know life would've been much easier given what I saw from sisters and brother. They had their friends to confide with and other people they'd get help from.

Anyway Zen, I really have trouble picturing you as intentionally selfish. In fact you're like the only one on this forum and in my life who's helped me through my worst times. I've had no one else. I know what it's like though. I can't tell what's "normal" and what's part of my disorder. I now call it a disorder because being off my meds has made my situation much more tough. It is too hard to "improve" among people who take their improvements for granted. I still try telling people about my AS and they still don't get it. Being a selfish is a human trait. Some of it's good and some of it takes away from what we want in life. I know this from my own experiences. It's very hard from day to day life just to "function" and get up. Fatigue is a huge problem for me, I don't know if this is related to AS or not. But it's made it very hard for me to stay in touch with people. I was so tired today, I couldn't see my grandmother's side of the family whom I've always been curious about.

Yes it sounds a bit familiar. My parents were really stressed out all the time. My mother was always working weird shifts and was always busy and my father also worked very hard. It was a tense, stressful household, though it was fun at times admittedly

Only in retrospect do I realise what strict parents I had, they were stricter than any of my friend's parents.

They put a lot of emphasis on the value of hard work and it made me feel weird as I had a terrible attention span and was in reality a low achiever and a poor worker.

I also felt really disconnected from people and tried to talk to them but would just upset them, and this was criticised about me, by peers and teachers. That is probably why I make so much effort to be nice to people.

Lately I have been feeling quite burned out. I dont know if I can be that person who goes out of their way to help others anymore. I still want to help people but will have to do it a bit less.

But, thank you for saying that I helped you when you were feeling down. I knew what it was like to feel really depressed, and I was hoping I was helping by being supportive.

I wonder why you are feeling fatigued, are you eating properly and getting enough sleep? Have you seen a doctor about it?

I think Zen maybe you need to be selfish. I don't know though. Your family life also sounds like it was hard. I came from a lower middle class (if there's such a word for a working class) so it was hard. I don't think you should be the type of person who goes out of her way to help people. To me help is something that is personal. None of us are perfect. I've had to give up most of my volunteer work because it was burning me out. Though I don't know if it was so much the volunteer work or my body. I think we can only do so much. It sounds like you've been living a very stressful life. You may need to be a little selfish. I hope things get better with you.


As for the fatigue. I've had it most of my life. Recently though my appetite's gotten too low so yes I'm not eating like I use to. I just live with it and try to stay away from anything bad or sugary. A doctor would cost a lot. It's a choice between paying rent on time or an expensive visit to a doctor who will likely find nothing wrong. If they do....it'll cost more money which I don't have. So I don't really have much of a choice in this matter. I just live day to day doing as much as I can.

Yes I probably need to learn how to be more selfish. But being selfish in some ways doesnt sit right in my mind. I have been told all my life that being selfish is bad.

I hope one day you figure out what is causing the fatigue, or find something which helps it. Perhaps it is depression, fatigue and depression can come together sometimes. I think it is amazing though that you have managed to stay away from alcohol and drugs as long as you have. Do you still go to meetings?

I don't think you should let accusations bother you zen. I think people like us take accusations too personally, because we feel we have no right to make an accusation about someone else. Hence if they make one about us, we think it has to be true, even though it most probably isn't. I hope you feel better...

I can totally relate, and the problem is, when you are called 'selfish' and 'lazy' and other such things often enough, you start to believe them, and call yourself up on any perceived sign of being those things. I have found that personally. I have walked around totally absorbed in feeling like a selfish and bad person because of having been called that, and being able to see where my traits can make me selfish, even if inadvertently. Yet, I bend over backwards to help, if someone is obviously needing help, and feel guilt if I become aware of having hurt someone. I try and remember those things when I start thinking I am selfish and bad because of my empathy issues.

Yes, of course I know that. I wasn't very clear. Crap personalities don't equal autism! I'm not calling anyone with autism lazy or selfish, I'm just talking about myself. Didn't I say that I don't blame it on aspergers? Especially since I can't officially say I have it. However I will point out that because I ("I" rather than "we" because I don't speak for everyone) have difficulty with a great many things, my "hard work" (in terms of socializing, self-presentation, etc) looks more like laziness and selfishness to other people, who pull of the same things better and with so much less effort. If only they knew just how hard it is for me.

and there is no such thing as someone who "had" mild aspergers. It's not a passing thing, it's something that's in aspies down to their genes. It's not something we can ever put in the past tense, "Oh yeah, I had aspergers a few months ago but I'm okay now!"

But..this is going off-topic. I'm terribly sorry, zen.

Being selfish doesn't necessarily mean that you should stop thinking of others or be "bad." But you deserve a break. For all the stuff you're going through, it's okay if you take time for yourself every day to do something you enjoy or just "recharge." Maybe people would call you selfish, but they wouldn't understand and you need a break.

i_wanna_blue: thanks. I guess I took these accusations to heart as they happened in childhood and I didnt know about AS and ADD then and I didnt understand why it was so easy for others to focus on schoolwork, chores, or learn the piano, and I could not force myself to concentrate.

Graelwyn, thanks, I was often accused of hurting peoples feelings on purpose. I think they thought I was some sort of devil child or something. I guess I knew that I wasnt a bad person but I couldnt understand why everyone seemed to think I was bad.

Thanks, evil_eyes. Yes perhaps I should take some time out.

you sound like you have been mired down by other people's judgements of you, and you have a few layers of social expectations to peel away to find the real you.

i hope that you will give yourself the time and space to really discover and appreciate your true self. i don't think you would find a selfish or lazy person inside of there. you prove it isn't true over and over again with your selfless acts.

these negative voices of our family (or peers) resonate for years, sometimes even indefinitely. it's hard to replace those words with positive voices. it's like those phrases are on a broken record, endlessly repeating. perhaps regularly reminding yourself of the actual good works you have done for people would help you to feel better about yourself and remove some of the negativity.

Yes, I think you are right. Thanks (((((((hyperlexian))))))).

oh crap, i failed a little. it should have been me giving hugs to you. sorry about that.

{{{{{awkward aspie hugs}}}}}

Yeah I know how that is......for me I found the best option was to just quit trying to convince people I am not lazy and selfish. I mean either people will be understanding that you can be forgetful and are not totally active most of the time or they are going to think you are selfish and lazy no matter what you say, if you say anything in your self defense then its an 'excuse' no matter what it is you say.


Its easier said then done, after all its still hard for me to totally not care when people assume things like that.