No motivation to live

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Basically it's becoming more and more painful for me to communicate. Even typing this is getting difficult. I'm not sure my title is the best way to describe my problem. I don't have anywhere else to confront this issue. My whole family is always on my case. They want to believe that I'm improving and doing better. So this is the only place I can vent to a few people who may or may not understand. I'm tired and all I want to do is get away from everyone and relapse. I feel like no matter what I do I'm at the end of the road. Money and mobility is out of the question. I have to rely on my antidepressants that're costly as hell and I wish I could just get off of them. My dad is worried. He thinks I'll slip back and start relapsing into drugs and alcohol as a means for self-medication. And actually he's right. I have been thinking of relapsing again. I've come to the conclusion that there's no way I could get a job that pays enough to live on my own. If I stay on SSI, I can't get a place that's enough to live on my own unless it's in a downtown area. I've seen the places down there and it's a very bad area. On top of that I haven't been able to keep up with anything. I'm so tired all the time and don't feel like eating. My dad's starting to get suspicious. I feel like I've already failed life. Most of it went passed me due to some of the stresses I've had trouble coping. I don't want to end up in a hospital or institution. I don't think I will but in the past, I've had it get me to that point. I don't know if moving would ever solve anything. Living in the midwest has always been something I've had to cope with. There is no reliable transportation in this area. Everything is so spaced out and the mentality of most of the people here is like living in an upper caste society. No one seems to understand why I am at the point I'm at financially. I feel like I can't talk to anyone or be straight up honest. I was born here and my roots are here in Missouri but I don't think I can take it anymore. I just dread talking to anyone because so many of them are snobs or don't get it no matter how much I try to explain to them. Anyway you get my drift....lot's and lot's of issues. I'm surprised if anyone will read this long driveling blog. I just needed a place to vent.

((((((MissConstrue)))) I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I know what you mean about difficulty with accomodation. Here apartments are expensive for one person, so I either would choose between a share house, which would not work for me at the moment,

or a small place in a part of town I dont want to live in. I am also on a very low income and I know people dont understand why I am living with my parents, but I would need a full time job to move out anyway.

My family have also been on my case, but it is taking me so long to iron out my problems, they are so complicated, I dont know where to begin.

Is there any way you can move to another state at some point, somewhere there is cheaper housing and better work options and transport? I have often felt like moving cities as I would like to live in a smaller place that isnt so spread out and suburban.

But I think the bigger concern right now is that you sound like you need a bit of a rest, to take it easy for a while. It is hard to recover from depression when you have all that pressure on you all the time. Easier said than done I know.

Yeah, it looks like the state of Misery has done a payload on your psyche as well. I could relate to so much of this.

Making money is just part of the problem. If I do make ends meet though I'm seriously considering moving but as you said, it's going to be hard especially in a place where I'd have to share rent. I've gone homeless before and sharing a small room with more than one person was almost unbearable. In fact I think it's part of what put me in a hospital. I know most of these places down town have a lot of problems aside from poverty. Drugs is one of my biggest issue since it's cheap and if you're that depressed, you're willing to do anything to alter your mind. I really don't want to go down that road again. I don't know. I feel very trapped in this situation. What's worse is the people that try to help me are the type of people with well paid jobs, clean offices and nice cars who don't get it. I've decided seeing therapists is like seeing the tooth fairy. They're good for a chat but most of their advice is very unrealistic. If there is a place where mobility is easy and it's cheap, I'm willing to give it a try. I really don't want to be around an area though where it's filled with easy access to drugs. I've seen the damage it's done to my brother and some of my family. There's no way I'm playing with the idea.

I think part of figuring it all out is figuring out what to do with life, and where to live. I think that would really help things anyway. Perhaps you wont always live where you do now. There has got to be something better.

It is hard when you get advice from people who have good jobs. One person who is always on my case is my doctor, who I have seen driving in a Mercedes. She is about 2 years younger than me so I have to keep a straight face when she is going on at me, and not facepalm.

*hugs*

Hope you feel better soon.

Wishing you the best MC.

Would it be possible for you to travel around a bit? Do temp jobs (or get some money from family) and live cheaply, not being stuck in one place? I think that would be your best shot at "finding yourself back", if you know what I mean.

I'm so sorry that you feel so down. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

Take advantage of the fact that you live your parents. Ask them to set up an "apartment" within their own home. By living in the "apartment" both you and your family will agree to minimal supervision of your comings and goings. Get a job nearby and start banking money. Perhaps you could offer your parents a little "rent". Not market rate mind you but just a small stipend that says : "The apartment is mine."

I urge you to not self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs. You must resist this. I've seen too many friends and family destroy themselves and their loved ones through drug/alcohol abuse.

If you have a low-paying job, use the time off to excercise. It will help with the depression. It worked for me several times in my life. Winston Churchill suffered from depression and took his frustrations out by chopping wood with an ax.

I'll also admit that when I feel down, I feel better when I go to church. I know that's often a touchy subject but it works for me. YMMV. If that's not your thing, than perhaps volunteering to help those less fortunate will help you feel better.

I do hope things improve for you.
Gene

I don't know. My family, especially mother is doing worse than I am financially. In fact I feel much more guilt for her than I do for myself.

I've never traveled and my problem with the traveling would be the cost and eligibility of transportation. The public transportation here is both very expensive and hard to get.

Last edited by MissConstrue on 23 May 2011, 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you guys.

MissConstrue, I think that all you need is a rest and a break. Perhaps focus on just getting by day to day and learning to shrug off the pressure people put on you.

Depression is something that needs time, space and patience. Unfortunately people dont understand this sometimes.

i agree with this, even though it is probably the opposite of what you want to do. i find that as i sink into depression, i want to get away from my problems by moving away, or i want to retreat into my own inner world by cutting off some communication from the outside world (or i have turned to drugs too). neither option is sustainable, and i end up worse off because i become isolated.

keeping as busy as possible helps me to heal my brain and keeps me from sinking to the lowest points, even though sometimes it takes a ridiculous amount of energy just to get out of bed.

something i should say... i have some money now, but i was destitute for most of my life before the last 2 years (in fact, husband declared bankruptcy 2 years ago)... i was poor to the degree of stealing toilet paper, for example. but if someone saw me now they would think maybe that i am rich and couldn't understand poverty, and it would not be a fair assessment. just something to think about.