Getting old and not getting to live.

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I'm not that old in the grand scheme of things, I'm 27 but I just realised that's nearly 30.
30 is an age when I should have bought a home, gotten a good career, have a husband and be considering kids.

Instead I'm unemployed - have been for three years, I can't even get a voluntary job because I can't get references, because of problems with AS it means finding work is even harder as there are fewer jobs I can go for, I struggle with the phone when employers call me, and even if I get to an interview they know there's something 'wrong' with me. If I do get back into work it'll be a bad job, and I'll not have a career.

Due to unemployment I'm probably never going to even rent privately let alone buy, in fact due to lack of council houses it looks unlikely I'll get any sort of house any time soon because I'm not high enough on the list for the council to ever give me a flat let alone a house, which in turn means no living with my partner and no starting a family. We'll never be able to afford to get married. We've never been on holiday in our lives, barely been out of the city where we live, there's a massive wide world that we'll never get to see. My partner couldn't afford to go to college and I couldn't afford to go to university, we know if we have kids between our situation and the government raising fees or getting rid of ESA that our kids may not get to go into higher education either. I've been gaining weight and can see myself getting older so fast, I feel twice my age due to stress and poor quality of life...my future looks so depressing.

On TV every day I see more to put me down. Benefits being cut. People implying unemployed are lazy or worthless. Younger people given guaranteed jobs and training despite the fact they have more options open to them and often don't have as much of a need for work as those of us who are a little older. How the privileged who get to go to university aren't getting their dream job straight after graduation, yet knowing they're going to be taking the jobs we need in the mean time. Then there is the job centre who force me off one benefit as I'm too disabled, but I'm refused disability benefits as I'm not disabled enough, asperger's/autism is invisible in the UK benefits/employment system. I have a disability adviser who knows nothing about my disability and does nothing to help me, staff who lie about the prejudice they've shown me, I get sent to classes to teach me 2+2 because they don't believe I'm not an idiot, I get pulled off college courses because of some scheme that forces me to sit doing nothing for 13 weeks or forced to work for free, the fact after 4 months I'm still waiting for them to sort out my benefits. Basically EVERYTHING seems to be against me finding work, there's no support, yet the younger people and those who are more privileged seem to get everything handed to them. I don't understand why.

It's not the being unemployed, the fact we are suffering or that no one seems to care that people like us are suffering, it's the fact that being unemployed is screwing with our future. People attack students for protesting about student fees, yet no one seems to realise it's not the students it effects but our children and their futures too, it's putting down working classes...everyone here in the UK should be protesting what the government is doing to vulnerable and working-class people. Getting people into work benefits everyone but the system is designed to keep people out of work, no one in the job centre or DWP seems capable of anything - solve unemployment in one easy step - give those of us who are unemployed the jobs of the job centre and DWP staff because we could sure as hell do a better job! With the economy being as it is I don't understand why people can still blame the unemployed for being out of work. I don't understand why there isn't more of a community amongst disabled people, we are the most screwed-over people in society, the benefits system is a joke, you have to literally be physically and mentally disabled to the point of drooling in a corner to be given disability benefits...so I don't understand why all disabled people don't support each other and fight for our rights. AHHHHH!! !

Beyond the general annoyance of my situation it all boils down to this;
I spent my teens and early twenties struggling with AS, but also struggling to support a bipolar partner and seriously depressed 'foster' daughter/flatmate who were both unable to work, then when my partner and I split I was left homeless for three years. It seems as though between being homeless and being unemployed for so long now that this has been my twenties - I should have been enjoying my twenties, I haven't had a chance to. Don't get me started on how guilty I feel now my partner is missing out on his twenties too due to my unemployment.

I hate seeing people in their early twenties and realising I'm getting old, seeing that famous people are still in their twenties yet have achieved so much, and knowing that basically once you're out of your twenties it seems you're no longer of any relevance. I KNOW that it could be worse and I'm just being whiny...which in itself is yet another problem to make me feel like s**t...but I just feel so depressed about everything right now, it's so hard to carry on when it all seems so pointless, what was supposed to be the best part of my life has been wasted and the rest of my life will be spent in poverty, struggling, stuck in a rut...I'll be like the tired people I see around me in poor areas where I've lived, there's just no life left in them.

I had such a great future, I was so smart and could have been anything, I had so much potential, so much life, talent, a wonderful little light inside me that could have seen me achieve such great things, been so great...now that little light is a big deep dark hole in my centre that I'm free falling into without any way of holding on and dragging myself back up. I want to snap out of this, drag myself back up, come to terms with getting older and do something positive with my life, but there seems to be no way and I don't know how to change that. I was ALWAYS cheery, never depressed, always happy, now I'm never anything but depressed, miserable, dead in comparison to how I was and how I should be right now. I feel so old, I look around and see what I will become, an old poor woman with little value in society.

In the past what'd gotten me through hard times has been hope, but with the future looking so dim it's hard to keep-up hope.
Unfortunately there is still enough hope to stop me from ending it all right now, I still want to live but this that I've got now isn't a life!

I understand how you feel, as I am in the same boat. I feel like I will die in old age with nothing to say except "I wasted my life"

All I can offer you is my sympathy. I don't have any advice

I think your post reflects many of the experiences and difficulties of adults with AS. Few of us ever got to experience those life events and milestones that most people take for granted as being just part of life.

I was also quite poor as a teenager and young adult and I never really understood why my age group at the time was such a targeted marketing segment because I certainly didn't have any money to spare for anything other than food or living expenses. If I wanted to wear stylish clothes or makeup at the time, and had friends to go out with, I wouldn't have been able to afford it.

I have also been very frustrated by the lack of awareness of adults with AS and lack of familiarity with AS in the general public.

In the US, resources for adults with AS, such as access to affordable assessment testing, age appropriate social, workplace, and relationship skills courses, and skill appropriate job placement programs are practically non-existent.

The few programs that are available, are, as you have said, money making rackets, which do a rather poor job as disguising themselves as anything but such, and prey on parents of growing children with AS who have been so overprotective as to actually inhibit their child's ability to care for themselves.

There is also very little effort to familiarize employers with AS, on the subject of which, you do not actually have a disability that make you unable to work. There are many things you do quite well, better than most, and I'm sure you know this. You simply have the misfortune of living in a society of employers who don't understand you work a little differently and are actually an excellent employee if given the time to acclimate yourself, and are allowed to work your own way at your own pace.

So what can be done about this?

Well, realize that somewhere out there is a job you not only can do, but like. The challenge is finding it.

You can also write letters to whichever government authority is sending people with AS to these inappropriate "2+2" programs, outline how they are inappropriate, and what needs to be done to change this. Try to actually meet with the people who are in charge of deciding the structure of these programs.

You can also realize that while being younger is more glamorous in society, that being older has the benefit of being taken more seriously, and trusted to be responsible.

You can also realize that a lot of those people who have the spouse, house, car, boat, and so on, either have relationship problems, or are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and it will collapse on them eventually. I realized this one day when I was trying to figure out how to make it the next three weeks with only $60 of food money....well $60 of any money. I looked out the window at the $600,000 tract houses with boats, RV's and SUV's in the driveways and realized, I was the only one on the street who wasn't hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and that was a very nice realization. Very soon after, many of those people lost their jobs, houses, boats, cars, and still owed the money.

And last, you can realize, you're not old yet. You are probably no better off financially than most younger people in this economy, and you do deserve to have some fun in life. Fun doesn't have to be expensive. What is something you've wanted to do that you consider fun?

I have found that the clergy are excellent sources of refuge and assistance. Christianity mandates that the paramount directive of a Christian is to 1)Love God with all your heart (even if it's a tiny speck of faith, and faith like muscles takes alot of time to work on a slow communion I find is best then a jumping up and down fire one especially for Aspies). 2) Love others as you love God. Therefore, perhaps stopping by your local church, spending a session of many sessions with him or her, (Priests arn't there just for confession. They're there to help you, you'd find that they have wonderful contacts to find people who do help you, and they will encourage you. Because ultimately they are responsible for promoting the faith and helping people slowly come back to church. (fellowship), or just doing the right thing.

For instance, the Immergration aid, helps immergrants readjust to their new homes. (and this is a very freaky thing. You go from one world to a completely weird world, where everything is backwards. In mycase from Canada to China, and I know it's likewise from China to Canada-America. nobody speaks your space alien language, the roads are different. You know nobody. You are alone, the signs are written in some space language (I personaly love Tibetan, or Mongolian or Ughirstani script).

The Knights of Columbus was designed to really really help those who are vulnerable like this, by an Irish American. Then through the church through, safe structure, and sancuary of being in a embassy of the kingdom of compassion, you can slowly find the steps and build the foundations. Regardless of sect.

Sometimes Christians or any relgion gets a bad rep, of being a organization that promotes ignorance, sectarian violence, and ignorance, but what about people who are vunerable in society? It's very much like Aspergers, you have nobody to turn to, the world doesn't know how to help you and is too busy with more important issues, (which is why it's hurting alot). People who want to help you don't know how, and they want NT people to work with. Who helps the elderly? The war veterans, the homeless cats and dogs, children? volunteers do.

As Aspies, we are in this world as refugees almost, it's the "Wrong planet", and we're looking for compassion to help adjust so we can make the best of a crazy situation. Being stranded on a wacky world of war like wackiness.

So try that, I find the most painful thing to do in therapy is actually go into the head, and try to resolve some of these painful stressful issues. But you're younger. This good, it hurts the chest, but for older Aspies like me this theapy stuff is really hard on the heart. But it must get done. What better people to do it with, than people who want to help you, and are TRAINED to help you. Social work is part of their priest training. Priests, do more than just give a sermon, and give blessings out. They are trained to psychologically detox all this stress.

I also would like you to consider this meditation. Picture all your crappy times and yes even the ones you inadvertably caused. (no catholic guilt here, we're all just flawed. We make mistakes, it's not the end of the world, just be mindful in the future that's all, and slowly slowly iron them out, I don't subscribe to all this "Lord Forgive me for all the sins I failed to do, etc etc etc". He knows you try and slowly go to him is ok. He takes great pleasure. anyways, try to remember all the S times in life, and then imagine that Jesus is there trying hard to vacume it up. or he's there sending his loving vibes. I tried this at a Pre-world youth day thing, and Then I actually cried alot. (I'm an Aspie remember? I'm a robot), but it was relaxing. No shame in it, crying feels good releases endorphines, endorphines make you feel less stressed.

So do that, bloodheart.

About all this getting old stuff. I'm 35, all I can pretty much afford is a nice comfy mid sized small house. But this is the beauty of it. Saftey, security, self esteem, (what better way to show love for your spouse and kids by providing them a safe home, where there are opportunities to access ways to try and experience a wealth of meaningful enrichment? This internet, this wikipedia can help your children access so many initatives. For me this is my "American dream". well that and some outdoor vechicles so I can explore the outdoors, ie a boat. Then I crafted by hand, and I build a hand made computer for my kids-family. And pets. These things will happen. And in such a nurturing enviroment as a spritual community, or any friendly healthy community, for this matter you can find a partner who helps and WANTS you to nuture your mind and your heart. What better way to show your love than helping your partner learn and explore the world?

The advances of modern medicen, also helps us live longer lives, healthier lives, so we can explore and enlighten ourselves to prepair for the ultimate of all intellectual existance. Full communion with the mind and heart of God. Heaven is just one larger community, think about family THERE...Just cultivate a personality of childlike youthful, stimulated mind. Like a 4 year old nerd boy or girl, before mean spirited and ignorant bullies, scared this out. Geek out like Goofy Goober on Sponge Bob movie. (It's a trip watching that ending in CHINESE. Still the message captivates the kids watching it, ummm dim sum, Saturday morning cartoon movie). The mean spirited rich super powerful A.H's, can have this world and all the wealth.

Like we Christians get a bad rep being nosy, crabby, arrogant, and "moralistic". I'm a better Christian, because I tithed bazillion to build a basicillica. Ok fine, but is that why you wanted to build a catherdral, or was it because you wanted a facility to help the Clergy reach out, to be better organized to fight this war against fear and ignorance? Do you honesty want this world for your neighbor a world where if they're hurting, they can take refuge as a war refugee in this embassy, and apply for Asylum, and eventually immergrate to safety? (figuratively speaking). God did not give you the wealth, you gave yourself the wealth (not you, as in you YOU, figurative). Do you give because you want to look good, to support God's government to bring comfort to refugees, to give them hope as they rebuild their lives, do they have faith that these churches are really beach heads and bases against these forces of darkness.

It's not about being constantine, with crossbows, and heavenly swords. Lao Tsu said, the best warrior are those who win, who dont fight. And the Clergy wants YOU to win and will help you. It's not necessary about going to heaven, but making you feel better helping you to grow intellectually and emotionally! Give them a call!

Wait to you hit 40.

But the Canadians have mastered Stem Cells research, and is going to start captalizing on this whole aging craze,of the baby boomers. Soon they'll enjoy their retirement as 21 year olds, while their kids (Generation X), has to work, and freeze in an office. Parental revenge,,,,,ohhhhhh burn.

The Baby boomers won't be giving us their retirement funds. This upsets the natural order balance. But they say, the 40s are the new 30s.

I turn 55 tomorrow and will qualify for senior citizen's discounts. In so many ways I still feel like a kid. Larry the Cable Guy said when he is asked why he looks so young he replies "its because I read at a second grade level"

Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I fear less dying than dying without hitting the same social milestones as everyone else.

I'll be 32 this year, never had a relationship w/anyone, never had sex, can't drive, don't have a proper career or a house or anything like that. I don't necessarily want these things. I just wanna know how it feels to have them.

I just turned 31 a few days ago.
In my opinion, I think this current 'youth craze' is largely to blame for the fact that many people feel 'forgotten about' once they go past a certain age. Much music and tv shows like to hype about teens and early twenty-somethings, as if the world is supposed to revolve around them only and everyone else who is older is no longer relevent.

This is a form of narcissism. But this was the same way with the baby boomers, too, when they were teens. They truely thought they were some big stuff, until the reality of life eventually showed it's ugly head. Now they had to 'grow up,' and many of them are maturing.

27 isn't 'too late.' I am planning to go into college with the help of grants ( as I quite low-income) and try to become a police officer. I don't know what the future holds, but I am not done yet. I have a hard time socializing, but I want to try at any rate.

And just because you are 27 doesn't mean that having children isn't going to be an option. Many people have them in their twenties, and quite a few (as seems to be the trend nowadays) end up having them in their thirties. I thought I would be married by now too, but it's not too late for me either. And it took me years to find a job, but I did find one, though it felt like an eternity, and I thought I'd never get one


Hope this helps

Sympathies Bloodheart. I'm in a similar boat.

I know it's not easy, but I've just accepted that I don't have many of those things right now; job, relationship, money, car, place of my own etc. etc.

I just try to focus on making small improvements here and there. It's definitely good to have something that gives a sense of meaning and purpose to one's life.

Living in the present and not making comparative judgements between myself and others helps. I get a lot out of my Buddhist practices and the teachings I've received.

Hope things improve for you. Best wishes.

I hear ya. I'm turning 28 soon and as much as I still feel like it's just the beginning of all the adult fun that I'm gonna have, every day seems shorter than the other. it frightens the s**t out of me, especially since I tend to space out and can spend hours in such suspension, then notice it's middle of the night again. I can't believe it's f*****g March almost, it seems like you come back from the New Year's party and bam! winter's almost over. and then another.

here's a thought - every year you pass the aniversary of your death without even knowing it. that's creepy as hell.

I don't care about all the components of a "normal" life that I don't have, I just worry I'll never manage to accomplish anything now that my time had become an F1 racer.

as soon as i stopped mourning for normalcy, i felt a little bit better. "holland" is just fine for me. "a man's gotta know his limitations" [said in a husky high-plains low-tenor], and the sooner one lowers one's expectations of reality to that existential level which one actually rates, the sooner the acute suffering will end. the chronic suffering which comes afterwards, is another matter. at night i lull myself to sleep with wafting reveries of heaven, and that helps to keep me sane, helping me in maintaining the awareness that i am just down here on earth in this particular mediocre lifetime, for a relatively short visit, in the grand scheme of things. as long as there is heaven, then the onus of sanity [absense of disabling angst] is not on this particular life or even a grand hifalutin' life - "even lifestyles of the rich and famous" looks like abject poverty next to heaven" - this thought helps me stay sane during the day. a guy can put up with a lot of crap as long as that man knows he is just biding his time, for something worlds better to follow in brighter realms above.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpiIWMWWVco[/youtube]
It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why Wonder,
I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful
And I think it's what I want to be

well i hate to be overly positive, as im in the same boat, and turning 29 in about 2 months, and well my mindset and my goals have become much clearer over the last year or so. i dont have much to speak for myself, single, a virgin, a low paying job, no close friendships, no long history of successful romantic relationships, no kids, no house of my own, and a car that will probably not last much past summer. but im making changes and change is happening to me that is out of my control. i will be once again unemployed in about a month as my store is being closed down. so i have to make anew and look for new possibilites, new opportunities, and its scary as hell and sad, depressing and sure its not going the way i want it. but i guess its that fear that i will pass into mid 30s and still be in the same spot, alone, low wage job, and all that life goal stuff. so im making the best of it.

if we keep doing what we can and doing the best with what we have and can do with and are still able to laugh and smile from time to time, then thats all we should really concentrate on. sure it sucks and i have no advice on how others should go about it, but you are not alone in this feeling.