would you read a person's diaries post-suicide?

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i have about 5 years of my mother's diaries in my possession. one of my sisters read the diaries after our mother's suicide, and the other sister plans to do so but has not yet found the strength.

it is important to my sisters to read them because they want to understand more about our mother's struggle and decline. i am not sure if i should read the diaries because... well, i can't change the situation. my mother is already dead. so i cannot help her. but perhaps it would help me to know her a little better?

the sister who already read them found that there were some negative things about us in the diaries. but she said the overwhelming feeling from reading the diaries was extreme, unrelenting loneliness.

our mother did leave a suicide note and had multiple attempts before she finally succeeded, so we were not in the dark about the situation, but we were not really privy to her thoughts either.

my question to you is... would you read the diaries?

If she didn't want you to read them, she wouldn't have written them. Why write something if you don't expect it to be read by someone?

yes, she planned out her suicide quite carefully and did not destroy her diaries this time. about 5 years ago she destroyed some older diaries prior to a suicide attempt.

i see what you are saying, but why would she want us to read them?

I don't know. I don't write diaries so I can't answer that question accurately. All I know is that if there's something I don't want anyone to know, I wouldn't write it. Did she really think that someone wouldn't come across it at some point in the future and start reading?

If I decided that at some point in my future I was going to kill myself the first thing i would do is to start writing a diary, telling the story of my last few years on earth, and I would want my mother and siblings to read it a month after I died.

I think I would speak well of all of them, it's making me tearful even thinking about, I've been through a lot and they've tried their best.

I think everyone should write a diary at some point in their lives.

that makes sense. so your diary would be almost like a life story or a prolonged note for people to read. that sounds quite a bit nicer.

I probably would out of curiousity, but I'd feel guilty too. I'd also dread about reading negative things about myself...

the things people leave behind when they want to die are always the same. i would figure that i already knew what it would be like.

(((hugs))) hun I feel the key question here is do you feel it would help you with grieving for losing your mother?
I could imagne that your mum had a lot of dark times in her life due the issues she faced, it would be distressing to read and same to give you understanding about how your mum felt at the time. In some respects its you mother talking to you in the present moment.

Lene, that was part of my reluctance. my sister told me most of what it said about me already, i think. i wish i didn't know that part, so i do worry about reading other things.

aspie48, it's true that there would not be too many surprises i think.

cdfox7, thanks for the hugs. i think you did hit the most important question right there. keeping in mind the survivors (i.e. me), will it help me to read there? i am not so sure.

her words would be very much "in the present", you are correct. that is a scary thought, to give her that much power over me, and i would have a hard time erasing what i read.

That must have been kind of awkward. I think in that case, I'd have had to read it for myself to see the context (it may not be as bad as it sounds once taken out of it). That's just me though- I find being in the dark way more uncomfortable than most truths.

np hun, your sister who read them has she talk with you & other sister in dealt about there content?
Do you forgive your mum for what she did?
Destroying diaries might help all three of you to erase the hard times

Well sure I would. It's not an invasion of privacy if the person is dead. I would check what the person wrote against what I already knew, and see how much I got right. For me, that would be kind of exciting because it deals with my special interest.

no, only in general, for the most part. except i sort of mused out loud if there was anything in there about me, and she told me about a couple of specifics that dealt with me. nothing positive or nice.


no.


actually that is a good idea. i may consider that. i have my grandmother's diary, and diaries from my grandfather during the war, so i it feeels sort of wrong to get rid of diaries... yet for my sisters and i it may be a good thing for us to do together.


Mindslave, that would work if it was the diaries of a cousin or a distant relative, but i can tell you absolutely that a parent's diaries are charged with emotion when they have met a violent end. the diaries chronicle her decline, and i don't think it is possible to be completely emotionless or logical about the contents.

((((hyperlexian))))) it is so sad.. I personally think that she might have wanted you and your sisters to read her diaries as it might give you insight into what happened. I imagine it would be very hard to do though so I guess you have to think about whether you think it would be helpful to you or not.