Well, it had to end...

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Since February/early March I've had a very good period in life, though I guess it was all an act, and at the same time has made me look like a fool, saying right here in the past that what you see is what you get.

Well, today the good period ended, as things in the back of my mind have come to the fore. In these six months I have transformed from a very sensitive, insecure, depressive nervous wreck, which prevented me from doing most things such as going anywhere on my own, having confidence in myself, being motivated to do pretty much anything productive, and being able to make such as a single post here on these forums without intense fear. All those changed in the past six months, but I've sort of come to the realisation that despite all this, I still am no further than anyone who takes these extraordinary feats in my eyes, for granted. In fact, I am still far behind. I can walk short stretches alone, but cannot take public transport alone or handle financial transactions easily (such as paying for something in a shop, or ordering a meal), though it is markedly better than before. I do usually have confidence in myself and am motivated more than half the time, and I feel I can now post freely here. But despite many positive social interactions with many people, I feel as isolated as ever, and writing this brings tears to my eyes for the first time since winter, when I was last depressed.

I'm not sure where I go from here. I'm not sure if anyone will even take any interest in this, and I am not sure if I will regret this post in future. I am unsure as to whether my position on this website or beyond is now untenable, but, I wanted to get this out.

Ah, but at least we do not take them for granted.


Focus on helping others yet to get even this far.


Congratulations.


Life is a bittersweet experience.


Good ... and please do keep on.

Well, I probably will keep on, whether it falls on deaf ears or not.
I feel completely alien in this world, and you may say that that is normal for people with AS, but I feel just the same on here and in real life at AS youth clubs I attend.
Why? Everywhere around me people are smiling and enjoying themselves. I join in, but I'm never truly happy or involved, no matter what. I don't even know the meaning of happiness, what it feels like. And then people talk about things I do not understand or grasp at all, such as famous people or television. This applies to pretty much everyone I've seen, AS or NT. And then they go onto their handheld gizmos which I find completely alien in themselves. I can't talk to people about things that keep conversations going, so I'm left to fall back on my interests which nobody else shares. I try to be warm, friendly and likeable, online and offline, and I feel I often succeed, but I never feel that any progress is made and always feel like I need to do more - constantly. And this burns me out. I do not know how to counter it.
Finally, I have this overwhelming feeling that I am helping others with AS out in real life, but I'm not progressing anywhere myself. It just feels like a hopeless venture, and that everyone around me is moving on, and I'm just stuck here forever.
I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense, but just in case anyone was wondering, I do not feel depressed in the sense, just sad.

The meek shall inherit the earth.

I have gone through periods like this of which you speak. Sometimes I will get the idea that I am on top of things, competent and convincing others that I am normal. Then everything just slides into place and I realize that I am not much better at some things than I was when I was a child. Balance is the key. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished, and encouragement to hang in there to go a little further each day. At least you have insight into yourself.

I appreciate your replies, but I'm not sure what good they will do, as today has proven that everything can be towards the positive - progress towards doing things everyone else can do, a very supportive family, a supportive and positive circle of people around me, yet I'm here, spilling my woes out in the Haven. I think I'm just strange. I do sometimes have bad days, but this one was the worst for a while, and perhaps it came as a shock to the system. Not long ago I considered myself pathetic and a sorry excuse of a person. Whilst that is now not the case, I don't feel like I could survive in the real adult world, but I shall keep on until the bitter end (hopefully).

aw don't feel that way, you're a good kid:)

I sometimes feel a bit out of place even here too. things i say usually kill conversations and a lot of what people talk about makes me feel stupid or inferior, even though I am reasonably intelligent really.

It sounds like you're making good, steady progress but just having a bit of a low day. just keep at it.
I often find things that other people think nothing of as a challenge, and have to remind myself to feel proud when I achieve them instead of just feeling pathetic because it was a challenge in the first place

Well I guess in another way I feel bad, because I've tried to be myself as much as possible, but sometimes I've come across wrong or got a little carried away with things.
I don't really know what I'm saying anymore, but when I look back at how things have been in the past, I get upset. That and the aforementioned feelings of today caused this crash. I hope all will be well tomorrow, because I want to be positive, and I want to instil positivity in other people here. I'm doing everything I can here, though I just feel it's not enough.

you don't have to be positive all the time. concetrate on what you think of people, not what they think of you

Well, it's hard for me to do that due to past experiences, but, I'll try.

me too lol. get me, dishing out all this advice i can't even follow

Yeah, I'm guilty of that too.
Well, I feel I have the will to continue. This wasn't the case long ago, in fact, this wasn't the case somewhat just an hour ago. I sometimes go down a little in the late afternoon, but yeah, I did break down in tears earlier which definately isn't consistent of these. This past year, if I was to sum it up in one word, that word would be "frustration".

Keep in mind, TenPencePiece, that you are going through Adolescence. This is a challenging and alarming time where you are trying to figure out who you are, and where you fit in the grand scheme of things. You haven't learned your parameters yet, so you get stressed over certain things a lot more than someone twice your age. You are a work in progress. And, I think you are on the right track with a lot of things. It's hard to see it from your perspective, I know.

Well yes, I think stress is the issue here.
I've worked myself to the limit in some thing or another pretty much this past week, resulting in very late nights and sometimes lost sleep (though not last night). Plus, there are exams on Monday and Friday, and whilst I'm likely to pass, there is obviously that added pressure, and because I've been out of school for over two years, that is only amplified.

You've made good progress and you shouldn't make light of it. Yes I know compared to others it's perhaps not seen as much, but to you it is, and that's all that matters. I'm so far behind everyone my own age when it comes to simple things like going shopping and being outgoing and independent. I know comparing ourselves to others is all too easy, but we really shouldn't. I know it's difficult and I struggle with it too, but just try to improve at your own pace, and keep yourself happy.

Well, in the past (not so much now, but still to a degree) my life was so restricted I could do nothing but, and the sheer frustration of wanting to change but not being able to, at least not quickly, coupled with, I guess winter blues, and other things, made the time up until March very depressing.

I feel better than I did earlier. Talking about stuff like this in public isn't like me.