Autism, Emotion, Sympathy, Empathy, Whatever!

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ou know what's annoying? I see everyone sympathizing with each other when they have problems. For me, I can't feel sympathy as well as others can, or empathy, I mix the two up. If someone comes to tell me a problem, I can't help them. I don't feel anything and I can't give advice. They see I'm "blank" and see I'm "heartless". Sometimes I feel selfish for this, like I only care about my own problems. Sometimes it is that way. It gets worse when I get irritated with the person ranting.

Last year, my then friend failed a final and was upset because she had her summer privileges taken away. I didn't feel anything nor could I provide advice, sympathy, or a shoulder to cry on. I was, as I said earlier, blank. I knew she could sense this and had a gut feeling she now thought lower of me. People would think differently of me when witnessing my apathy and wonder "what's wrong with her?"

You know what's worse? When I expect others to listen to me when I'm upset. I feel like a heartless hypocrite, something I never want to be.

We have a class devoted to the Holocaust. We watched documentaries that featured the filling of mass-graves and whatnot. Girls gasped. I didn't. I barely felt a thing while others asked, "Ms. (Name), how could they do that?". I don't think what the Nazis did was right, but watching pixels dance across a screen didn't do a thing.

When Japan was dealing with the tsunami+earthquake, everyone felt sympathy and whatnot. I felt nothing. What is wrong with me? Do other Aspies/Auties feel the same way and question why this is?

Anyone? Seriously?

NO rather i am annoyed by it. I feel that many people only show empathy for fear of being judged as heartless.
Do you really think that people show the same amount of empathy when nobody is their to judge them on it.
Many experiments showed that people don't laugh out loud when watching a comedy but in a group they laugh out loud frequently. Empathy is just another tool for people to work towards their goals.

I feel that people show empathy on moments where they can be held accountable for not showing it. I see tons of people throwing their garbage on the street when they think nobody is looking, or just pass a homeless guy or street musician like he is not there.

Don't feel bad because you never know what people are truly feeling. People are trained to present themselves in a positive light. If the situation calls for a sensitive person then most people will try to show that because not showing it will be viewed negatively by their peers.

Many times i feel that people are acting overly sensitive because others are doing it, for instance when 5 people die in my country it is overly dramatized and you cant stop hearing about it for weeks, the whole country is in ''crisis''.
But nobody spends ONE word about the thousands of people starving everyday. I says its mostly a charade.
Try seeing how people behave when they are clear from social influence. Helping people without getting credit for it that is empathy.

I agree with TB.


My approach to handling this is the study of ethics, the branch of philosophy dealing with how we should act. I force myself to always act in an ethically sound way, which includes stepping in to help when I realize that somebody needs it. This is my way of compensating for the lack of emotional connectedness.

Why pretend if people know it's not what you really feel?

I have too much empathy. I feel the agony and discomfort of everyone, even when it's not real... like actors in movies. I will cry over commercials. I threw up at Auschwitz and while I certainly wasn't the only one to get that upset, it bothers me that I cannot stop myself from getting so worked up so much. I create attachments to people when I shouldn't. I invest too much into people when they haven't returned the investment, then they treat me like I'm nothing. The rejection hurts quite a bit. And, too often, people are not there for me in the capacity that I need them to be. I don't go searching very often (internet posts don't count because I'm not silly enough to reach out for the real soul-crushing stuff I feel and experience on the internet) but when I do need somebody, I'm left very alone. What's more is that I cannot manufacture a false bravado of indifferent and apathy if I tried. Even people I clearly don't like because they've hurt me, I still care and feel bad if bad things happen to them. I try really hard to have schadenfreude but it never lasts.

Instead of trying to fake compassion, try instead of work on your friend's thinking. Using the example you provided of your friend who had her summer privileges revoked, you could ask questions. "What are you still allowed to do?" and "Are you still allowed to stay out until [typical curfew time]?" This will show interest - because I'm sure you find the information valuable about your friend's summer restrictions because it does partly affect you if you should decide to spend time with her - and it will also help her to refocus on what she still has, rather than the things she cannot change. Say quite rational things like, "That sucks." because even if you don't care that it happened to her, it is something that would generally suck. You can be a good friend without pretending to be someone you're not.

And, yes, if you fail to show an effort of interest or see any value in what a friend is experiencing, that will be reciprocated. Affection is sometimes not reciprocated but it's a sure bet that negativity and rejection will always be returned at an increased rate.

No offense, TB, but since the OP doesn't really consider this topic to be a personal matter (they've cross-posted in different parts of the forum), I don't really care to participate in it anymore, especially with my own sharing. This is my choice.