I feel like s**t right now

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Joined: 7 Jan 2011
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08 Jun 2011, 3:37 pm

Bastard OCD and schizoaffective disorder killing my day all of a sudden.

Will I ever actually like or love my dad? I don't know. I can't stand him - I know that much. I was at his house, and he wasn't even there, but felt severe anxiety.... and paranoia little on the way back. Still don't have my act together... and I'm f*****g 40 years old.

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Friesland = a province in the Netherlands. Pronounced so that it rhymes the English word "free" (not "fry"). I live in the USA, but I have a Frisian surname and all-Dutch ancestry. Just a minor Aspie obsession of mine.

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 3:59 pm

I just talked to a mental health worker about this. She says therapy would be helpful. Screw that. In order to bring up how I'm feeling right now with a therapist, I feel like I'd have to perseverate on this for days. I don't want to do that.

gailryder17
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08 Jun 2011, 4:02 pm

What do you mean by "your act"? Are you talking about having a job, a decent apartment, ect? Clearly define this.

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 4:06 pm

gailryder17 wrote:

What do you mean by "your act"? Are you talking about having a job, a decent apartment, ect? Clearly define this.

I guess what I meant by my act is that is that my life is f****d up in many ways - my (bad) relationship with my dad, that I don't have a job, etc. I do have a place to live, a mobile home, but I felt like s**t coming back to it today because he owns it.

OneStepBeyond
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08 Jun 2011, 4:19 pm

oh it's you. with a different picture.

what's wrong with your dad?

all_white
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08 Jun 2011, 4:21 pm

*hug*

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 4:25 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

oh it's you. with a different picture.

what's wrong with your dad?

There's nothing really wrong with him. I just don't get along with him the way I'd like--partly because he's driven and impatient and I can't live up to that and partly because of my obsessional/delusional thoughts about him.

OneStepBeyond
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08 Jun 2011, 4:27 pm

Frieslander wrote:

partly because of my obsessional/delusional thoughts about him.

what are these?

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 4:30 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

Frieslander wrote:

partly because of my obsessional/delusional thoughts about him.

what are these?

abuse that probably didn't happen - why would have it happened to me and not my brother and sister?

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08 Jun 2011, 4:32 pm

have you asked people whether it may have happened

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 4:34 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

have you asked people whether it may have happened

My brother and sister know about this. They don't think it happened to them. It's delusional/obsessional.

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08 Jun 2011, 4:36 pm

im confused. you know they're delusional/obsessive but you still hold them against him?

why are things suddenly worse today?

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 4:42 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

im confused. you know they're delusional/obsessive but you still hold them against him?

why are things suddenly worse today?

It's hard to argue with schizoaffective thoughts. Sorry, very hard to explain.

As for today.... I don't know. I maybe I'm just more realistic with my thoughts today. Or maybe I haven't gotten out of my own home and visited them enough lately, and today being the first time in a while triggered it. Or, maybe it's my lack food today.

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08 Jun 2011, 4:45 pm

sorry for not understanding

sounds like you've just had a bit of an overload day. eat boy!

Frieslander
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08 Jun 2011, 5:01 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

sorry for not understanding

sounds like you've just had a bit of an overload day. eat boy!

might have something to do with Nuvigil. I've only been on it since yesterday morning. I feel OK when I have it in my system when I'm alone, but maybe it has an effect on how I feel about my parents.

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08 Jun 2011, 5:26 pm

Frieslander wrote:

OneStepBeyond wrote:

im confused. you know they're delusional/obsessive but you still hold them against him?

why are things suddenly worse today?

I am sorry ((((((Frieslander))))) have you ever thought of slowly transitioning into full time work? That is what I am doing, I am working part time right now. I havent worked full time since April 2008, though I have worked part time since.

As for schizoaffective thoughts, I read an interesting article the other day about how to deal with thoughts and voices, I will see if I can find something about it online.

Please dont feel bad about all this. I dont have my s**t together either and I am nearly 34.

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