my deceased mother's birthday

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today is my mom's birthday, or it was. it's the first one since her suicide in December.

as far back as i can remember, i was surrounded by the things she made. she didn't express her love very well with words or physical affection, nor was she particulary kind or patient at times, but she showed her love with her masterpieces. in her later years, when she became somewhat distant or estranged from her family, she crocheted blankets and donated them to homeless people.

my mother was so intensely creative her whole life, i am feeling a deep and piercing sadness that she will never again create anything with her hands.

i wrote a blog post about it too, but my blog has mostly strangers or family reading it, so i wanted to talk about it here too. this is kind of a tribute to her, i guess. i spent several hours scanning old photographs and sobbing the whole time.


here are a few of the beautiful things i remember, along with a little background:



we called this the "Bug Quilt". she traditionally used scraps from old clothes in her patchwork quilts, or remnants from sewing projects.

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my Christmas dress at age 4. my mom made a Christmas dress for me and my sisters most years until we reached adolescence.

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this was her wall hanging called "Sisters". she grew up in a household of 3 sisters, and she had 3 daughters herself. this was her showpiece when she was selling her quilted items at craft shows.

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my mother sold these puppy dog quilts at the craft fairs. the Scotty dogs are freehand machine appliqued onto white fabric and the quilt is hand tufted.

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my mother crocheted this scarf for herself using a very fine hook. she hand-dyed it with coffee or tea.

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i remember my mother tatting lace to keep her hands busy, especially after she quit smoking. a few years ago she started tatting again after a long absence, and this was one sample piece. i always meant to sew it onto something, but i didn't have any clothing that looked delicate enough.

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my mother sewed me a beautiful flapper dress. i wore it to death, and in this picture i am about to enter in a contest to win a trip to New Orleans. i didn't win, and my mother was so disappointed that I didn't strut my stuff better or ham it up on the makeshift catwalk. but i was the first entrant, and i didn't think to do that until the other women went up to perform.

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she sewed my wedding dress. my mother also sewed a matching outfit for my daughter, 3 bridesmaids' dresses, and her own dress. she also cut my hair, constructed my bouquet, printed the invitations, and baked/decorated my cake (i helped with that part).

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this sweater was one of the last things she made for me. she used a lot of bright of bright colours because she knew how much i loved them, and she arranged the rows randomly as i don't like regular fixed patterns. in my mind, the pale grey-green at the top will always be "Smokey's Eyes Green", as she named the colour after her favourite cat's eyes.


thanks for walking down memory lane with me. it's been a hard day.

((((hugs))))). It must be a difficult day for you, but it's great you and your mom had a positive side to your history. In today's times that's pretty rare. I hope everything works out and you feel a bit better.

sorry to hear that lex:(

i really enjoyed reading your post though. looking at people's old photographs is one of my most favourite things ever. i think it's nice that you have such special, personal things to remind you of her too- i'm sentimental so love stuff like that. And some good memories despite everything

(((((((hugs)))))))

It's obvious that your mother was a very talented person and she brought a lot of beauty into this world. I think it's great that you have so many beautiful memories of her. It is important to stick with those once we lose someone very close to us. I am sorry about the pain you're going through and I hope you find some new strength in the memories of the special moments you shared. Take care of yourself.

thank you. we did have a positive side, and sometimes remembering that is sadder than just thinking of the bad things. i don't know why it is that way.

thanks, yes - she was very talented. and very intelligent too.


i appreciate that. i like to write stuff so i'm glad it was nice to read also. she used to design me quite a lot of fashions, and i have kept a number of them. they will always be special to me.


and i am happy to have all those hugs too. thank you.

Trust me when I say she made much better things in her life than you give credit to here.

Hope you feel better.

Awww!!

thank you, and also thank you. that is an amazing thing to say.

It's good you're celebrating the good things about her, remind yourself the best of her is still here no matter what in the form of her family.

Well I found out about this some hours ago but I still cant figure out what to say.

I read your blog entry about her and your sister´s entries as well(I had a lot of time in my hands back then) and it seems that she was an amazing woman.

´{{{hugs}}}

I'll amid this hyperlexian hun while reading your OP about my mother as was crying.
((((hugs)))) be kind to yourself and your sisters today as it will be a changeling day get thought.
Believe me over the years my own grandmother's birthday is changeling to get though of my family & I
I'll sent you some Reiki to give you a helping hand

yeah, that's true. she also passed on some of her knowledge and skills and enthusiasm for creativity too.


it is a big turning point today. i accepted a lot of things that i couldn't handle before. well, it is still devastating to really look closely at some things, but a month ago i couldn't even admit any good things could be true about my mother. it is easier to just be angry than to remember someone as a whole being, with both positives and imperfections. thanks for your support.


thank you, spongy.
there were links to my sisters' pages from my blog, so i was inviting people to read those. i am glad that you did. my sisters were better able to articulate their thoughts when i was just a mass of sadness, so in order to get a better perspective it would have been good to read those.

Great I got the feeling that you were doing some emotional decultting. mmm...I had a few insights what I'll will say in public is this start taking note of what you hear and the thoughts that come to you from out of the blue, someone is helping you & you know who they are YVW hun am only too happy to be of support to you

(((((hugs))))))

I'll be feeling the same way when Dec 23 rolls around.

thank you, wefunction. i appreciate your support, a lot.


ok, i shall pay attention to all random thoughts that pop into my head.

hyperlexian

Thank you for sharing your thoughts , your mother's creative side is certainly evident in many things you do. Have a lovely day full of lovely memories.