Alzheimer's: I hate visiting my grandad

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My grandfather has Alzheimer's syndrome and is now living in a care home. He is at mid stage at the moment so he appears to be quite lucid and high functioning but his cognitive functions have declined pretty badly and he can be quite volatile and depressive. He only ever talks about seeing his kids but he can't remember who his children are and sometimes mixes them up with his siblings. He is now talking about seeing his dad and going home to his mum so I reckon he thinks he is much younger than he actually is.

He still has his sense of humour and many aspects of his personality are still intact. I do love him and I do like to see him on his better days, but Brit the most part I just hate going to the home to see him.

I know it's selfish of me to say this but going to see him is a chore. I don't see him because I miss him but rather because I feel I have to be there for my mum. I get stressed and worried about how he'll behave and I hate it when all he talks about is going home and running away and how much he hates the place and how he doesn't know anybody. I know for a fact that he gets to go out and gets along well with the staff and patients. I also know that when he gets in a bad mood, he suddenly remembers things very differently, I.e accusing you of making him do housework when a few minutes ago he was praising you for your hard work. I know that dementia affects people in weird ways so I don't internalise it when he talks about how we never help him. However I just hate it when mum agonises and frets and overanalyses everything he says and trying to understand why he says what he says. I'm sick of the stress of having to deal with his care and his illness and part of me just wants him to die already. I feel ashamed to admit it, but it's true. I don't want to remember him for his dementia. I want to remember him for the person he was before the illness and he's not that person anymore (or at least not for long).

I know I'm a sh***y person for saying all of this.

Everybody goes through what you're going through with Alzheimer's, and with taking care of people who are very ill in general.

Everybody, whether they admit it or not, wishes, at times, that a very ill person would just expire; the burden of caring for such a person is great. As long as you don't express them to anybody but a therapist or very close friend.

I have thought these sorts of thoughts, and felt that guilt.

The fact that you are visiting him is helpful and quite laudable. Hell of a lot better than not visiting!

Thoughts are merely thoughts until you act on them. Until you actually take it out on him and others.

My father is in the same position, he has gone from working part time to a virtual zombie in about 4 years. There is only a tiny fraction of his character left and it's a terrible state to be in and to witness. He truly would be better off dead.

I live miles from my mother and we are not close so only visit very occasionally.

Try to remember that you make his life just a little bit better, remember the good times together and don't be hard on yourself for thinking these thoughts, it's only natural. Can you talk to your mother about how you feel? Maybe don't tell her the more upsetting parts.

My granny went the same way in her later years, it is quite harrowing to watch someone you love disappear into themselves. I think when your grandfather passes on, you will have few regrets for doing the difficult things now, I know thats how was for me.

All you can do really is find a balance between self care and care for others, you will be of little support if you burn out, so you need help to be there for your mum in the long term. Maybe try Peer support through Alzheimer Scotland, or using their helpline (24hr helpline or email support) for advice on coping with behaviour.

Most of my life I feel have done things that I'm supposed to do in terms of being caring towards someone else rather than actually doing them because I want to try and make them feel better.

My grandmother had alzheimers or some sort of dementia. I was still young. It's easier when the person is generally a happy person who is OK with other people leading them and taking charge. I fear if my Dad gets dementia as he will fight every step of the way because he only trusts his own mind and always has, and will not necessarily understand that his own mind is not trustworthy anymore.

It's ok to hate it. But as has been said, you're doing it. Responsibility is not always fun.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's too. But, the situation was different. She was not argumentative while I was there, just quiet. The only problem was that my father (her son) wanted me to socialize with her. I loved her, and I would have loved to socialize with her, but I am the socially passive autism sub-type, and she had become passive too due to the Alzheimer's. *crickets chirping*

He also thought that it would be a good idea for me to help my grandfather take care of her. I am still learning how to take care of myself due to executive functioning problems! I would have, at best, done it wrong and made more work for my grandfather, and, at worst, gotten worse and given him one more person to take care of.

Everyone said that she was suffering and that, now, she is in a better place and that I should be happy for her. But, I could not get myself to look at her in the coffin; when they started to close the coffin, I started to panic and wanted to hit them or run out of the room; I needed help to go up and "say my good-byes"; and when I got up and touched the coffin, I just started crying and shutdown.

I do not know when I will be ready to even accept or process it, but it is still early (funeral was four days ago).

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31st of July, 2013
Diagnosed: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Auditory-Verbal Processing Speed Disorder, and Visual-Motor Processing Speed Disorder.

Weak Emerging Social Communicator (The Social Thinking-­Social Communication Profile by Michelle Garcia Winner, Pamela Crooke and Stephanie Madrigal)

"I am silently correcting your grammar."

^Knofskia, I am sorry for your recent loss. There isnt a right or wrong way to react or grieve, you done the best you could during a emotionally overwhelming experience, ((hugs)) for you.

Seeing someone you know declining and regressing and never coming back is hard. Both my grandparents had dementia/Alzheimer's and I saw them as already being gone so when they both died, I didn't feel sad one bit. My dad took his mom's death well too because she was already gone. Only her body was alive and then it finally caught up to her brain.

My grandfather has Alzheimer's and hasn't known who I am for a couple years now. I don't see him anymore, just my parents go to visit him once every other weekend now. I don't think he will be around for much longer either. At least my parents don't stress too much, though my grandmother does, and sounds like how you describe your mom.